Hi all you may remember me from my earlier post about being on so many medications with little support. And my condensed story of growing up abused by an alcoholic father, turning to a priest for help-who then sedated and assaulted me, a stranger rape several years ago, suicide of my father and the recent trauma of my husband getting acute leukaemia. Until the birth of my first child and again following the rape-I was such a high achiever. I didn't allow myself time to think about my life-I kept very busy & highly functioning. No one but me could tell the darkness brewing underneath. I gave up work several years ago because I wasn't coping with the pressure anymore & I wanted to be there for my kids. But the depression and extreme anxiety is ruining my life. I even applied to do an online self help course and a psychologist phoned me and said he was very concerned by my assessment results and felt I should see somebody ASAP rather than do a self help course. I've being seeing the same psych for 7 years-I think she just considers me too traumatised and says things like "you are doing amazing under the circumstances" and just hands out another script. But I'm not doing anywhere near "amazing". I'm struggling to face the day each morning, I stress over stupid things like finding something to wear, I procrastinate all day even though I've written lists of things to do each day. The mail is piling up, bills unpaid, things I need to do left for another "better day" that never comes. I feel completely hollow inside. Empty. Alone and wishing I could sleep and never wake up. Then I think how selfish of me would it be to leave my kids behind-they are all that's stopping me I'm sure. I also used to be a social. Bubbly person and I'm still a very warm and caring person that most people would find me easygoing BUT the change is I've isolated myself from everybody and even my own family (mother &sisters) who I looked after and was their mother figure-even they have no desire to understand me. My mother said from a very young age that "feelings don't matter" and to get on "with the cards you've been dealt". I am extremely lonely of a day, I usually spend most days (after ive organised kids for school) inside the house reading a book or looking up websites on depression etc. I wish there was a support service where someone would visit occasionally. Gosh I'm only turned 40 and I sound like an old woman! But having a visitor would help or knowing people in same situation to talk to. I'm really hating myself today, why can't I do something, why can't I get dressed, why am I locked in house with all blinds shut and its a beautiful day outside. I'm sick of feeling helpless and unable to deal with these feelings when I've dealt with many traumatic events before. And it's so so easy for me to feel a failure and blame anything on myself. I'm really stuck. I feel I need help desperately but I'm at home in Sydney with the kids by myself for a while and have no one to support me-but my daughter is 14 so she could help with my 9yr old son if I could get some help. I literally feel like I'm being sucked down a drain and the water levels are rising dangerously. I really don't know anymore-this depression and anxiety has taken my life from me, I'm now just existing. Can't remember how happiness feels. So before I hit "send"-I apologise for my ranting which is just another sign of where I'm at. Lv M
