Can't beat depression

[JD12]

I have been fighting depression and anxiety for about 10 years now. I have tried several medications been to multiple
psychologists / psychiatrists but nothing seems to help. I feel as if im in the worst place I have ever been.

I have been with my partner for 10 years and been married for 3 years. We have 2 young children together (3yo and 1yo). About 8 years ago I almost called our relationship off but we stayed together. Over the years I feel as if we have drifted apart and don't feel as if we love each other any more. We don't argue or fight and she is a good person / mother to our kids. We have no time to spend together (due to work and 2 young kids) and my motivation to do anything social is non existent. I feel if she asks me to go somewhere or do something together or with friends that I have to say yes. Then when we are there all I want to do is go home. I just don't think that I can give her what she needs / wants and give her the life that she deserves. I feel trapped in a marriage but don't want to split up because of the kids. Plus I'm worried that if we did split up that I would end up regretting it down the track.

I have few of my own friends, no hobbies or interests so I have nothing much to look forward to. My motivation to see my friends or find a hobby is at an all time low. I am living ground hog day, get up, go to work, come home, deal with kids (nappies dinner bath bed) then go to bed myself as im tired after work and have to get up tomorrow and do it all again.

I have problems with self doubt / self esteem, feel guilty about lots of things, have trouble saying no to people and am not great at communication. I struggle to put my thoughts and feelings into words when speaking to anyone (my wife, my family, my friends). I have no one to vent to and even if I did am more likely to keep things to myself. After a while it really weighs you down.

Basically I'm going down hill fast and think it can only end in self destruction. I have tried so long to beat this but now think that I can't win.

I don't want to be a burden on my wife and think she would be better off without me / doesn't deserve me.

I don't know what to do.

[white knight]

Hi JD, welcome

If I can put a spin on this depression issue. Firstly if the depression was eliminated, your other issues in life would likely improve, like your marriage.

So it is unfair to you and your little family to direct your negativity from the depression, towards your wife for example. But there are other issues like lack of hobbies that need addressing.

I think your first point of call to tackle depression is to stop fighting it. Sufferers think that fighting it is the natural thing to do, understandably but not true IMO. Depression is often lifelong and a far more effective way to cope is to accept you will have depressive periods but when the depression cycle becomes less, that's when to kick into action. Instead, even when it does become less you are fighting every grain of depression. Does that make sense?

Hobbies, sports, interests are the lifeblood of living. I'm a tinkerer, inventor, builder of machines. If I didn't have that outlet in my shed I'd be only existing just like you. At 63yo I'm slowing up and have decided to do away with the heavy building and just concentrate on the tinkering of smaller concepts like model airplanes and toys for children.

Such hobbies/interests need soul searching to find out what you like doing. Even a large jigsaw in a spare room can be a hobby. Right now I'm on the computer replying to you as my wife sits beside me painting- paint by numbers. So every now and then we chat away at what we are thinking. With small children that's nearly impossible but late at night 30 minutes sharing a game like Chinese chequers could be fun.

I was falsely diagnosed with ADHD in 2003 and for 6 years took the wrong medication, all 12 different types searching for the best one while all the time none would work as I was falsely diagnosed. In 2009 I was rediagnosed by two psychiatrists together (one on a lunch break and sat in) and told I didn't have ADHD, but I did have bipolar2, depression, and dysthymia. It wasn't long before I had the right meds for me then life turned around.

The following threads you can GOOGLE and they can help. Just read the first post.

Beyondblue topic boredom the closed door to fun

Beyondblue topic depression the timing of motivation

Beyondblue topic acceptance, the frog and the scorpion

Beyondblue topic acceptance is this our greatest challenge?

Beyondblue topic do we expect a smooth road in life?

Beyondblue topic Medication is a whirlpool

Repos tanytime

tonyWK

[PamelaR]

Hi JD and welcome to Beyond Blue

My heart goes out to you. Life sounds incredibly difficult for you at the moment. Tony has given you some lovely support and there is not much more I can add.

I think Tony touched on the thing about depression - i.e. it's life long and it's learning how to live with it. It's all yours and no one elses. Depression is manageable, sometimes it can be worse than others, but it's finding things to do as suggested above. Taking those first steps to finding a hobby, interest, sport.

One other thing you mentioned is - going out socialising, but wanting to leave. I've done this most of my life but in the past year my most recent psychologist has got me to identify - 'what I'm thinking' at those times. Identifying those thoughts are important. Then changing the stories that go with those thoughts. This has helped me tremendously. I no longer want to run away. Maybe you need to look at finding a psychologist that can give you more tools to help move you on.

Not sure if this helps you any. Just remember - you're not alone. Keep reaching out if and when you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Quercus]

Hi JD12 and welcome to the forums.

It takes guts to speak up and to be honest to yourself let alone online about how you feel. Good for you and I hope you keep writing.

Tony and Ruth have solid and caring advice as always. I want to reply too because this hits me so close to my heart...

I don't want to be a burden on my wife and think she would be better off without me / doesn't deserve me.

Oh how many times a day I think this! Substitute husband and this is me too.

I agree totally that you need medical support asap. If you are on meds they may need a review and if not it is a good idea to see a psychiatrist given your depression has been so long term.

You said you struggle to communicate but the best thing is that you have. You have expressed so clearly how you are feeling in writing and that is another way to share offline too.

At my worst (suicidal and planning with two toddlers) hubby asked me to write down what a bad day felt like. It was so hard to let him read it. But I knew two things...

1. If I continued as I was I would likely die.

2. I loved and still do love my husband and our babies and even though I felt they would be better off without me I loved them.

My husband had no idea I was so unwell. He put the writing in an envelope and took me to the GP and psychologist. I felt ashamed to let them read it. But it worked.

I was referred to a psychiatrist. Diagnosed with major depression (and later ADHD) and started medication. I started psychotherapy to deal with the root traumas causing me so much pain. Psychotherapy has helped me realise when I am sick I lose my voice and shut people out.

You mentioned feeling disconnected from your wife. Of course you do! Not only are you experiencing the hardest part of life (my goodness noone tells you how much children change your whole world). But you also have the stress of supporting your family financially, helping out at home after work, and on top of it all.... Unmanaged depression and all the lack of motivation to self care it brings along with it.

It might seem hard to show your wife this post and how alone you feel. But it also shows you want to try. That you care and miss being in love. You need her help and it is ok to ask.

Nat

[JD12]

Thank you all for your advice and words of support. I decided to show my wife the post, it wasn't easy and I felt vulnerable letting her read it. After a long talk i definately felt better like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It just does not come naturally to me to let all my feelings out even though keeping them in causes me so much trouble.

[white knight]

Well done JD, glad to be of assistance.

Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[SunshineJ]

JD that is so great you showed the post to your wife. I'm sure she appreciated the insight.

When I read your original post I thought you sound just like me lol (except I'm not a man). Oh and I have no shortage of interests.

I agree with the other replies about depression/anxiety being lifelong. I used to also think I had to find a 'cure' and that just made me feel like more of a failure. Now I just accept it as part of myself - that it comes and it goes. I just try to be careful to stay healthy and avoid things that exacerbate it and recognise the warning signs of when things are spiralling downwards fast so I can hold tight and ride out the storm. (I don't always succeed at that either).

Please don't leave your family right now. They need you. Life with little kids is so hard. My youngest is 9 now and it definitely gets better! You and your wife will find your way back to each other, just hang in there.