Can someone be a lost cause?

[Mr_Mojo23]

Where do I begin? Well first and foremost I am starting to feel like a lost cause, I’ll explain. I am 31 years old (32 in September) and due to family commitments I am living at home with my parents. Due to my father’s ailing health and inability to return to work I try to help out by paying the electricity, telephone and internet, as well as helping my mother with my nephew and cooking, but I am constantly being reminded by the media that I am a looser for living at home at my age.

I am also overweight (think Kevin James), plus to add to the cliché and I have never had a girlfriend or serious relationship, pathetic right? It’s not that I do not want someone in my life, but I don’t feel I have anything of value to offer anyone, and if someone were to get to know me they wouldn’t like what they find, and would see me for the failure I am. I get nervous in social situations and avoid parties and all costs. So now I feel I am trapped in this cycle of self-loathing and fear of what others are thinking about me, worried about how are they judging me? When people on public transport would rather stand the whole trip rather than sit in the only spare seat next to me it feels like I am to be avoided, so I hide away from the world.

I don't have close friends to talk to about this, and I don’t want to bother my parents with my problems as I know they have enough to deal with. I am even anxious writing this here as I am picturing people sitting and laughing at the fat looser, That I should take two spoons of cement and harden up as there are people worse off than me. I am starting to feel like I am standing at the edge of an abyss, and the only thing holding me back is the fact that I do not want to leave my mother alone to cope with the bills, my father’s medical needs and raising my nephew.

But the same questions keep playing over in my mind. Is there any hope for me? What woman would want anything to do with a nerd with no relationship experience? and what would happen if I were gone? Who would care?

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mr Mojo

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. It's great that you have been able to write in here and describe your feelings. No one here is laughing at you and never will. This is a safe place to say how you feel and get some advice and support. I have no idea who you are or where you live and similarly you know nothing about me. What everyone here has in common are our uncertainties, depression, anxiety and in my case, being overweight.

You sound like a fantastic person to be helping your parents in this manner. I gather you must have at least one sibling if there is a nephew around. Does your sibling live with you as well? If there are other family members, are they able to help out also?

I find people frequently comment that there are others worse of than them. This may or may not be true, but is totally irrelevant. Are you saying that you should not have help simply because someone else has problems? I think none of us would ever be helped using that criterion. Anyone in need is entitled to assistance and that includes you. Don't put yourself down. You are as worthy as anyone else in this world.

If you were no longer around your parents would care and any other family members. I have no doubt your work colleagues would miss you however much you deny this. But not being here means you will miss so much potential in the future. I have no idea what it is and, more to the point, neither have you.

Beyond Blue staff have contacted you I gather, so listen to what they have to say. Phone the BB helpline any time. The number is 1300 22 4636. Have chat with these folk who can give you some direction.

I also suggest you visit your GP for a chat. Tell him/her your story and see what they suggest. If you feel a bit overwhelmed at the prospect, then write down all your concerns as you have in your post. Or better yet, copy your post and print it out to give to your GP.

You may well find it helpful to talk to a psychologist. This will help you express your fears and look at ways to manage your life more happily.

I would like to hear from you again. Take steps to take charge of your life. It will be wonderful.

Regards

Mary

[Doolhof]

Dear Mr. Mojo,

You sound like such a loving, compassionate and caring man. I don't know if any man I know would devote his life and his earnings to his parents and his nephew!

This may not have been the life you would have chosen if you had a choice, but it is the one you are living. I believe you need to feel proud of yourself for supporting your family and not leaving them to fend for themselves.

I'm sorry you have not been able to meet a woman who may be able to fulfil your needs.

To me you are a beautiful person for all that you are doing. If you read so many posts here at Beyond Blue you will come across so many couples that have split up or are splitting up due to problems in their relationships. So relationships are not everything.

Regarding your weight, if you are concerned about it, could you go for a short walk a few times a week. Even if you get off on bus stop short of your stop and then increase that to two. Soon you will build up your stamina and may feel a lot better about yourself.

I have a husband but I often go out by myself. I like to go to the movies, I will dine in a restaurant or café by myself, go to the beach alone. There are so many different things you could do to get out and about more.

I hope some of these ideas help and I would really like to hear back from you again if you are up to it. Once again I think you sound wonderful and I would love for my husband to have a fraction of your loving and caring attitude!

From Mrs. Dools

[MisterM]

I know how you feel.
I am almost 31, still living with my parents, unemployed, never had a girlfriend, only have one friend.
I feel like a loser because of all this.
It's hard I know.

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Mr Mojo,

I really feel for the situation you are in and can identify with most of your pain. I have had similar thoughts and feelings in the past. I think that, like all of us, you are a very worthwhile, valuable person! And there definitely is hope!

I think you have had some excellent advice here already but if I could, there's one recommendation I'd like to add. That is, that you consider getting this high quality book on self-esteem (see below). A friend gave it to me once years ago, and it has helped me enormously ever since.

From it, I learned how to deal with negative thinking, how to have an accurate self assessment, how to handle criticism, how to handle mistakes, the importance of being compassionate and more.

The book taught me how to look after myself, mentally, and as a result, I felt a whole lot better about the world and especially about myself. You can change the way you think. It's not easy, it takes time but it is definitely achievable. For me, this book has the answers and learning from it is a great way to empower oneself.

I hope this post helps. If you would like to write back feel free . 

All the Best,

from

TMB 
 

The whole title is, Self-Esteem (Third Edition) A proven program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay & Patrick Fanning.

Publisher - New Harbinger Publications

ISBN: 1572241985

[Doolhof]

Hi Mr. Mojo,

Just passing through and wishing you all the best!

From Mrs. Dools