Broken Heart

Mares73 · ‎04-02-2014

Hi all, my previous thread named "No hope this week" was getting a bit too long so today I'm extending and continuing the themes of that post.

Yes I have a broken heart. I am aching from the current constant state of emotional & mental pain. I have cried as soon as I wake up for the past two weeks.

Just to contextualise I will refer to my last post where I described my experience of a sudden severe onset of deep depression & thoughts I had never really experienced before as in I wouldn't act on them because my kids have always been my safety net. I experienced a severe onset of depression without any triggers & I was feeling completely out of control of my thoughts, unable to function barely at all to the point I couldn't even get dressed & I felt totally immobilised & absolutely terrified of my mental state.

I had never had contact with an acute mental health team but due to my distress & complete sense of being out of control, Beyond Blue contacted them on my behalf. The nurses visited me at home & were lovely. They made me an appointment with the acute team pyschiatrist last Wednesday.

Unfortunately the pysch was young & obviously inexperienced. It was only a 15min appt & the sole purpose was to check I wasn't having intentions to do anything terrible. I was hoping for some referrals to other forms of support & a medication review. But the pysch said he would be phoning my private pysch that day to update her & to "hand over care".

So I waited & remained in my terrible state of mind. I progressively got worse. I hadn't heard from my own Pyschiatrist so I rang her today & she was completely unaware of what was happening. I asked her if the acute team had explained my situation & couldn't believe it when she replied "oh yes they left a message last week for me to call them but I haven't got to it yet".

I was so shocked-this is a Pysch I've been seeing for over 8 yrs. so I told her all that had happened & that my husband was adamant that I crashed when I began taking the stimulant medication she had prescribed & I had commenced it on 10 January & fell apart on the 20th January.

She replied that she didn't think they were related & perhaps the current widespread news about abuse in the Catholic Church had triggered it. I replied that I hadn't seen any news on the subject & wasn't even aware it was a current issue in the media.

She then said to stay on my medication & she would see me next Monday & discuss possible triggers for my sudden crash & also discuss medication. I even told her I had never experienced an episode like this & I certainly have never had serious thoughts of taking drastic action-and her reply was that if I felt some sympathetic nurses would cheer me up then I could ask the Acute Team to visit.

I was beyond words when the phone call ended. This is supposed to be my treating pysch who I've known for over 8 years. My husband who took the morning off work due to my state, called BB distressed & said he couldn't cope with what was happening & needed support for me as he just couldn't cope with what was happening & the lack of support services for me.

I then said to him I felt safe enough this afternoon to be alone & would occupy myself by coming here & writing & also looking up GPs & Pyschologists. There is still the major critical issue of a decent Pyschiatrist. So basically I have to survive until Monday & the only other option or change would be if I continued having serious thoughts-in that event I would be admitted to hospital.

So how do I feel after explains all the current facts-I feel so upset, desperate, alone, frightened, overwhelmed & broken hearted at the current state, the underfunded & lack of support services for mental health compared to other health areas, the sadness & fear at being overwhelmed by this illness, and most of all today my heart breaks at the loss & grief I feel for struggling so hard to "find my real self" under the layers of the illness & sadness that my family rarely see & enjoy experiences with the person I truly am beyond this illness.

They see the symptoms & the struggles & my mum cried & my husband was distressed at how much this illness has taken from my life. They say how much they "miss me" & how it breaks their hearts to know who I truly am & to grieve for that person because they now mostly see the effects of the illness & the rare glimpses they see of the person they know I am makes it even harder as they miss me so much.

I grieve for myself too-I am so sad knowing I still exist but I'm hidden under layers of pain & trauma & the devastation this illness can cause. Will I ever feel happy again? Will I ever return to the bright social butterfly who had many friends. Will I ever feel a sense of achievement again when I was such a high achiever & thrived on mental stimulation & challenges. Will I ever break this despair? This loss of the real me? Will I ever be social or interact again given I'm completely isolated & rarely leave the house & have no one to talk to from the time my kids go to school to the time they come home?

And the biggest question-will I ever experience recovery or even hope of some forms of recovery? I'm so broken by this constant battle. And the destruction it creates in so many ways ie low or zero Selfesteem, feeling a failure, losing confidence in most of my abilities, blaming myself for anything, apologising for anything to the point I'm almost apologising for my existence, feeling unlovable, avoiding people & situations because I fear being transparent as a loser. Fearing this could get even worse.

So basically fearing a lifetime of struggle to find myself again when I'm up against a monster of an illness that's winning at the moment. I'm too afraid to think of the future because if this is my future then my existence is purely for the sake of my children. And I'm so sad because if I had known the battle I'd have with depression, traumatic events, PTSD & anxiety-I would of crammed so much into my life before it hit me so at least I'd experienced happiness & adventures & many different experiences so at least I could say I made the most of and lived my life to the absolute fullest before I got sick.

I don't in anyway want to or mean to come across as a victim in feeling sorry for myself. I know there are so so many people hurting & struggling in so many ways & forms & it can always be worse. So my intention isn't meant to express myself as the only person in pain. I am grateful for many things such as my children & living in a country without war or external traumas.

I try to be thankful & humble for what I do have & do think of and feel for all people in pain or suffering whatever form it may take.

I just felt so sad today I needed to try express myself to keep me safe & to clarify my thoughts by attempting to express them-as in doing so I thought I might feel some of the fog lift. So I've literally just written this without thought & I hope it makes sense.

I think of, and feel for all of you experiencing pain & battling this illness. I care & hope I can support many of you on this journey. And I'd also like to express my sincere gratitude for all of you & especially to thank those who have provided me with hope & care.

Today I know one of my dear friends is battling through this illness & my heart goes out to them. I hope each of you experience some hope, support & care.

Lve Mares xxx

Mares73 · ‎08-02-2014

Hi all, firstly Neil I'm frustrated-I've been trying to reply you to new thread "Tears Part 2" for a WHOLE hour & I couldn't get a reply box to come up. Ill try again later. And no-no degree in Pyschology. I left school at 13 & worked for cash as my mum had cancer, Dad was off the planet drinking & I had 2 younger sisters I wanted to support through school so I didn't even reach Year 9. But...at age 20 I did a pre-entry course for people disadvantaged & got into the prestige University of Sydney where I started Social Work but it ended up bringing up too many personal experiences for me & I also knew I was the type of person that would bring desperate people home if needed so I was too much of an open-hearted person that wouldn't be able to distance myself-I'd be tring to save people & probably give away all I had. So I changed courses & did a degree in Social Policy joint with Aboriginal Studies. It meant so much to me-I was the first person in my family to go to University, my family hadn't exactly supported me, making comments such as "why isn't a job at Woolworths good enough for you-that way you could help with cash". They treated me as though I was tring to be better than they were which was ridiculous. Anyway I was so grateful for the opportunity-I never accepted anything below a High Distinction in each subject & I achieved that. Meanwhile I was also supporting my partner (the first guy I met & married) so I worked in an office of a day, studied at night & did several cleaning jobs on the weekend. My husband didn't actually get a job until he was 28. He wanted to be a musician & finally I sat him down & told him he was very intelligent & it would be good to get a degree as a backup. His mother resented me so much-she is a "hippie artist" from the 60's-never worked & always relied on others. She wanted him to be like her-not involved in the "commercial world". Anyway he went to uni full time whilst I stayed part time & did 2 jobs. He came out with a Social Work degree but never practised-he worked in policy & management in the public sector for years, progressing quickly. He is now in a elite company as a Consultant & has recently became partner in the firm. We don't have any assets or own a house-we rent & due to his leukaemia have not worried about saving, we just live pay to pay. So in short no experience in Pyschology apart from one semester at uni. I think my genuine care comes from the life I've experienced-if you remember I had a severely traumatic childhood, have experienced significant abuse (father, Priest & stranger attack) & I've always been the strong responsible one-until this illness hit me. I had a high level job until 6 yrs ago when my husband & I couldn't sustain dropping our children at care at 6.45am each morning & picking them up at 6.45 each night when they just wanted to be fed & go to sleep. I decided to make the career sacrifice as my husbands career was on the rise & it all seemed worth it at the time. I noticed a massive difference in my children, they were on top of the world to be picked up by me & I'd always have afternoon tea ready & we would sit & chat. My daughter now14, said she never forgets that time & how loved she felt that I was there for her. However lately she's started to say sh hates thinking of me alone in house all day & wants me to find something that makes me happy. No way can I do anything now but admittedly I miss the mental stimulation & the different sense of self work provides. I do worry about the 6yr gap though. Maybe the fact i had children & then was a carer for my husband while he battled acute leukaemia would be acceptable. Anyway that's not something I want to think or talk about now when I'm in such a low state holding on my a piece of string. I'm genuinely concerned about Monday as if my Pysch continues her current attitude then I won't have a clue where to turn & any sense of hope may cause severe distress & bad thoughts. Anyway it's been t tough day, I'm glad when bedtime comes around as in sleeping I can forget everything & that's what I look forward to each day lately. Neil my friend I hope you get some physical relief from your pain. Talk later, in my thoughts as always. Lve Mares xxx

Scott_Depression · ‎09-02-2014

Hi Mares

Just letting you know I'm checking up on you! I really hope the psych appointment goes well for you tomorrow

Warm regards

Scott

charlottesometimes · ‎10-02-2014

Hi, please forgive me for intruding. I have read this thread. The honesty, love and compassion you all show for each other is amazing. I feel like I have entered an alternate, true universe. Mares, you talk about your pain with such simplicity and intelligence. I wanted to pay my respects to some lovely people. There is obviously one good thing to be said for having this condition - this community.

Neil_1 · ‎10-02-2014

Hi Charlotte,

I've welcomed you before and I do again ... and I'm so pleased that you've come to other people's posts as well. You know it's all a massive learning experience; having said that I wish that none of us were here. People, I know you are among the loveliest people I've come across, but above and beyond anything, I was there was no such thing as beyond blue, no such thing as depression ... and if we were to ever meet it'd be by chance somewhere, .... but I'm babbling again ... and yes, I'm quite sober. 10th day in fact.

But yes Charlotte, it is a wonderful community and the more you hang around I hope that you'll feel able to contribute as well, like you've done here.

Now Maresy ... you've punched out yet another top post ... and it's now Monday evening which means that your appointment will be over. When you get a chance it would be great to hear how it went?

When you saying about how you took over as the carer role for your children, I was nodding as I was reading and thinking, yep, that'd be Mares alright ... being the absolute best mum possible and the love your kids would have received (and still receive) would have been first class.

And you know, I think it is true that if you can be occupied during the day that must surely help the old mental state ... but that's a catch 22 situation, for when you feel absolutely rock bottom, how on earth are you going to be able to get out and try to do something?

I feel useless tonight Mares, as I'm not really providing you with any suggestions or advice ... only words.

So it's Monday evening and I hope that you're feeling "ok". Just "ok" would be good, yeah?

Take care Maresy and I'll be chatting with you again soon

Neil

Mares73 · ‎10-02-2014

Hey Charlottee thankyou. The forums are open for anyone to read I hope others in similar circumstances or those who can identify with the feelings expressed by others-find the courage to join us on our journey & get the compassion, care & advice that we each try to provide one another. Please write again-even it's too build up your courage to share your story. X Mares

Now for my dear friends waiting to see how my appointment with my psychiatrist went-it couldn't get worse. She won't consider it could be the stimulant medication she had prescribed as having an awful effect on me. She told me to continue with the antidepressant, the benzodiazepines & the " augmentation" medications such as an antipsychotic & a stimulant. Even my chemist who has known me for year cant explain such a broad specrum of medications & said "it's a wonder you are still holding on". I didn't have the heart to tell him I wasn't. In todays session my psych said if i felt down again she would have me hospitalized and given a number of ECT treatments!! my husband and i afe extremly shocked & upset by this & wonder if she can force that uppon me-she sounded certain-if im still experiencing depression when she next talks to, or sees me then i can expect to be hospitased & have EST. so how can i ever go back to her & be honest about how i feel? Given I was now losing hope fast - I tried phoning a psychiatrist who could help & provide a medication review. The Pyschiatrist was recommended by my GP (another important thing-find a new one) and I nearly fell over when she said she charges $480 per session & Medicare gives $160 back! Unbelievable so I must keep looking. The ONLY positive today was I reached out to a Psychologist who was the only person to take it seriously & she will fitt me in next Tuesday when I return from my mums. Oh-and she charges $200-less than half the amount that the Pyschiatrist charges. So I have accepted I need therapy & she's checking her diary to confirm Tuesday. Now I'm left with the problem of finding a sane, reasonable psychiatrist-and I wouldn't even bother trying to find one unless I had to-but my GP always likes regular letters from her saying what a great job he is doing-when all that he does is see me for 15 minutes once a month to write scripts. There is no duty of care or responsibility from either of them. Maybe GPs can prescribe stimulants, antipsychotics etc & if so I wouldn't need a pysch because I'm counting on this Psychologist. I'm exhausted so sorry if I don't write this well. I'm very upset & am going to stay with my mum tomorrow for rest of week. I won't have a computer or anything technical but I should be able to stay in touch via my iPhone. Not a great day but hey I was deluding myself if I thought it would of gone well. But ECT-I am nothing like the people who I've seen have it.im young, I've survived so much & I just want help with options-I need hope-not the fear of my brain being frazzled. Wonder what chances of sleep tonight. Sorry haven't been there today for you but ill do my best tomorrow. Lve Mares xxx

Jo3 · ‎11-02-2014

Hey Mares

I feel for you so much, I wish i could help you. Wish i was there for you, just to sit with you and comfort you.

I am thinking of you and pls take care. I will check in on you again soon

Jo xxx

Scott_Depression · ‎11-02-2014

Hi again Mares

Poor thing - sorry you're having to deal with all this when you're in such a vulnerable state, and with having gone through so much. It goes without saying no-one should have to carry such a burden - it's amazing you've lasted this long my friend.

Sounds like you're petrified of ECT. I know you said you're too young for it, but you may be surprised to know I believe it brought me back from the brink! I've just turned 40 & have ECT about 6 years back. There were a number of people having it when I was there, some probably as young as 26ish. I did suffer some memory loss - I attribute this to the ECT treatment, but my psych attributes it to the disease (depression).

Please note ECT today is NOTHING like the horrendous scenes in movies like One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest! My experience was getting up really early, sitting in waiting room, then getting called in. I'd jump up on the bed in the theater & a few cables get stuck on you with stick gel stuff. The only very slight pain comes from needle for anesthetic! I always tried to fight it & see how long I lasted - but I never got very far into the count!

After this I awoke from the anesthetic in recovery area - feel a bit groggy for a little while when you're getting over the anesthetic. Then you get a sandwich & drink and get blood pressure taken to check you're ok to leave.

I would be happy to tell you anything you want to know about the experience - just ask. Please don't write it off as a terrible treatment only for old people - I'm living proof that it can be pretty effective when medicines aren't helping.

Please take care & hope I've been able to lower your level of concern re ECT. Having said this, I don't think you should be bullied into it & hope you can get that 2nd opinion. Wonder if the BB helpline might be able to provide advice?

Take care - hope you get some sleep

Scott