Broken and unsure: I have not been OK for weeks

[shucks46]

G’day all

I’m having a real crappy time at the moment, depression has stuck its head back up,the feeling loneliness and not having anyone around I’ve been in tears all day pretty much crying myself to sleep through out waking up and back in tears again.

I don’t know what brings it on, I can be good one minute/day the next I’m at rock bottom.

I don’t have anyone around to talk to as for friends family or so on. I just wish this shit would all just go away.

[Aaronsis]

Hi shucks46

I am so sorry you are having a really lousy day, that it is being consumed with tears and with sadness and sleeping, however there is one great thing, you have reached out here to us and to share how you are feeling and we can reach back and let you know we care and that you are not alone.

We are going through a really unusual time at the moment and I think this is really impacting all of us in some form, it is like nothing we have ever known, so the things that perhaps we used to do to make ourselves feel better when we were down may not be an option right now.

Do you have something you can do to help you through the tough times? I have just started painting and we have a COVID-19 wall and we put our art on the wall, while it is not great and there are no masterpeices there, we have been enjoying painting and trying something new, it takes some time and I find I am not really thinking about anything else other than the painting.

I am not sure if you are aware of the Beyond Blue line if you feel that talking to a person might be more helpful to you, they are on 1300 22 4636. As you mentioned one minute you are feeling ok and the next back at rock bottom, this is the face of depression and I am so very sorry you are going through this. Do you enjoy music? I have actually been listening to Nova this weekend as they are having a throw back Thursday count down and there are some really awesome songs on that have made me feel so happy.

I hope to chat to you some more, you can share as much as you feel comfortable to.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah xx

[shucks46]

Hi Sarah, thanks for your reply.

I don’t feel it has anything to do with CV19, my ups and downs have been around for years, I’m still realing from a 20 year marriage breakdown, childhood trauma, and for the first time in my life this is the first holiday. I’ve had to spend on my own and alone. I don’t have family here as they are all in the USA, anyone else I know it seems I’ve managed to some how or another to push them away or it’s the famous last words of ( cheer up you’ll be alright). Well I’m not alright and I’m alone with the 4 walls closing in fast.

Yeah I can pick up the the phone and call one of the help lines but I don’t really want to be taken again. It’s currently taking my all to hold it together at the moment.

As for a radio or paints no I don’t have either, I’ve spent my time awake today with Netflix.

I just feel broken and don’t know how to piece it back together.

[Aaronsis]

Hey shuck46

Thank you for sharing more of your story, I am sorry to suggest that you were feeling depressed due to COVID-19, what I actually meant was that at this time with the virus it is enlarging any underlying issues people are trying to manage. I am so sorry to hear that you are recovering from a marriage breakdown and that you are by yourself on this holiday and don't have family and friends to spend time with, it is so hard to be by yourself and feeling so lousy.

I just wanted to make sure that you are ok, when you said that talking on the phone may lead to them "taking you"..I am just wanting to make sure that you are safe and that you are not in danger right now. I understand it is not what you want to spend time in hospital but if you are not safe perhaps getting some support might be helpful. Lifeline are on 13 11 14, and I really don't want to come of as giving you "chin up and she'll be right" help, as I know that comments like this are not helpful at all and in fact sometimes make a person feel worse. I just want you to be safe.

I am also sorry you have had to experience childhood trauma and that it is impacting your life today. I am glad that you shared that with me though and hope that if you want to chat some more about that you can do so in a safe space here. I am here to listen and to sit with you in this time when you are feeling so sad.

Netflix is a great option, I was watching Grown Ups last night and forgot how hilarious it is, have you seen that one?

I am here with you shucks46, the walls will not close in on you while you can talk and share here and push them away. There is hope and there is a brighter tomorrow, with help and support and care and we do care so much about you.

I understand what you mean about feeling broken, I am almost back together now and really credit my healing to being here, talking and listening and being supported by others. I also had a wonderful therapist and even though it has taken almost 9 months to feel "better" I am feeling hopeful and happier and I hope you can get the same level of care here too.

Sarah xx

[shucks46]

Hi Sarah

thanks again for replying, no need to be sorry, yes this CV19 is on everyone’s mind no doubt about it. Honestly most of the time I’m ok being on my own and would rather it be that way though when I get to feeling lousy I do feel more comfortable with some someone around at least it’s company and the walls don’t seem to close in.

I try talking to my family online as much as I can which helps out a fair bit actually by the end of the chats I seem to be up lifted to a point though sometimes it’s hard due to time difference but i’ve Just managed to have a hour long chat with my mother. As for being safe i’m Alright in that department thanks for the concern.

I understand by you not wanting to come as saying chin up ect and yes it does make things worse when people come to situations with those sort of comments at times. Once again thanks for your concern even though your someone on the other end of a screen it does mean something to me rather it be you or someone else, I know there are people out there to talk to, my last resort though is ringing a help line, I’ve been taken from my home too many time and honestly I’m tired of that due to the lack of actual help that’s given or offered.

Ahh grown ups yes absolute funny as, I watched it last week enjoyed the 1st one better then the second though .

I was seeing a therapist at one stage which helped out a lot though big impact on financial situation sadly to say. But as it stands at the moment I do talk to a phyc team locally which are always helpful and aren’t so quick to send out that ride to be taken.

all in all though as I said, i’ve just gotten offline with my mother having a good chat and back in better spirits now. Thank you and have a good evening.

[Aaronsis]

Hey shucks46

I am so happy to hear that you have been able to chat with your mum and connect with her, not only have some family time but also life your spirits, that is really awesome and I am so happy you did that.

We are here for you, anytime you like, anytime you want a chat, to get something off your chest, to reach out for support, to know you are not alone and you are most certainly not the only one who is going through rough times and that there are others and together we can support each other.

I actually watched both Grown ups last night with my daughter..they are hilarious and just what we needed to break up the day.

So happy to chat to you and to hear you are ok and that you are in better spirits.

Take care and here whenever you need.

Hugs

Sarah xx

[shucks46]

About a week or so ago, I was hypnotised by a psyc, all I could see was dark black clouds and felt empty which has had me wondering whats happening.

My treatment sessions have sense ended and I'm feeling I'm back to square 1 again.

I've been communicating with my ex wife for the last couple of weeks things are going well there, as we were supposed to have dinner last nite something spooked me right out so I left and came home laid on my couch and just thought I could end it all right now and no one would be here to stop it.

what in the world is wrong with me, whats behind the black clouds.

[Sophie_M]

Hi shucks46

It sounds like you were feeling very low last night, so it is so good you are here reaching out for support. As well as support from the community, it would be great for you to access some additional professional support now that the treatment you were having has finished. You have written before about the local psych tem being helpful, so maybe they would be a good place to start.

Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgemental space. 

 

[shucks46]

Seems my reach only goes so far.

Yes the psyc team was helpful to a point, but it seems they are quick to lock me up in a hospital ward. I'm honestly at my wit's end with everything, every one and currently hating the world. I've just had enough.

[shucks46]

Other then YouTube videos what’s the best way to calm a anxiety attack?

Woke up at 12am with a heart racing like there’s no tomorrow, tight chested and rapid breathing, now unable to get back to sleep. I’ve tried listening to some things on YouTube but it don’t seem to be helping at the moment.

I’d be great full for any ideas.

Thanks.