Bipolar partner always ending relationship

[MissMilly]

Hi, ive resorted to a forum because i dont really have anyone else to talk to about this.
I have been with my partner on and off for 2 years now, everytime its off its his decision. Its like a routine every couple of months. It usually begins with him not replying to my messages for weeks at a time, when i ask him if he wants to end things i usually only get an 'i dont know what i want' 'relationships make me stressed', 'seeing anyone all the time makes me stressed', he never actually ends it unless i kind of demand an answer which makes me think he knows he is likely going to want to be with me when he is not 'stressed' anymore, so he is just trying to wait out the stressed period until he feels up for a relationship again.
I'm just not exactly sure how to deal with it, i have my own anxiety issues which causes me to panic myself when this happens. He doesnt take medication (he thinks it makes him feel worse or feel nothing at all) and he doesnt get any profession help. He immerses himself in his work because if he isnt working he says it gives him too much time to think which he doesnt like.
He is the most amazing partner and when he is feeling well he always wants to talk and see me and when he isnt feeling well he is never mean about it, he is just very vacant and only says things like 'i dont know whats wrong, i cant explain it, im sorry'. And then when he is well again he is so positive and sure about us. One day he will be telling me how happy he is to have me and then suddenly i wont hear from him for weeks or months.
I dont believe im putting any pressure on the relationship when were together, everytime its progressed its been because he wanted it to.
I guess i am just looking for an explanation as to what may be going through his head when this is happening because he is unable to tell me. And i dont know what im supposed to do.
I have never had a relationship so perfect when he is well, this is the only thing interfering with our relationship. He also doesnt like himself very much and thinks he is a bad boyfriend despite me assuring him he isnt

[white knight]

Hi mm, welcome

I have bipolar and other issues.

We are individuals but I'll try to explain how I feel sometimes.

When I'm not well, any demands of me will see me run, far away. Even questions about if I want to end "us", at a time when unwell it us pure pressure even if it isnt meant. Thats before mood stabilizers

When unwell my enemy is ultimatums, finances or crowds.

He likes work because it is a distraction.

All this doesnt mean I dont sympathise with you-a lot. Although I have bipolar I have insight, thank goodness, also determination that if Im to have a happy marriage I need medication and therapy.

Google

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They will help.

Two things

Try a hand on the shoulder, share a cuppa, be calm, soft, caring, quiet voice.

Tell him I took 12 different meds before I found a mood stabiliser that was right for me. Then another 12 months perfecting the dosage. ..then bliss. My wife thanks me!

If all else fails you'll have to move on.

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[TheGordianKnight]

Hi MissMilly!

Unfortunately it's almost impossible to know what is going on inside another persons head, even in the best of times. Your mind is a brilliant, beautiful, staggeringly intricate creation that puts almost everything else to shame. Even these days we only have best guess and hypotheses.

You love him, that much is very, very clear and beyond doubt. But he is harming himself by action and INACTION. This is turn is causing you harm.

You need to ask yourself some questions. It doesn't have to be now. You don't need to answer them now either. Think on them as long as you like. But you need to ask is he working to save the relationship or is it just you? Does he support you when you are having issues or does it only go one way? Would he go to therapy to save the relationship? Would he take his meds or have them switched if he is having adverse effects? Is he being true during these "breaks"?

Don't let someone live in your brain rent free. Relationships go two ways, from your explanation I don't see that happening.

You need to look after yourself first. Then him. But you can't help him if he doesn't want help or if he doesn't want to change.

I really hope I'm not sounding callous or cold hearted, reading your post stung my heart. But I've seen this many times before and I'm not going to lie when lying would hurt you in the long run.

Whatever happens, I hope it all falls into place and you are happy.

[MissMilly]

Thank you WK.

I feel there is no point in bringing up medications etc when he is feeling like this because it will just be more pressure. And usually when he feels better im too scared to bring it up because i dont want to stress him out again. Any advice on how best to tell him i think he should see a professional?

Also im not sure he is in a 'low', he says he is ok, and is camping with friends at the moment (which is good for him), it just seems to be the relationship that is stressing him, he doesnt seem to have the same issues with friends i guess because he doesnt feel an obligation to see and talk to them regularly.

[white knight]

Hi MM,

All relationships are interpersonal dealings not that unlike a business relationship in some ways. i.e. you have your needs and desires, goals and other dreams. If his attitude stops you from achieving these, you have to protect yourself emotionally and face reality.

What I'm eluding to is- to, in a subtle way inform him that if he doesn't seek out professional help (and whatever action they recommend) then the relationship is likely terminal because "I know that without professional help and the therapy and medication that comes with it is essential to my happiness as is the stability I need for a happy life".

You can leave out "medication" if you like but it is skirting around the issue as meds are an important part of the process of your needs.

TheGordianKnight confirms all this in his informative post.

TonyWK