being unwell feels normal

[charlottesometimes]

I woke this morning in such pain. I realised that for a very long time now I have not been coping. This would have been obvious to anyone - I have lost 12 kg in a short space of time, cannot eat, cry all the time, cannot concentrate or work, am negative, etc. The weird thing is that I know this and vaguely do things, tell people but don't 'do ' anything serious. I don't do what I would like someone to do . That would be say to myself, and what some of you here have said to me and others," wow you are in a bad place,  really bad. What can you do about it." I have sat in it thinking it would magically get better, or that it really wasn't THAT bad or I don't know what.

The other weird thing is ' no one else in my life has either'. My sister and mother know that I am quite depressed. My best friend also, and I have said to various people that I am struggling 'a little' . People don't do anything. I unconsciously have chosen my name quite well. In Charlottesometimes (a book) the girl goes to bed and wakes up in a different time, swapping with the girl from the other time. They do this at random, unpredictable nights, swapping into each others lives and times.. And no one notices the difference.   As long as they do what they/the other is meant to be doing.

Maybe they have and I'm the one who didn't notice.

I need help. I am going back on medication.

I realised too that I am actually quite angry. Beneath the pain is anger. I read someone else's post and they talked about wanting someone to notice they had withdrawn and respond. I understand that. I don't like it. I don't want to be that passive person. What is the line between wanting to be cared about and not taking responsibility?

I am angry that I wasn't looked after. I am angry that my experience led me to believe I was and still am not worthy of attention, care, consideration. That I don't trust when people spend time with me, I am afraid that they are tricking me.

I am angry that someone in my life wanting to include other people in an activity we do makes me feel so rejected that I spiral down and consider suicide. How is this possible. If I lose that friend surely that is better than losing my mind.

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[Neil_1]

Hi Charlotte  

I’m glad that you’ve come here again and have posted this.  There’s a lot more information in this post and wow, I’ve gotta say though, that you’re struggling massively – “yeah, tell me something I don’t know, Neil”.  🙂  

When you say your concentration is gone and you cannot work … does this mean that you are employed, but find it difficult to be at your work and perform?  

 Are you able to snack or graze on different foods … this is so important, as you would already know … but Charlotte, you’ve gotta put some fuel in your body, or you’ll simply conk/konk out.  (looks like spelling it with a ‘c’ is the way to go!)  🙂  

I have friends who know that I suffer from terrible depression and other things … but generally no-one will come forward to ask how I am, or offer assistance etc.  Well, they have offered assistance from time to time, but mostly, it’s all quiet on their front.  And I like it like that.  But if I need, I can reach out to them – and for me, that’s a comfort to know.  What I’m saying here Charlotte is that your sister and mum AND your best friend all know, but it might be that you need to reach out to them for support??   Or you may do that and then they aren’t able to be there for you?  I do hope that isn’t the case.  

However I can say that if you reach out here, there’ll be a lot of ‘friendly, willing and most of all, supportive’ hands reaching back out to you to grab hold of you and bring you to our safe place.  Yes, it’s this internet site, but here you receive albeit, electronic, care, advice, guidance and above all, support.  And you know, it’s really good.  🙂  

You’ve said that you need help and are going back on medication.  So you’ve recently been to see a GP, yeah?  Is that who organises your meds?  Have you been happy with this person in the past??  

I ask this, cause this site has a whole host of GP’s available to be searched and you should be able to find some in your local area.  These guys are trained to deal with mental health issues and as such, if they find it needed, after assessing, they can refer you on to a psych who should be one that is suited to what you’re having to deal with.  

 Charlotte, I hope some of my post has helped and as always, would love to hear back from you.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[charlottesometimes]

Hi Neil

I'm so glad you are there. Hmm, that is probably quite an unfair burden to put on you 🙂

I have a job in an office. I am currently quite ineffectual. My manager is worried and tries to be supportive She would rather I don't come in than pretend to be coping. I didn't know this until yesterday. I guess if Im not here she knows my work is not being done rather than just hoping it is. This is one of my supposedly busy periods. Also being at work at least provides some structure and distraction that I don't get at home.

I just ate a banana.

You are so lovely and generous. I can hear myself be quite selfish and self focussed.

I wish there was a way to sort the posts because I get curious about people and want to follow their stories, like you and Greg and Jo and Mares, well everyone I meet here. Is it okay to ask people about their lives or do we wait for posts and gather information that way?

[Mbuna]

Charlotte,

It sounds like you are doing it tough at the moment. I read your post and think that you could be my long lost twin sister. The feelings you are having now are very similar to how I was when I was at my worst. I remember how miserable I was. I look back at it and it still scares me. I do sympathize and I feel bad for you. These feelings you have can be fixed. 

I am not a trained professional so I cant give you any clinical advice. I can however give you some of my experiences. The most important part of your post is "I need Help" If you are having suicidal thoughts then you do need help. I wont comment on the medication issue because I don't know your circumstances. If you are on medication, I imagine you have sought help before. Go back and see your GP. Let him know you are not coping. You and I both know that this is not just going to go away by itself.

When i look back at my life and my depression I can sum it up in 3 words. Anger, paranoia and selfishness. When I was depressed I was very selfish. Everything was about me. I took no time to think how anyone else was feeling nor how my condition was affecting others around me. I told very few people around me because I was embarrassed but those i did tell were not very helpful. Even my wife did not want to help. I started to hate my friends for no real reason and I became extremely paranoid and angry. I was suffering and they were not helping me. I found I started excluding myself from family and friends activities then blaming them because I had not been part of it. I was angry all the time and wanted someone else to blame for all my problems. I was a grumpy horrible person and I don't blame my friends for putting some distance between us.

I don't know you, so what i am about to say is a little hypothetical but based on my experiences. You say nobody notices or cares. I think you will find that they they do notice and that they do care. They probably just don't know how to handle it. If you are angry and paranoid like i was then they are probably treading on egg shells around you. What you need to realize is that your friends cant fix this problem. They don't know how to. If you are angry all the time or difficult to deal with because of your condition, then your friends may exclude you from activities. Its human nature. Wanting your friends and family to care is normal. Depression can make us very selfish. We feel so bad all the time and we can get angry and paranoid a lot. Try not to take everything so personal. I know its hard but you don't want to drive all your friends away. I found that when I got help and my depression/anxiety started to lift, I got less paranoid and selfish. I released that my condition had effected others around me. As I started acting normal again they started to include me again.

There is nothing wrong with wanting people to care about you. We all want that but you cant expect others to drop everything in their lives for you. Its not fair to expect that of them. Its not fair to get angry if they socialize with others either. They probably don't understand what you are feeling. Unless you have suffered from this illness its hard to understand. I understand how you feel and a lot of people on this forum also understand. Your friends probably don't.  If they don't understand then they cant help. Its like trying to ask someone who does not drive to give you driving lessons. They can get in the car with you but they will be as anxious and stressed as you are. Try not to be too harsh on your friends and family. There is a line between wanting to be cared for and taking responsibility. What you are feeling is not your fault but only you can fix it. You don't have to do it alone. Go and see a professional. They will understand what you are going through. I found that when i got help I was able to understand how my mind was reacting to things. I was also then able to explain things to my friends and family so they understood. You know you need help. Trust me when i tell you, you wont regret it.

Kind Regards

Mbuna

[Lilyn]

Hi Charlotte

I relate so much to your posts....I think I have written to you before that you could be writing about me. I started to write a post before but deleted it as I felt like I wasn't expressing myself well....I couldn't articulate how I am feeling at the moment. I then read your post and it was like you had written it for me.

I feel so many of the same things you do at the moment. I don't even know what else to write to you. I am listening to you though and understand just how you feel. 

[charlottesometimes]

Hi Mbuna

Thanks for taking the time to write to me. You are right. I am very self-focussed at the moment. It is all about me. In the past I was very angry without noticing it all. I didn't realise how I was affecting people. I didn't think I could. I am more aware now and try to keep my emotions to my self. Possibly people around me would probably laugh aloud to hear that.

I am aware that any response I have is about me 🙂

It is amazing the power of being claimed. Like when you say "you could be my long lost twin sister'. That is so lovely to read. To belong, to be part of something/one.

Ok, I hear you. I will focus on someone else for a while.

[charlottesometimes]

Hi Lilyn

Thanks. Though I don't want you or anyone to feel this way either. Let's try and find a way out.

So you are a fellow deleter, I understand that. I felt intimidated initially by the beauty and care people were able to express in their responses. I don't think it is essential though. Just being here is enough. Thank you for being here 🙂