At the Crossroads

[Qualm]

It's my first post on here; decided to sign up since I've just tumbled into the pits. I don't know what I expect to accomplish by posting here. Just venting, I guess.

I'm a 30-year-old male who's sick of going nowhere and decided to return to study in an area that interested me and which might yield a more fulfilling day-to-day life (and possibly more than near-minimum wage). Just got my grades back - I've failed two of the four units in the first semester and I'm feeling angry... really angry about this. Recently, I felt that I was getting on top of my depression; I had finally found a drug that seemed to be doing the job, and I was feeling relatively positive about things. But now with this recent bad news, all the bad thoughts are forcing their way back in - the ones that tell you that you're worthless and stupid and will never amount to anything, so you might as well just kill yourself.

On top of that, I'm living at home with my parents while all my friends are grown up, getting married, managing careers, buying houses, having kids, etc. etc. while I continue to be a perpetually single, underachieving, overgrown man-child. I'm not even working at the moment - not even part time. During this semester, I haven't come close to being able handle the workload and don't know how I could possibly fit employment into my schedule considering the amount of time it takes me to work through the assessment material; so instead, my savings from past employment continues to dwindle while I try to study. I feel even more worthless for this; I know many younger students can manage a balance between work and study and at my age and lack of other commitments, I should be able to as well.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that for now, before I tell my life story. Hi everyone!

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[white knight]

Hi Qualms, welcome her eto beyond blue forums

It reads like the "grass is greener" syndrome.  These friends of yours, you don't know their struggles and their future challenges etc. It all seems grand and in some ways other people's lives might well be better but my point is, life levels itself out a lot. As time goes by, many of those friend might say to you.."wish I had your life".

Whatever areas you believe are deficient you need to ask others for ideas on where to improve yourself.

Sports like Volleyball and badminton, dancing, etc, expand your activities in order to connect with others. Meet new male friends and they will have female friends etc. Funny as it seems some female cant find you...you have to be finable.

Tony WK 

[White_Rose]

Dear Qualm

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Glad you wrote in. This is a good place to talk about your difficulties, read what others have to say and contribute to various conversations. You may or may not find the answers you want but you will find support and understanding.

Going back to study can be difficult, especially when it has been a while since you were at school. Do you attend classes or is your study all online? Classroom interactions are more helpful I have found, particularly as there is the opportunity to ask questions of the lecturer during or after lessons.

I went back to study many years ago which was successful, then later tried another course while I was in a huge depression. No prizes for guessing which was the easiest and I did not complete the second attempt. So I understand the added complication of battling depression while starting a new project.

You have my respect. I am sorry your grades were less than your expectations. Can you reduce your workload to one or two subjects for a couple of semesters? This will help with stress and once you are feeling better you can add more subjects.

The point about ADs is that they will not cure you. They help to make you feel better and do whatever it is in your brain, but often it is life situations that have caused the depression in the first place. You have not mentioned receiving any professional help. Is this the case? It may be helpful to ask your GP for a referral to a psychologist for a short time. It may help you to work on and manage your self-esteem.

Living with your parents at this time is not all bad. You have on-the-spot support and if your finances do run out I expect you will still live there. It may be useful to have a chat with someone from CentreLink about an income.

Of my four children, three were in their thirties before they found their partners and started families. So do not be too downhearted.

I suggest that you find a volunteer job, working about ten hours a week. It may satisfy CentreLink requirements to work and give you some income while you study. I know you said a job was out of the question because of the workload, but having an external interest can help to keep your mind stimulated with different thoughts. Constant concentration on one area can lead to dryness of inspiration. As the saying goes, a change is as good as a rest.

Also consider phoning the BB helpline when you feel down. It is available 24/7 and the number is 1300 22 4636.

Hope to hear from you again.

Mary

[Qualm]

Thanks for the quick response guys.

On the "grass is greener" scenario, white knight, you are right; people often want what they don't have. I just didn't expect to be living at home at this point in my life and it gives me a sense of inadequacy. There's a stigma associated with adult children living at home with their parents, which significantly contributes to my lack of confidence when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex (and socialising in general). Probably a story for another day.

White Rose, in the case of study, yes, I am on campus for the reasons you mentioned. It helps to be able to get assistance from tutors/lecturers in person; although, the quality of help available seems to vary greatly depending on the unit. There was one unit I struggled with a lot but did quite well at because the help available was excellent - not so much for the other units. I am thinking of only doing three units next semester, as much as it will pain me to delay my graduating year.

I am seeing a psychiatrist every couple of months (I'm due in there tomorrow actually). I was seeing a psychologist a couple of years ago but I didn't find the sessions particularly helpful. It has been suggested by the psychiatrist that I need to take up a group activity such dancing or martial arts to get myself out of my shell but I have procrastinated on this, partially due to the stress study is causing me and partially due to some social anxiety issues.

Yes, I've learned that AD's don't kill the black dog, they just hold him at bay; but he's an opportunistic feeder and will slink back out of the shadows as soon as he spots a weakness 😞

[Sophie_M]

Hi Qualm, welcome to the forums.

It sounds like you are trying really hard to beat your depression and challenge yourself with studying which can trigger those thoughts of worthlessness if you are challenged by the learning material. Often Tafes and Universities have a Student Services department that can provide additional support to students who have a mental health issue such as depression or even if you have returned to study after a long break.

Self-care can be quite an important strategy given the emotional strain you can experience during this time and some useful things you can try to help you are:

• Stay connected to friends and family and use support groups
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
• Stay healthy – Eat healthy meals, exercise regularly, get a good night’s sleep and keep use of drugs and alcohol to a minimum.
• Make time to participate in enjoyable activities.

You might also wish to have a look at beyondblue's student support website The Desk.

Please continue to reach out for support Qualm. We are here to support you and hope you find some helpful responses here online

[Qualm]

Thanks for the tips Sophie. I checked out The Desk - according to the quiz, I'm a high risk chap. I had a look at the forum in the Coffee House and there doesn't seem to be anything in there. Is it still getting off the ground?

I got the academic probation email from my university last night. It's been eating away at me all day. Really quite ashamed of myself; as an adult who's been out in the world, I should be better than this.

[white knight]

Hi Qualm,

You are expecting too much of yourself. Chill. You are human. If you give your all you cant expect anymore than that.

You are a winner due only because of you attitude. Attitude is everything you need except self obligation in your case. Raise the bar only enough that you can leap it.

Tony WK