Are you ok?? Why don't people actually listen to response

[Maggie_Mae]

I've been a little lost of late, struggling a little, trying to build up the courage to actually go to a GP and talk about possibly having depression. After weeks and weeks of back and fourth in my head pros and cons. Today a friend asked me if I was okay? That I seemed quieter than normal.

my first and normal response was to say "yeah fine just a bit tired" but today I rhought NO I am going to be brave say no I am not okay.

As I start d to responded: no not really my 'friend' had already moved on to tell me about how she had been having a bad day. i felt like she had kicked me in the gut. Why ask if you don't care enough to at least listen to response.

Dont by me wrong I am happy to help her out and listen to her bad day(as she put it) but it got me thinking how do you know when to tell someone NO YOUR NOT OKAY. Because ig they don't listen to you it sure makes you feel worse than you did before.

[Maggie_Mae]

my friend not listening to my response has me questions and doubting myself so much more.

Did she not hear me? So am I overreacting.

is she okay? Does this make me a bad friend/person for being concerned for myself not her day

Am I not worth of being listen too?

should I juat go on pretending if no one cares?

3 little words whixh seems simple enough yet how we reponded and how other act towards us can impact so much.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

If I can ask, how close is your friend that asked if you're okay, and in what sort of tone did she ask? Unfortunately with people you're not that close to, it's often more small talk than something asked genuinely. You can tell by the look on their face, if there's genuine concern. They'll generally slow down and really look at you like they see you. They'll just rush it if they're merely "being polite" to open up the door to go on about themselves.

If it's someone you're close to though, and you value that relationship, maybe message her and say it hurt that she didn't stop and let you answer because you needed to talk. Sometimes people get so caught up in their own stuff they don't even realise when they've done the wrong thing. I've had to pull my bestie up once or twice and remind him to listen as well as talk, and he was honestly completely oblivious to his behaviour and apologised, and has tried to do better. Human interaction is a tricky thing.

[Maggie_Mae]

We are quite close friends. I clearly picked wrong time and person to speak to. Maybe I need to work on my ability to judge a situation. I think j will go back to my normal response of "yeah fine just tired"

Feels all to often people pretend to care when they actually don't!

[Lost_Girl]

Hi,

I am a strong believer that there are different friendships for different things. I have close friends who would ask that and listen properly.

I also have a close friend I have known since I was 5 (I am 41 now), who lives in a different state, ask me the question and I said no, I am not ok. I told her why, she seemed to listen but I didn't feel that she heard.

She asked to come visit and I said no and explained I loved her but no and why she couldn't. She turned up anyway. She said, I just wanted to check that you're ok. I said, I am not ok, and explained again why. No more than 10 mins passed and her Mum rang her and I heard her say, yes I am here now, yes, she is ok, she is just tired.

Now, I have no doubt that this person loves me. I know she does. I have no idea why she can't comprehend my illness or that I am not ok. Before she left to go back to the state she lives in she said again, I just wanted to check that you're ok. To which I replied again....I am not ok. She said quietly. Yeah, I know, it's just that you're the strong one and she gave me a hug.

Thinking back on it I realise that for some of my friends I am the listener and I have never needed anyone to give back in return. Perhaps it's just about finding the right friend who is in the right place to give what is needed at the time? Maybe it's not pretense but inability?

Have you had a look at the depression checklist on here yet Maggie Mae? I actually did it in reverse. I was diagnosed then did the checklist to make sure it was true 🙂 It might seem a bit daunting but chatting to my GP was the best thing that I have done. The forums here are good too.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Maggie_Mae]

Thanks Carol ypur response made so much sense to me. I think you are right I am always the listener and helper no matter who or what they need. I think sometimes I get lost and forget about me. its hard finding the right person to chat too.

yes I have done the checklist and read through lots of the information on here, however after my friends respond I am further away from building up he courage to talk to anyone else anytime soon.

[Lost_Girl]

Hey Maggie,

I understand. It really is so much harder when you are "the strong one" and suddenly you really need more. It is exactly why I ended up here with all of these wonderful people and to be honest I don't think any of my real life friends could have helped as much early on as the people here because I didn't understand what was happening so how could they unless they had been through depression?

Well Maggie, I heard you lovely. I heard you are hurting and I listened and I know that you are not ok and that things are tough right now. Did you know that depression can make you feel like isolating yourself away from other people? It is good to talk to someone. If you don't feel up to getting to your GP just yet, please consider writing back here. You are safe here and I am ready to listen if you'd like.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Maggie_Mae]

Yes carol it can sometimes be worse to be the 'strong one' however sometimes it is easier to hide behind that too.

Thanks for your offer I really appreciate it however I am not sure I can share anymore than I already have.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Maggie Mae,

That's ok. Here when and if you need.

You sound like you've had a good look around the site so you may already know that there's the helpline ph number and chatline too if needed.

There's a thread called the BB cafe where people just pop in to have a more light hearted catch up and check in on one another to make sure they are ok. You are welcome to pop in and say hi anytime if you feel like it.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[demonblaster]

Hi Maggie Mae and all

Thanks for bringing this up, you may not be around here on the forums anymore but this I feel is a good topic for discussion. I stumbled on it looking for another on listening and want to read more and contribute sometime, so am tagging

Thank you ☺