An affliction masked and embraced as my personality.

[Mr__Darcy]

So here I am. A year ago i suspect many people would trade places with me but this assumption is no doubt in large part due to my ego. In my existential reflections its hard to picture my former self now. 33 years of narcissistic blissful ignorance came to a crescendo in February when I had a complete breakdown resulting in my eventual resignation from a CEO position for an NGO that landed in my lap 30 years too early.

Id been exceedingly optimistic all my life and why wouldn't i be, everything always seemed to go my way. If i set my mind to something it would usually manifest and if it didn't id just change my perspective of the situation and be at peace. Cognitive dissonance in all its glory.

Always a story to be told and everyone wanted to be around the boundless confidence that led me to what i thought was the perfect life. Travel, adventure, women, parties and a successful altruistic career to balance out my hedonistic behavior. What a crock of shit.

I think only a few long term ex girlfriends knew the real me behind closed doors... doors I wouldn't even open. Erratic impulsive behavior coupled with bouts of depression are hard to hide from the people closet to you. So i pushed away the ones I loved so I could be left with the me I hated.

Mental health disorder runs deep in my family and for me its Bi-Polar 2. Officially diagnosed last month but I've known for the longest time and just passed it off as my all or nothing personality. The undertones of self-loathing in this post are not because I have a mental health disorder but because iv'e lived my life ashamed of it. Too scared to be vulnerable to a stigma I've worked so hard to lift for others and in doing so I've let them down.

Id like to acknowledge also that I've lived a very blessed and lucky life and reading the stories of others who have gone through much more than i can comprehend let alone make it out the other side has given me hope for the first time in a long time. Thanks.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm bipolar 2 and 64yo. I've also got dysthymia (low mood constant depression, general depression and had anxiety but licked that years ago.

Older and wiser you can look back on your life with a great deal of success commercially, career etc. However realization of personal inner turmoil often comes later in life.

You likely know bipolar 1 and 2 is extremely taxing and our demons result to up to 20% of suicides so that alone is a strong indication of our challenges. For the rest of us it is an internal conflict and many of us maybe all, its a case of finding ways to survive in society and with healthy family and friend relationships.

You have insight, meaning you are one of the lucky ones and it is a good sign you can move forward with optimism regardless of this latest reflection.

Are you on medication? Mood stabilizers have been remarkable for me. In fact I have changed them since 2009 when diagnosed. BP2 symptoms of hypomania and depression still swings away but it is far less than was pre diagnosis. This minor "swing" meant I'd try and alter my medication dosage to suit it however I soon realised that wasnt a good idea, better to accept some swing will always be there.

There is a thread here that is ongoing that discusses bipolar. Google-

Beyondblue topic this bipolar life

Also you might want to google these and read just the first post of each-

beyondblue topic worry worry worry

beyondblue topic acceptance, is this our biggest challenge?

beyondblue topic they wont understand - why?

beyondblue topic "normal" people will not understand

beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

beyondblue topic saving yourself from doom

repost anytime and thanks for coming here.

TonyWK