Am i real?

[frankoceanisbae]

i hate the feeling of not feeling real.

im in year 11 and next year will be my last year of school and honeslty it terrifies me. i have no idea what i want to do or achieve when im "older" like why am i here? what is my purpose? and i feel like i cant be sad becuase i have so many things to be greatful for, but deep down i'm not happy. its so hard to explain this feeling like its not numbness but im not happy. i think its the mood swings from being happy when im with friends then sad and upset when im in my room and alone.

I dont want to ask my bestfriend for help becuase i know her life was so much tougher than mine and i dont want anyone feeling bad for me and saying sorry. my sister was diagnosed with depresssion ages ago and now is fine, so i feel like i cant ask for help becuase i dont want to end up like how my sister was.

i get these random episodes of dissassociation quite frequently and when i snap out of it i feel so fake, its like gettting deja vu, it freaks me out and really makes me think like wtf just happened and then i get this wave of dissassosiation and it repeats. a never ending cycle.

i just want to be happy and 'normal'

[therising]

Hi frankoceanisbae

While I never went on to study at uni, my daughter did a few years back. She'll tell you what a majority of people in her situation will tell you and that is 'Don't go unless you're passionate about studying something, otherwise you get into debt for no good reason'. She felt compelled to pick what she thought she'd like to do a course in (kinda like better than nothing at all). She's taken a break to figure out what she wants to passionately study. On the other hand, my son who completed year 12 last year had been passionate about studying marine biology since the age of 4. A diagnosis of high functioning autism last year helped explain why he struggled to gain the ATAR he needed. So, he'll be looking at a pathway in the future while developing certain skills in the meantime. Btw, a struggle with focus (on things that aren't fascinating) has always been his greatest challenge. His passion now is to 'make bank' while figuring out what kind of job will allow him to do that. Goes to show that everyone's different. There's no 'one size fits all' way of doing life.

Everyone needs a guide at certain times in their life, especially when there's no solid sense of direction. Some people can see the way forward and some can't. Even the ones who are good at seeing the way forward lose vision at times, for one reason or another. Again, a guide or a seer is a must on such occasions (someone who can see for us while sharing their vision with us).

I've found seeing or having some kind of vision can get tricky. For example, while I may not be able to exactly see the job I want to apply for, what I might be able to see is myself making a certain amount of money each week while helping and caring for others. It's a vague vision but one nonetheless. A process of elimination comes into play. Do I want to go to uni and study nursing? No. Now I can clearly see I won't be going to uni to study nursing. Do I want to care for specific types of people, such as the elderly or people with intellectual challenges or kids? If caring for the elderly or people with intellectual challenges appeals to me, I can now see myself going to TAFE for further education in one of those fields. The vision begins to expand, bit by bit.

I think what can help at times is to figure out our nature. If we've always been someone who's cared deeply for animals, it's in our nature to care for animals. Whether we volunteer to do that or gain paid employment in that area is us up to us and our abilities and skill base. Of course, we can always gain further abilities and skills, through education or experience. If we've always been someone who absolutely thrives in social settings, could be in our nature to become a bar tender. So on and so on. Perhaps the question is 'What is your nature?'. If you're not sure, perhaps this is the ultimate challenge right now, figuring out what brings you or used to bring you a sense of joy. Who are you naturally?

[sbella02]

Frankoceanisbae,

Lovely to hear from you again.

What you're feeling is very normal for your age, even if you feel as if your peers may have their lives and careers mapped out. I had no idea what I wanted to do beyond school, and I looked at many different career ideas before settling on my degree.

There are skills and career aptitude tests that you can take online to give you a little bit of direction if you're struggling to find ideas of what to do beyond school. I know that Seek offers a careers test. Even if you don't already have a part-time job, finding something just to get your foot in the door and get a little taste of what work life could look like for you may be helpful.

Have you done part-time or casual work before? If this is a feasible option, given school workload and/or other extracurricular commitments as well.

With regards to you turning 18, I also had similar anxieties around my birthday as well. Truth be told, I didn't really feel any different after turning 18, even though I thought I would change significantly. What are your main thoughts around turning 18, if I may ask? Is it getting older, the thought of having more responsibility, or the thought of adulthood in general perhaps?

[frankoceanisbae]

thank you for the response!

i have done lots is casual work and currently i work at supermarket, its okay but its money. the times i have done a skills test, its just said job i know aren’t me. and truth be told i am scared of growing up. like it really scares me. i think ive missed out on so much of my childhood, i dont want to let it go. i’m scared that ill never have a purpose in the next year or so and it really scares me. i’m not smart enough for uni and im just scared ill that i won’t be anything.

[sbella02]

Personally, I think that being "smart" is subjective. I argue that hard work and interest in the subject are just as (if not more) important than prior knowledge or being able to comprehend things quickly. I once had a friend whose dream was to pursue aviation and, even though she believed that she wasn't very book smart, she followed through on her dream with her hard work and dedication to her studies. She was in the school library more than anyone else I knew, and she'd always ask teachers for help if she wasn't sure about something. She ended up doing quite well and got into aviation, which she's now finished and is officially a pilot. If you end up choosing something that you enjoy doing, you may find it'll motivate you to work on it more, and you'll become better at answering questions and applying this knowledge.

I remember feeling woefully underprepared for uni. I also remember speaking to others my age who were in the same boat. You may find that you adapt better than you think you're going to. And if you're struggling, there are always measures you can take to help yourself out - getting tutored, group study sessions with other peers, asking your professors, online topic-specific forums etc. 

You're at the age where you're still discovering who you are, including where you feel like you want your life to take you. It's okay not to know at this stage, while it may feel scary. In my experience, it's better to go into something that's worthwhile with your fears rather than letting fear hold you back from the opportunity to grow, learn, and make memories. 

The supermarket is generally where a lot of my friends had part-time work as well, and I still have a lot of friends who work there while studying or trying to find other work. It can be a good stepping stone to other jobs, even if you're not entirely enjoying it at the moment. 

May I ask, what do you feel that you've missed out on in childhood? Is it related to people, experiences, freedom?

I would argue that these feelings can, in a sense, be recreated in adulthood. Whether it's reconnecting with your hobbies or interests, trying out new activities, surrounding yourself with people who bring you the same sense of joy, these feelings don't have to disappear after you grow into an adult. There's joy and wonder in every stage of life, and that's something I'm learning more and more. 

😊