Am I ok? Don’t know, don’t care.

[Saroseme]

Sorry to make another thread (different forum, but still), I feel like explaining my situation better, and I had another concern.

I’ve never be diagnosed, or seen some one who helps mental health, as keeping a mask, and pretending everything’s fine is my way of going, and telling me parents would be a struggle, as I can’t tell what their opinions on the whole matter is.

Now, my family are great, and have taught me great values, that saying, I wasn’t a great kid, I wanted to impress kids not worth it, which came up with some terrible influence, and had some interesting situations, I was an awful person to a friend, who’d honestly done nothing wrong, and that went on for years, disregarding her for myself, eventually it was brushed over by some stupid excuse (I was 7? At the time, i should’ve apologised, and in general, I just wished that I wasn’t like that). Of course it came back up, when I was 10, we do this whole big thing, on social stuff and all that, while never directly stating it, I was so guilty, I didn’t want to be alive, I didn’t deserve to be alive, I skipped class a lot, and honestly it just sucked, it really proves just to be nice whenever you can, there aren’t enough good people in this world.

Now that was a while ago, and while friends, we have a terrible relationship, which just shouldn’t go on. She’s gone through a lot more than me, yet she seems to be fine, and me who, for the most part, is fine, has always felt unhappy in the world.

I feel terrible, I don’t want to be here, I don’t deserve to be here, I don’t see how some people get away with doing that without remorse, or guilt. Call me heartless, stupid, I don’t mind, I’m sick of trying to make myself feel better.

So naturally, I’ve been screwed for years, and I don’t even know at this point, there’s a battle in my mind, that I can’t control, and it’s annoying to go on some days. I try to not think of it, but this girl, has been in my class, for 6 years, I can’t avoid it, or her. We aren’t “friends” only through mutals that is. My parents don’t even know, cause no one told them. I don’t have the heart. I think because it was never concluded, my mind won’t let it rest.

I feel so hopeless sometimes, I don’t even have the right to feel this way, I just don’t know. I’m writing this, mainly because I need to sleep tonight, and having it bug me is not the way to go.

If you have any way to help this, please let me know,

Sam

[PamelaR]

Hi Sam and warm welcome to our forums

Lovely to see you joining in on people's threads to offer support and caring. You seem quite good at that.

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds quite a difficult time for you for a long time. Unresolved conflict from early childhood is hard. I understand because I too had my share of problem friendships. The worst thing I ever did was to tell my bridesmaid (best friend) that I wasn't having her as my bridesmaid anymore. Ouch that hurt us both. Then to top it off, 12 months later I disappeared (to escape an abusive husband) and never let any of my friends know where I was or what I was doing. I think they have a name for that now. Never gave my friends a thought. I was too scared someone would tell my hubby were I was.

30 years on I wrote a letter to my friend (who I hadn't seen for that long), apologising for what I did. She wrote back and all was forgiven. Wow! Since then we've caught up for lunches and in fact we have regular (quarterly) catch ups now with the group of friends from high school. It was the best thing I ever did. The relief from taking the first step to say sorry was so empowering for me and for her too I think.

Having said that, to do what I did took years of learning to be a different person. Learning to - listen to others, feel others pain, not be too selfish, to be okay with who I was.

So while we are who we are, we can also make changes for the better. It doesn't happen over night. For me it's an ongoing process.

Also, I find I always think the worst of myself! It sounds a little like you might do the same. You are probably not as 'bad' as you think you are. Maybe be a little kinder to yourself?

Not sure if any of this has helped you Sam. Just sharing my experiences of friendships and the heartache they can cause. Especially if you have a mental health condition like I have - PTSD, anxiety and depression.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Saroseme]

Hi PamelaR,

Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for the kind words,

I totally agree, maybe a good first step is to apologise, I find it hard, as it’s a rough subject with me, bringing it up, is stressful, let alone to the person, last time that happened didn’t go to well (she mentioned it), as I was supposed to practice as the lead of a production, but the only thing I could think about, was how stupid I was. So that’s always a problem in its self, another thing is how it would actually go down, now I’m pretty sure I’ve already apologised, my memory is annoyingly vague (I’m pretty much taking her word for everything that happened, so I don’t even know very well). Our friendship is getting worse, and worse, by the day, so I’m not sure anymore, because I still don’t think we’d be friends, as for my other friends, I’ve put myself in a box of being a “pessimistic, emotional, argumentative” sorta person, which, proves helpful in warding off jerks, not so much in my friends opinions on me, they think I’m unstable, happy to angry with a second, which, to an extent is true. But I don’t think they take me seriously when I’m in a positive mood, which I’m not sure. I’m not like that online, because, I’m not like that, but I can’t even tell, it’s confusing.

Im sort of getting ok with myself, not really all that much, but much better than earlier, when I’d stress out so much, I would purposely get sent off to the office, because I was sick, when, I couldn’t actually cope with being me, I just couldn’t. While still having my moments, and still pretty often, it’s not a daily thing, just if similar is mentioned. And I guess, I could say I’m being harsh on myself, but I don’t believe I am, nor do I actually have anything good left in me anymore to say, which isn’t great.

I do believe that what you said about slowly improving is true, and that’s why helping out with people here, and on other sites, is something I enjoy doing, knowing you’ve helped, or tried even makes you feel happy.

Im not exactly sure about my plan in this, as thoughts have been on, off, for 3 years, or how to fix all of this, but your words really did help consider my options.

Thank you again,

Sam

[PamelaR]

Hi Sam

Thank you for getting back with more of your story. I'm pleased to hear you are feeling a little happier. That's really good.

I am a little concerned though that you haven't talked to anyone about what you are going through. Do you have a school counsellor that you can talk to? Have you thought about contacting -

eHeadSpace 1800 650 890 (or chat online www.headspace.org.au/eheadspace/

Kids Helpline 1800 551 800 (or chat online www.kidshelpline.com.au/gethelp/webchat-counselling

It's okay to talk with someone about what you are feeling. It's important that you do really. I'm not a health professional so all I really only share my experiences with you. To help you improve, it's okay to have someone (e.g. counsellor) work through it with you.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Saroseme]

Hi PamelaR,

Thank you again for the kind words,

I’m not exactly sure if there’s a counsellor at my school, as I’m about to start attending a new school, I’ll look into it once I start.

Thank you for recommending the helplines, I have used the kids helpline before, now particularly for this, because it’s hard to try to explain something to someone, it just stresses me out. I’m trying to just explain it, but yeah.

Yeah, I definitely agree, and maybe talking to someone may be helpful, sometimes I’m just not sure where to start with explaining.

Thank you for the great advice,

Sam

[PamelaR]

Hi Sam

Writing can be very good to help get out what is troubling us.

I wonder, are you able to write it all down? Have you ever thought about starting a journal to get down all the things you are finding very hard to say?

Then, if you want you could show that to a counsellor. But only if you wanted to.

I wrote in a journal for 20 years. I don't think I want anyone to ever read it. But it helped me to see how I improve over time too.

Hope the new school goes well.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Saroseme]

Hi PamelaR,

That’s a good suggestion, I do write stuff down every once in awhile, just because keeping up with stuff like that isn’t my favourite thing to do, but I think that’s a good idea with everything going on, I’m gonna try to write it down somewhere.

Yeah, I think that would be a good way to show it, cause saying it is not really my favourite thing. Thank you.

20 years is a long time, I’d never have the dedication to write for that long, but yeah, it’s definitely a good idea.

Thank you again,

Sam

[Rocket_Man]

Hey Sam,

Some good stuff there from Pamela on Journaling, good to hear you see the value in it, has helped me out of so many "jams" .

I'm posting as you touched on something which I identified with, which was a lack of awareness of your current emotional state, while you're in the moment. This is a factor which I experience, and is consistent with other people with Bipolar i've spoken with. I have Bipolar type 1 (the bad kind) but self awareness levels fluctuate in normal people too, so I dont think it necessarily means you should identify with a certain mental health issue. However you did also mention noticeable mood swings so there may be something to that for you.

There is a woman named Kay Redfield Jamieson, she is the lead professor at one of the top medical schools in the world, Johns Hopkins University. Shes immensely talented, intelligent and successful, also has Bipolar and writes books, you could try looking at some of her work if it interests you and see if you can relate. Shes on Youtube.

Also sounds to me like you're ruminating on this apology to your friend for whatever it is? am I understanding that right ? Theres almost always a barrier of fear in front of us to move forward emotionally in our lives, so if thats whats holding you back from apologising, its important to condition the habit to just dive through it if you know its right.

If you think she will appreciate it, get it done. You said you were a leader, real leaders own their mistakes, or people stop following.

Best wishes,

[Saroseme]

Hey,

Sorry for the late reply,

I’ll check her out, thanks.

I’m not sure about it all, I just wrote it being confused at the time, I wasn’t actually considering too many possibilities, and yeah, I get your point of view,

Thanks,

Sam