Am I in depression denial or is this just a state of mind?

[Annonymouse]

For the last few years I have suspected that I have been suffering from depression. I feel like there is no purpose in life, I am constantly tired and lethargic, I cant concentrate on anything or make decisions. I feel kind of empty all the time, like even when I am doing fun and happy things I feel like I am only laughing and enjoying it as a front to fit into society. The only time I genuinely enjoy myself is when I am drunk.. Which I dont do often because I cant handle the hangover depression. If I had my way I would stay in bed forever. I have no motivation to do anything, ever. The funny thing is, I cant remember a time where I didnt feel like this, I just put it down to being introverted or  I think maybe this is a personality trait of pessimism rather than depression? I mean, its not like I cant feel happy, sometimes I do.. Doesnt depression mean U have an imbalance and physically cant feel happy ever? 

although all these are classic symptoms of depression, I cant bring myself to seek help for them. How do I know if this is actually depression or whether I have just created this situation in my mind as a way to justify my negative mind? 

I dont trust talking to a GP, i went once and she read through the checklist of symptoms and said yep thats it.. But how do I kmow if my symptoms are real or if I have just fooled the doctor by what I think is the disgnosis? 

[geoff]

dear Annonymouse, welcome to the site and thanks for posting your comment, which is certainly a thought that many people wonder.

It's sorry that you feel this way, but the first point which you make is the perfect example of why people don't feel depressed and you say 'does't depression mean U have an imbalance and physically cant feel happy ever', and the answer to this is absolutely no, there were heaps of times when I was depressed that I could laugh and be happy when in company, and could even have an inner laugh within myself or laugh, smile when someone said something to me, but I couldn't stay happy my depression always brought me down.

So by being depressed just doesn't mean that you remain in a sombre mood, however everyone is different.

The other issue is that you drink and then feel happy, perfect another example of being depressed, and all the other symptoms you have mentioned, actually mean that your well and truly heading towards or have done so already in depression.

Why would a healthy person want to do this, 'just created this situation in my mind as a way to justify my negative mind', because a negative mind leads to all sorts of mental problems, and by saying 'mental problems' is by no way a slur on you at all, because it's now accepted as a common illness, and by the way I have and still do have 'mental problems' and have for a very long time.

There is a site I'd like you to google and it's a simple site, 'depression and being happy', and this may explain it much better than I can.

These tests that you do to find out how you are feeling do have cross questions or other questions for you to answer, so you can try and fool them, but you can't, so in other words what your doctor has said to would be try.

I running short of characters, but if you don't like this doctor then we can help you find another one, but I'm really interested in your post, and even though I reply to lots of people I will try and remember to check on yours. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Anon

Welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good that you have found your way to BB and have started talking to us.

I am not a doctor but I can endorse your GPs assessment. You certainly sound the way I feel about depression and your words will resonate with heaps of other people on this web site. I would like to say welcome to the club, though it's not the best club to belong to. Here you will find lots of support. Read other posts. You will find many similarities between your feelings and others.

Your brain is playing tricks on you, the way it does on everyone. You described your symptoms to the doc who diagnosed depression. It's quite difficult to fool a good GP by stating imaginary symptoms. They have seen it all and learn to tell the fake from the real. Your symptoms need to match other things you say as Geoff has commented.

So first suggestion, go back to your GP and accept her help. Or find another GP and start again. Click on Get Support/Find a Professional above and enter your postcode to find a GP with experience in mental health issues in your area.You can go round in circles trying to find out what's wrong and be no closer to a solution in a few years time.

Do you want to get well? Your negative mind, as you call it, is the result of depression not the cause. In the worst days of my depression, like you I could not remember what happiness was. I was just existing. As I said, it's your brain that is pulling the strings. It wants to take the easy path in life. No work, just follow the same old, same old. Your job is to tame the Black Dog and bring it to heel. I often use that expression as I feel it is a good description of what needs to happen.

If you have ever owned a dog and trained it to obey your commands, you will know that it can be frustrating, difficult, time-consuming, irritating and ultimately, fantastic. You end up with an obedient dog that is a pleasure to have around. Your depression is the same. Well similar. Depression is not pleasant to have around but keep it in check and you will have a great life.

So please, trust your doc, whoever you see, and start some active and positive work on getting rid of your depression. Don't look too far into the future, take it day by day. Stay at work as much as you can. This will give you others things to concentrate on, help with your self esteem, and very importantly, pay the bills.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Mary

[Annonymouse]

Hi Geoff thanks for your post. Your words really resonate with me. I tried to google the test you refer to but i couldnt find it. Are you able to post a link? 

[Annonymouse]

Hi Mary thank you for your post. I find it hard to be motivated about seeking help, it feels to me like a massive never ending ordeal to unravel the web and fix what is wrong inside me. Sometimes I feel it would be easier just to accept life and live a non existence then go through the exhausting task of taming the dog. I would never be suicidal, that would break my mums heart, but im sure it would break her heart if she knew the struggle I went through in my mind every day.... Part of me worries that there isnt any fix to the situation, antidepressents just mask the issue and Im not sure if I can open up to a complete stranger in person. Just the idea of talking to a doctor or counsellor makes me anxious! i cant even talk to shop assistants to help me get the right size in clothes im too shy.

You ask do I want to get well? i do, im just not feeling hopeful I can. How do i find the motivation? 

[White_Rose]

Hello Anon

I hope you don't mind me jumping in. I think Geoff was directing you to look at web sites that talk about depression and happiness, and there are lots of them.

The other point he was making is that you would find it very difficult to fool depression tests as they have cross questions to check on other answers. If you are really skilled in this no doubt you could cheat.  But you would have to have lots of experience to do this. And ultimately there is no point, unless you do not want to have a correct diagnosis. In which case, why bother to do them in the first case.

I suggest you are going down the I feel wrong, so I must be doing something wrong, and now I feel worse so I must be making it worse etc. If you want to try out a test on your own, go to the BB homepage and take the one minute checklist. This is a good indicator of your mindset.

Also checkout the literature on Beyond Blue. Look under the tabs at the top of the page. Phone the 24 hour helpline for more information or help. Go on the Web Chat between 3:00 - midnight and talk it over there. The people who answer you are professionally trained so will give you good advice and information.

Cheers

Mary

[geoff]

dear Annonymouse, I'm sorry, as Mary has said it's a web-site where I just typed in 'depression and being happy', and not being an IT expert, I'm not sure of the link.

I can understand how you feel when you say ' antidepressants just mask the issue and I'm not sure if I can open up to a complete stranger in person', but if you like or feel as though you may click with someone, the relief is enormous or more so the feeling is massive, it's just taking that first step.

Can you remember your first bicycle ride, when your mum, dad, or whom ever let go so that you could ride all by yourself, I'm sure your words were 'don't let go I won't be able to do it by myself', but it was too late, there you are riding the bike by yourself.

I'm not suggesting that you go by yourself, and if you trust us, you need support, so you don't have to tell your mum everything, but she will be a total support for you.

We are behind you and want so much to help you, and before I send this reply back, please what ever you do is to not reply back to us, we want to stay in contact with you. Geoff.