Am I in denial?

[Rara]

BG: 

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar depression from my previous psychiatrist. I seek a professional help way back 2020. I had my anti depressants since then. Around 2022, I attempted suicide and was hospitalised for almost a week. Then around August 2023, I full forced stopped taking any medicine. 

I thought I was getting better. From the past, I have prolonged low episodes. Usually every 2 and more months before I switch to any episodes. Yet, after not taking any medicine. My episodes became upside down; switching either weekly (or within the week) or having many switches within a day. 

At some point, I was still in denial. I think? Not fully acknowledging that I am really personally experiencing this. Since I was way compassionate helping people in a mental health sector.

I wanted to seek professional help again, this time through more compassionate psychotherapy.  But then, I also don't know why. Why should I?

At some point, I wasn't ready for my subconscious to be awakened.

I have the fear of being questioned. I have the fear of not being believed by what I talked about.

Their questions made me feel like disregarded for what I feel or for what I am experiencing.

Knowing that it is often for me to hear from a family member about their capacity to conquer different situations over mine (a harder one than my experiences, leaving me comparing everything from my emotions and mental capacity).

Most of the time, my voice isn't really heard. I was stopped in the middle of telling myself—of me speaking on behalf of my most authentic self. Most of the time, they heard of themselves more than they heard the sole soul I have. 

And now, somehow, I feel hesitant and in denial?

It's like, people, they generally make you feel that what you are experiencing is nothing more than your own kind of trouble with yourself.

Leaving me questioning myself: am I overreacting? Am I sensitive, or are they insensitive?

Somehow, it makes me think that what I am experiencing is far from what they had. And questioning my right to be in this mental state.

And everytime I have my sessions, I thought that "why should I need this? I am doing fine. Does those matter? (The lows)". Because it usually happens that I feel high when there's a session. Or sometimes, I just felt like I am fine.

• It is very confusing and hard—too.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_70847330~

Welcome here to the Forum. You were wondering why bother with medical assistance, however I think you have answered your own question by relating the fact that you tried to take your life. It does not get more serious than that.

On top of which after you stopped your meds things changed and the ups and downs became quicker- sometimes several times a day. I'd imagine that is just about impossible to cope with, one minute everything might feel fabulous, very dark the next. How can you make decisions or enjoy life like htat?

It does not really matter what others say, even your family, if they do not take what you say seriously and go on about their own troubles instead. There is no sort of help there, more likely to cause self-doubt. I have htat happen to me, when close to taking my life and trying to explain I've been overridden by others who feel I  can have my situation ignored. It made me doubt things were as bad as I thought, however I did try to take my life after, so I was sort of fooled into thinking I could manage and it was not too serious. Bad move.

You are in charge of your medical treatment, and if you want assistance, but do not want to have your past re-examined then say so at the outset. My own psychiatrist gets on fine with me, only talking about matters I raise, no pressure there.

As for believing you, I'm sure they will, after all why wouldn't they? I believe all you have said today.

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[therising]

Hi Rara

I feel so deeply for you while you continue on your quest for greater self understanding and self development. I've found such a massive quest tends to hold more questions than answers. I've also found it's the nature of any significant quest to be filled with questions. I hope you find some of your answers here on the forums.

If it's of any help, I've come to look at the quest for greater self understanding and self development as something that has a bit of a 'backpack' element to it. It's kind of like

1. we all carry some baggage and the challenge is to work out the stuff we need to unload in order to lighten the load and travel without things (such as self destructive or outdated beliefs) that are just going to weigh us down
2. what's replaced is replaced by resources, skills, new beliefs, keys to greater self understanding etc. Resources, skills, new beliefs, keys (certain revelations that unlock things) and so on are collected as you go along
3. What lies in front of us is all uncharted territory, so sometimes there's the need for guidance and light or enlightenment (when it comes to finding our way through territory we've never covered before)

In that backpack, some people will travel with the right meds when it comes to managing the challenges of balancing their inner chemistry. Some people will travel with phone numbers that belong to therapists, friends, family members etc. Some will travel with a laptop that gives them access to brilliant sites that help in managing mental, physical and soulful wellbeing. The list goes on. The question becomes 'What are you best traveling with and not traveling with?'. It's definitely a learn as you go experience.

When it comes to phone numbers, for example, whose phone number do you want? Some people seek the number of/guidance from a psychologist, some seek purely soulful guidance and some seek what's known as psycho-spiritual guidance or counseling (bit of both). Some people will have the number of their GP or psychiatrist who helps manage their medication, while they seek psycho-spiritual guidance, for example. Some people will purely seek to better understand how emotion works, what could be defined as 'energy in motion' or e-motion (whether it be chemical or natural). It's energy moving in whatever form, that can be felt. Another question could be 'What or who leads me to feel emotion in such erratic ways?'. Another could be 'What does it take for me to become a master of emotion?'. Finding masters can be a massive challenge.

I truly believe the most challenging quest in life is to come to truly know our self. So much uncharted territory to cover. ❤️