Am I faking this? (from an post-ATAR student who is not feeling so hot)

[Window]

Hey guys - sorry for the rant. I'm new to this (and it shows lol).

So, HSC results came out last month, and I took it pretty hard. I don't really remember the week after, but I don't think I talked to anyone. I was stuck in some pretty dark thoughts. When I got that number, a lot of things crashed down on me - I tied a lot of my self-worth to that result. It's like that number told me, you have no future, and when my mind took over, it snowballed into you're fat and ugly and stupid (my mind's not very articulate).

I feel so heavy. At random points of the day, it pulls me to the floor. I couldn't cry, for some reason, and I feel emotionally dead, except for this perpetual dread. I haven't responded to my friends - they all did well and I keep thinking that they have this power over me. And strangely, I've been having nightmares every night and waking up exhausted. I sleep at 6am because I torture myself over every mistake I ever made and the sheer loneliness kills me. I think, How can I ever be happy knowing that nights like these exist?

It sounds weird and I can't really explain it, but I'm worried that I'm just doing this for attention. And worse, I kind of don't want to get better. It feels like I haven't punished myself enough and I'm scared of when I'll be okay again because that means forgiveness and acceptance and I can't do that right now. I haven't gone to anyone, because I'm probably just being dramatic. Sometimes, I feel really okay. The numbness actually helps a little. Maybe I'm pitying myself and letting it go to my head.

A few days ago, my parents told me that my behaviour was childish, that I was being rude by shutting myself up in my room. I know they mean well. They don't know how to deal with me. But I think that was the first time that I had cried since the results, and I was surprised at how emotional I got. It felt like my deepest fear, that I was just being a dramatic teenager and everyone feels this way and this is life, just some bottomless pit. And I was angry too. How can I possibly justify that? I have no right to be angry! I get their point - I just had never felt so alone.

I don't know what I want to get from writing this. My head is full of fog, and I am so drained. I didn't want to consider the big D-word for fear that I was just indulging myself. Am I faking this? Is this normal?

God, I know what I must sound like. There are people with real issues! I'll shut up now. Thank you for reading through all of this.

[MsPurple]

HI Window and welcome to the forums

I'm sorry you were not happy with your HSC results. I personally wasn't too happy with my results either. A lot of people are in the same boat.

I don't think you are making it up.IT can be hard to take news that hasn't gone your way and it can also be stressful. IT can also be hard when you are comparing yourself to your friends.

I think it maybe a good idea to consider talking to someone about it. I myself have found it really helpful to talk to someone about it. For myself I have anxiety and they helped me through sort through all the rushing of thoughts I got with things like this.

There is a youth mental health service called headspace. They have an online service as well. If this isn't for you, consider having a chat with your gp

I know it's tough. Honestly in a years time no one will care about HSC results.If you wanted to go to uni there are course pathways and ways around getting the degree you want (I did that).

[therising]

Hi Window

I regard you as a seriously intelligent person. You are asking questions, in the way of identity, that some folk never think to ask throughout the whole of their life. I suppose the ultimate question is 'Who am I now that the results have come in?' Am I less than those who have done well? That's a big NO, by the way. Am I handling my emotions appropriately, consciously enough? The list goes on. This world really grinds my gears at times. It focuses more on academic intelligence than it does natural intelligence. It is natural to ask questions regarding the evolution of self. I believe it is unnatural to induce so much stress academically in young people, especially without a highly effective skill set being taught to help deal with the demands that lead up to year 12, that happen during year 12 and that happen after year 12. Imagine if students were given access to a therapeutic support group full of people who didn't get the results they were after. Makes sense to offer such an option, in my opinion. There wouldn't be that lonely feeling.

Crying is good when consciously used as a form of emotional release. You've just spent 13 years of your life slowly graduating through school. My daughter's in year 12 this year and my son's in year 9. As I say to them 'The Australian Education system is so outdated, generally non inspirational and can be somewhat destructive (mentally). To graduate through that requires a round of applause.' You reached the end of 13 years. The result at the end of it doesn't make you any less of a champion regarding your endurance and application throughout those years. Some don't stick it out 'til the end; they realise a trade is their thing and leave earlier.

So, 'What is my thing? Where to from here?' requires a bit of wondering. Give yourself some time to wonder about who you're going to be in the way of life. You could become an adventurer or a writer or something altogether outside the square. You may have even thought about studying natural therapies. Your objective might be to spend the next year generating cash. Money is nothing more than a provider of opportunity. What could you do with money? Travel for a while? The possibilities are plentiful.

Keep wondering about who you are (in curious ways, not destructive ones that require comparison to others). You don't have to wonder anymore about what your HSC results will be. You know what they are. Try allowing be wonder full to raise you to new possibilities.

🙂