Am I faking my depression?

[Blisstinia]

I’ve reached a point where I’m starting to believe what my family have been telling me all alone. Maybe I have made myself depressed. For so long I’ve been able to suck up my pain, remain positive and get on with my day, until I started feeling flat and dissatisfied even after making it into law school and landing an amazing job. I’ve been feeling so dissatisfied to a point I always call in sick and have stopped going to uni, everything is so hard now, I don’t have that same strength I did 3 years ago.

However in my family’s eyes I am throwing my life away, which I’d understand why they’d think that. But why can’t they help me get it back then, not beat me down and tell me to stop looking for attention, and that my “depression” is costing me my friendships, without providing ANY support since I’ve started my journey 3 years ago. All they want to see are results, but they are not willing to help me get them, not even willing to hear me vent.

I have reached a point when I now regret even looking into this “depression” I wish I’d just continued masking my pain, at least that way I was still functioning. I am constantly ashamed of myself for allowing myself to say “I have depression” for thinking that by coming out people will support you. Now I’m constantly cautious of what people think of me, I’ve made things worse for myself.

[quirkywords]

Blisstina

Welcome to the forum and thanks for making that first step of expressing how you feel.

I was so touched and upset by your story, Not only are you coping with depression you have to pretend that you don't have it and are not getting the support prom people who you thought would understand. So now you are doubting yourself and your own feelings.

You wonder why you family can't help you and don't understand- for some people have not experienced depression they find it very hard to understand why someone they love and care for isn't happy isn't getting on with their Iives.

I can see why feel like regretting think you have depression but the trouble with using a mask to hide the pain that it will eventually slip .

You have no reason to be ashamed . You are brave to have coped through your studies and without family support.

Have you seen a doctor or a counsellor? Is there a doctor you could speak to at uni?

I can see you are loved by your family and you love them .

Would be able to call the Beyond Blue chat line and have a talk to someone.

This is a friendly and safe site where you will be supported and not judged. So many people here can relate to your story. I have told people I was depressed and they have dismissed me as they didn't understand, but I have found people who do understand and I listen to them.

There are people who will support you and understand and I am glad you have told your story here.

There are other threads. here that you may find helpful.

When you feel like it keep posting here.

Regards

Quirky

[geoff]

hi Blisstinia, and thanks Quirky for your good reply.
What your family want from you is to be a successful lawyer, that's their priority, their main wish, and won't even consider that you not feeling well, and you can try and make yourself sad for a day or two but you can't make yourself depressed, even if you pretend to them that you're OK doesn't take away the fact that depression is there controlling your every movement.
If you didn't have depression then you wouldn't be saying that you have it, simply because it's an illness that nobody would ever wish upon themselves, so maybe you're not telling yourself to keep saying that you have it, it would soon be proved by what you can, however you've rung in sick and stopped going to uni.
At the moment I would be bypassing your family and get the help you need starting off with your doctor and then a psychologist.
Your job maybe in doubt if you keep telling them that you're not well, I certainly hope not, but this is no concern of what your family believes in and actually none of their business, not unless they realise that you do need help.
Money and pride has to be put on hold at the moment because depression won't allow this to happen, I'm very sorry but look after yourself first and foremost. Geoff.

[Blisstinia]

Hello

@Quirky, thank you for your kind words, and thank you for empathising with my situation. I am keen on participating in more threads and to find more people that feel the same way, and hopefully help someone along the way ✨

I do love my family, but we’re all so damaged and everyone is going through their own battles, so I understand why it can be hard for them to support mine.

I see a psychologist, not regularly though because of the mental health care plan. I’ve only recently started seeing counsellor a at uni and they’ve been a big help. I am confident that I will fight this and regain my life, but I’m afraid of having to do it on my own, like I have been for so long, it’s exhausting and to some extent adds on to my depression.

@Geoff thank you for your insight. You’ve analysed the situation well. Like I said, I have been fortunate enough to see some counsellor and doctors, and currently on the road of discovery. However no matter how much I can try to take care of myself, it’s hard to continue doing so with so much negativity surrounding me (I live with my family).

I’ve tried so hard opening up to them, but they’ve made it clear that this is not something they’re willing to support, until they see results. I can’t change that, but hopefully I can change how I react to their words and actions.

My only fear is when I do have lapses, who will I turn to 😞 I can’t pretend to be okay anymore, I need to fight these thoughts and feelings head on, but I cannot do it by myself.

Cheers

Bliss 🙂

[Guest_0087]

Hi Bliss

Found your thread. Really feel for you to hear your story. It sounds very similar to mine with the family not accepting your depression and just kind of telling you to move on. Now knowing that you too are a zimbo, I can kind of see the correlation and understand it a bit better.

I want you to know that I am here for you no matter what. I would really love to get to know your story one day and how things were for you in zim and so on. I feel like it can sometimes help to understand what it is like when you have had to migrate countries. The differences we have to deal with and how it can affect us. Please do not feel obliged in any way. It is a little disappointing that the forum does not allow personal messages and so on.

You have been some great advice so far by quirky and geoff. They are both great posters on these forums. I am always going to be here for you. My brother is a lawyer and so I have a fairly decent understanding of what law school is like and so on, it is such a great profession to be in though. I am really proud to see that you have done so well with it, even with all that you go through. That in itself is a great achievement and you should take great pride in that.

A lot of what you have described in very similar to me. I took 7 years to finish uni. Switched courses, then took a year off, failed one year, just really struggled. Unfortunately I have not been able to land the great job I want, but I really want you to know that I am here for you.

Take care 😄

[BballJ]

Hi Blisstinia,

After reading your post on zimbos05 thread when I saw yours in the new section I had to comment and offer my support even though you already have some great members replying to you, which is great.

I am sorry about your situation, having family understand mental health is one of the toughest things. I know you do not feel they support you but at the same time, you just need to keep working on yourself and getting better. It is great you are doing all the right things and seeing counsellors and psychologists and keeping in contact with them is vital to coming out from under this. I understand the stigma that comes with depression too, I do not think I could tell many people I am or have suffered from it either.

To answer your question about if you relapse and don't know where to turn too, well you have found these forums now and as you can tell they are very supportive so turn here if you feel you cannot turn anywhere else, this is your thread now and we are always happy to talk.

Please remember you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are feeling.

My best for you,

Jay