Hi S_
My heart goes out to you with you having come to know such incredible heartache and pain.
What does a phoenix look like as it rises from the ashes of what was? A raging fiery creature of intensity, power and brilliance. Stronger than the version that preceded it. The rage can be a kind of proclamation, 'Know me. Face this part of me that I've now allowed to come to life'. Finally, the people pleaser in us takes a back seat and the drive can feel out of control.
I recall the days in my marriage where I put up with my husband's self serving nature to the point where it was depressing at times. While he was always faithful he was still often selfish. On very rare occasions, when I could no longer suppress how depressed and angry I'd become, this raging maniac in me would come to life, swearing, crying, declaring how intolerable things had become. After a vent, I'd feel ashamed of my behaviour until the day I realised this was a facet of me that stood up for me fearlessly and unapologetically. Nowadays, I consciously channel that part of me when need be. If I feel someone needs a wake up call, I channel the part of me that cuts to the chase and stops people's seriously depressing self serving ways. Thia part of me can be harsh, sassy, sarcastic and is more than happy to set boundaries and burn bridges. I love this incredibly powerful part of who I am.
How to keep the reigns on this part of our self, to stop it from becoming abusive? I believe there are many facets to us. The sage in me is what holds the reigns. While the intolerant cow may be hyped to go straight for the jugular, the sage typically dictates the best course of action. I imagine you have this sage in you. You may hear it as 'Don't dial that number. Calm down. Breathe' or perhaps 'Phone (insert friend's name) instead'.
When this intolerant aspect of myself finally fully came to life, it was fueled purely by rage and an empowering sense of excitement, before I began to work on mastering it. Btw, while the sage can be zen like and wise, on the odd occasion it will take the reigns off and say 'Go for your life' 😊
