Alone and feeling like a failure

[Jess_P]

I’m usually stronger than this. Or at least, better at pretending. I don’t have close friends. I have friends sure but I would never tell them when I’m struggling. I’m the strong one. If I don’t keep it together I’m afraid I will cry. If I cry I’m afraid I will never stop. I try so hard. But I’m just a person. I make mistakes, like anyone else. But if I’m not doing my absolute best and I fail, I feel like a deserve it. I don’t let anyone in because I’m afraid someone will see me deep down and be so disappointed. I haven’t had a boyfriend for over 10 years. Partly because I need to be ‘together’ all the time for my job. I can’t be weak. And if I have my heart broken again I’m afraid it will make me waver and fall. If I’m not good at my job I’m nothing. I feel like I have nothing or no one else. I work so hard to avoid pain and feel nothing. It’s an emotional isolation I’ve caused and perfected on my own. Now we’re all physically isolated I’m getting worse at pretending I’m ok. I hear my mothers voice. ‘No one wants to be around someone miserable. Cheer up’. I’m trying. But I can’t.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Jess P,

Wishing you a warm welcome to the forums. It takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest with your feelings, and we are so glad that you have reached out here tonight. We can hear how lonely and overwhelmed that you're feeling, but please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space and our community is here to support you through this difficult time.
If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.


 

[Worryzane]

Hey Jesse.

You sound like the worst judge of yourself. The way I look at it...you have a career, you have friends, that is cleary not a failure.

I too find it hard to tell anyone. So i cry silently. Hopefully talking about it in a forum helps.

[NotYetEffulgent]

Hi Jess,

Sorry to read that things have been so emotionally tough for you and that recent events have made it worse. I feel the same way about being the cause of my own isolation. I’ve been socially isolated for the last couple of years after a melt down in my life and simply being too poor to be consistent. Now with the lock-downs it's come back to haunt me.

It sounds like a lot of pressure you’re putting on yourself to hold up to an impossible standard you’ve set yourself. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to give your best. But I think there’s a difference between giving our best and trying to be the best. Asking for help, easing up and shedding some the armour shouldn’t be seen as not giving your best or as a failure.

As Worryzane rightly pointed out you've got things suggesting anything but failure.

Best wishes,
NYE

[therising]

Hi Jess P

A warm welcome to you and I just want to start by saying what your mother told you is not true. From my personal experience, the folk who want to be around someone who's down are the folk who deeply want to raise them. For a start, the world is filled with people who enter into the care industry, not because they want to witness the sufferance of others but because they want to make a positive difference.

I'd spent a number of years in my depression before finally coming out of it. I still remember all those 'handy' pieces of advice (not). Give you a bit of a list you might be able to relate to:

• Cheer up
• You have a lot to be grateful for
• Others have it a lot worse than you
• Why don't you just smile. You're bringing everyone down
• Just get on with things and you'll be right

It's a long list so I won't go on.

All these statements have one thing in common; none of them involve management plans. If you have a look, not a single one indicates strategically planning the way forward. No wonder we resent such statements. I think depression offers us a double whammy when not only can we not see the way forward but we can also come to believe the way forward may never come to exist for us. It's definitely depressing.

Personally, I discovered the way forward is through challenge. Yes, I know, doesn't seem terribly fair but it's typically how we evolve. Who we have on our side throughout the challenge and how they're helping us manage is key. Give you a brief example that springs to mind. About 16 years ago, between my 1st and 2nd child, I experienced 2 early stage miscarriages. It was a deeply depressing time during my already existing depression, as the pregnancies were planned and I intensely looked forward to having another child. Got 2 books from the library on miscarriage and started reading them. People around me advised 'It's time you moved on and stopped focusing on the miscarriages'. Yeah, thanks for leading me to feel like a dwelling failure. I ignored them and kept reading. Those books changed my perspective. They raised my consciousness when no one else could. This plan worked in helping me manage to move on.

I believe if someone's disappointed in what they find in you deep down then it's probably because they've appointed you to a role that they're comfortable with. It's important you challenge their perspective.

I believe depression's a time of great questioning, where we're forced to challenge all beliefs, one question at a time.

🙂

[Jess_P]

Thanks therising.
You’re right I need a plan. I guess I’m just afraid. Afraid whatever plan I come up with won’t work. Like seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist. Which I have tried in the past, but because I’m not very well practiced at talking about my feelings I find it hard to get any benefit out of it. I try to talk. But I just find it so hard to find the words. I don’t really see how talking to someone helps anyway. I guess I’m stubborn. And in the non iso world, it’s easier to find distractions, which mean I don’t have to have these feelings of dwelling on my own problems. I even feel unworthy of my unhappiness because I have so much to be grateful for. I am always torn. Is distracting myself with what feel like band aid fixes (mindfulness, exercise, etc) going to help long term? I feel like they give me enough of a distraction but I don’t really deal with anything. Like others in this forum have said, I feel like I’m just existing, not living. Just moving from one distraction to the next. Maybe that’s just life.

[smallwolf]

Hi Jess.

Hope you dont mind if I tell you a little about myself - a while ago my psychologist looked at cognitive distortions and I had to see myself in each and whether they applied to me. Well they all did - absolute thinking, future telling, labelling, etc. Perfectionism was high on my list as well and unless it was done to a very high standard it was not good enough and could walk down that path of failure very easily. I am getting better at allowing myself to make mistakes and that doing my best is OK, that a mistake is something to learn from.

Secondly my mental health took a beating slowly... by way of analogy - bit by bit over the years the shield would get a little more damaged. The shield would get repaired but never 100%. A couple of years some things were said and that was the hit to the shield went straight through and started getting help.

I guess what I am trying to say is that my thoughts and behaviors were a result of my experiences. Perhaps the same for you and your thoughts are normal. Like you compared to others I should be grateful for what I have yet I can feel useless, a failure. It does not matter how we got to that point where we question our value or life. You are just as important as anyone else, deserving of support and help, and of what you want in life.

Final comment about the band aid fixes - what works for someone might not work for another. Some things my psychologist wanted me to do did not work. So we would try something else.Its OK for some things not to work.

What would living look like for you?

Listening to you,

Tim

[Rumples]

Hi Jess P :0) (BIG hug)

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, it sounds like it's a really overwhelming and difficult time for you right now. But please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space, and I, along with our wonderful community are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. You're not alone sweety.

"I don’t have close friends. I have friends sure but I would never tell them when I’m struggling".

You don't have close friends by choice Jess? or as a result of your career? We all need that comforting shoulder to cry on from time to time. Life can be very difficult with that release that we ALL need to have. Bottling it up inside will only poison you and make things worse.

"I’m afraid I will cry. If I cry I’m afraid I will never stop".

We all need to cry Jess, ALL of us. I think if you found that shoulder to cry on and just let it all out, you'd feel so much better. Sweety, you need to let out what ever's making you sad. You can't keep it in forever, it's not healthy for you. I really do feel your pain.

"I haven’t had a boyfriend for over 10 years".

The first thing you need to ask yourself is "do I want another boyfriend?" It sounds like you do, and I for one think it would be a wonderful thing for in your current situation. Company, love and most of all, someone to lean on and a shoulder to cry on. Is there maybe someone in your life that you'd like to engage with on a personal level. It sounds as though you've been hurt before in a relationship. They all don't end the same Jess. There's someone out there for all of us. Truly there is.

"Now we’re all physically isolated I’m getting worse at pretending I’m ok"

You need to reach out and talk to someone. Take Sophie's advice please Jess and call our our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) and speak to any one of our beautiful counsellors on the other end. You'll feel so much better, I promise. Please, make that call.

I'm always here for you. Just message me and I'll ALWAYS reply. I would love to have a nice long chat with you.

Your friend - Rumples (BIG hug) xxx