All too Much

[Bluett]

Hi, So don't even know where to start really other than it's just all got too much. I used to be able to control all this but the last 6 months have really just taken their toll. It's too much all at once. There is just so much and my brain body and soul is not coping. I just want to feel better to feel normal again, happy, myself but I just cant find my way back. I feel like i am getting sucked in deeper. I have been to my doctor and waiting on a therapist, i talk to my family but nothing changes I am just treated differently like i am going to shatter in front of them, i don't want pity I want some help, some understanding to not feel like i am a burden or weak or pathetic, yes pathetic thats how i feel, i feel like a shit parent, wife, employee and human. The hate i have for myself is relentless and so so loud. I am not me and so want to be again.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Bluett
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Bluett, we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post and will be reaching out to you privately to offer you some additional support this evening.
 
It sounds like things have gotten out of control over recent months and that it's really starting to impact on your health and wellbeing.  It takes so much courage to acknowledge that it's taking it's toll so please give yourself the credit you deserve.

We are glad that you continue to speak with your family and that you are engaged with your GP, it's important to keep doing this, even though it feels like you aren't getting anywhere, you really do matter to them and it's no weakness having to live everyday feeling the way that you are, please remember that.

If it feels easier to reach out elsewhere, we would love for you to give one of our fully trained counsellors a call for some counselling support Bluett, we are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.  In addition, our lovely friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always there for you whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

Thank you again for reaching out, we will leave you in the hands of our lovely community members who will be here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M
 

[Petal22]

Hi Bluett,

Wellcome to our forums.

Im really sorry you are feeling this way I understand that what you are experiencing is really hard to endure.

I think it’s great that you have seen your gp and waiting on a therapist.

It’s great that you are speaking to your family please keep doing this….. talking really does help, even if they don’t quite know what to say back sometimes just having them there for support and understanding is all we really need.

Are they able to show you understanding?

Im sorry that you are feeling hate for yourself and that it’s very loud and unrelenting.

Can I ask you if these are the intrusive thoughts talking?

I learned that these thoughts can accompany anxiety and depression, I understand that they can be distressing at times.

Your last sentence really resonates with me… “ I am not me and I so want to be me again “.

I also used to feel this way…….. I went through a mental health condition and I also felt like this… everything inside me felt so foreign I just didn’t feel like me. I desperately wanted the old me back the one before my mental health condition took hold.

But my mental health condition grew me into a more stronger, wiser version of me……I grew so much that I outgrew the old me…. The old me wouldn’t have been able to endure what the new version of me did.

You will grow through what you are going through.

I have now recovered and I want you to know what you are going through now won’t be for nothing.

You are STRONG and you are BRAVE and you are going to come out of this as a new version of you.

It will be a journey but one well worth it.

Hold onto HOPE because RECOVERY is very very possible.

Stick with your health professionals and keep talking.

Please feel free to come back to us.

[geoff]

Hello Bluett, with feeling like this we need to understand that with pity comes help, that's how people begin to form any assoction with you, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you're weak, because physical weakness can be totally different than a mental deficiency, however at times, one can lead onto the other creating self pity, but you need to remind yourself that this can happen suddenly and not your fault.

For people to be themselves once again may require you to break the same routine you do everyday, because doing this will only bring back the same problems you are still working on to overcome.

A depressed person always seem to hate themselves, because they don't achieve what they were once capable of doing and unable to take that one step forward to better themselves, this is how a MI can control you.

On this site we know what you are talking about and pity comes only because we have been through this ourselves, in one form or another and realise the struggle you're trying to cope with.

My best.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[therising]

Hi Bluett

What you're facing is absolutely horrible and my heart goes out to you while you try to make sense of it all in an effort to return to a state of much deserved peace and relief.

While I agree with Geoff when it comes to compassion from others being great in the way of support, I can relate to what you mention in regard to it not being enough to make all the difference. And while people feeling sorry for us can tell us we are loved, being loved in a whole new way above and beyond depression becomes the ultimate challenge. If someone is positively evolving us, they are positively loving us. If we are evolving our own self, through our efforts and new ways, we are loving our self back to life. Sounds strange but you can be loving yourself and not even know it. In coming here, you are evolving/loving yourself in a new way. Can remember the first time I noticed the first 4 letters in evolution.

What came to mind for me one day was 'What part of you are you feeling sorrow for?'. Can remember thinking at the time 'Is that what they mean when it comes to feeling sorry for yourself? You're feeling sorrow for yourself'. Was actually a relief, for not only did I give myself permission to feel sorrow for myself, this led me to explore the grief factor in depression. 'What part of my lost sense of self am I grieving over?'. Is it the part that's able to feel joy, the part that feels the excitement of adventure, the part that's carefree or the part that was always able to feel a deeper connection to life?

I strongly relate to something Petal22 touches on. With depression, you don't return to the old you. You move forward into becoming someone very different. While depression can force us to let go of many things, it also dictates new life skills be developed. With depression, we are forced into evolving our self. We are forced into finding ways to love our self, like never before.

You mention brain, body and soul. Wondering if you've ever looked into a soulful take on depression, known as 'The dark night of the soul'. As a mind/body/spirit gal, I've found with depression there can be 3 very different points of view.