a very shallow depression

[Craig87]

Hi,

I just wanted to put my thoughts out there. I'm a 29 year old Male. I've been dealing with depression since my early teens. I guess it started when I first realized that I wasn't attractive.. I was/am just an average looking guy.. nothing special. I just have never really figured out how to deal with this. I find now that it's gotten to the point where I stay inside as often as possible to avoid seeing happy couples, or even just women in general because if I see a girl I find attractive while I'm out.. my mind instantly goes straight in to the whole "why even bother looking, she would never be interested in you.. no one ever will" mode and then that's me done for the day. I'll spend the whole day hating myself and wishing I was someone else.. I don't even fantasize with my self included anymore because it just seems so unbelievable that any girl would find me attractive anymore. I tried tinder and various online dating sites which were ok when I started back in my early 20s. Not many people used them as they do now so the people on there tended to be more serious about it. but now.. I think those kind of sites just don't work for average guys anymore.. now that EVERYONE is on them there's just way more "better" options for women now, so there's no need to settle with someone like me anymore. On top of all this I just feel guilty that my depression is because of such a stupid shallow reason. I want to be happy with myself.. but I don't ever see that happening. I feel resentment towards couples.. not them directly. but the fact that they have what I don't and wont. I know some people live quite happily alone for their lives, I am just struggling a little to accept that as my possible fate. Sorry for the ramble

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Craig87,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for joining us.

The title of your post says that its a 'shallow depression' but I don't get it because nothing about depression is 'shallow'. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter what the cause is - the fact is, you feel what you feel and what you feel matters.

It's always difficult when people feel unattractive because in reality what is 'attractive'? What is 'good enough'? Why are you all of a sudden 'unworthy'? We have so many thoughts per day but we give power and attach on to some of them, even if they aren't true or hold no weight. If we tell ourselves the same old story we start to believe it, even though it's not necessarily true.

I saw a therapist once who said "what would spock say?" and I really challenge you to try this method. Next time you're having these thoughts, ask yourself - where is the logic? Where are the facts? Why should I believe this?

You also might find it helpful to read these -

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/young-people/too-ugly-to-be-loved

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/feel-unattractive-because-i'm-short

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/young-people/20-year-old-virgin-male-i-resent-sex-and-how-happy-it-makes-people-i-just-want-to-be-happy-

[Craig87]

Hi Romantic, thanks for your response. I was referred to a psychologist by my GP when I first told him about my issues. I explained to the psych why I was feeling the way I was and was essentially told to "get over it".. whilst that is good advice.. I was hoping for a little more than that. Growing up my family never really "Talked about our feelings" and that has carried on with me.. I can talk about stuff online like this, but in person... on the phone.. forget it.. I just cant bring myself to talk about my feelings.. I bottle it all up and stew on it.. I have almost separated myself into two different people. around my friends and work colleagues i'm always happy, cracking jokes.. my friends love me! when i'm alone.. that person disappears and is replaced by a self hating lunatic.. on the odd occasions I can bring myself to look in a mirror I sit there and think.. why??.. why do you even bother? who would ever want you.. Sometimes I get motivated to try and change myself.. im not overweight.. tall with just a little belly (thanks beer). I get motivated to work out.. then all it takes is a mood change and im like. Why bother? nothing will help. then its back to the lounge and Netflix all weekend. I just cant get myself out of this mind set..every time I try something just drags me back there kicking and screaming. I have used a lot of sick leave due to waking up and not having the emotional energy to move. I just cant take it anymore. this dominates my thoughts for atleast 80% of the day.. im just sick.. sick of feeling worthless.. sick of being attracted to people.. sick of rejection.. sick of feeling like I have no chance against every other male in the world.. sick of the constant " oh you'll find someone" " theres always someone for everyone" "just be confident! even if your not pretend to be!". I always justify my feelings to myself saying "oh once you get a girlfriend you wont feel like this anymore and you will be happy".. but deep down I also know this is not true.. even then I will probably still feel like this and not think im good enough... I know some people do go through life.. never marry.. never have serious relationships.. like being alone etc... but in my heart this isn't me.. I need love.. I need companionship. but I don't know how to get it and I don't know how to feel like I deserve it.

[Craig87]

Oh an thanks for the links I will check them out 🙂

[topsy_]

I understand the mirror thing Craig87. I don't even have any in the house!

Perhaps it might help to return to your GP or try another one. Definitely see a different psychologist. That advice was at least very unhelpful & at worst just plain wrong.

Wishing you well, Lyn.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Craig87,

Thanks for posting back.

Lyn (yellownanna) is absolutely right. I'm actually super disappointed that the psychologist said that. The problem with psychologists who say that is that they let down everyone else. Nobody should tell anybody to "get over it". If it were only that simple! But I do understand though how that would defer you from wanting to speak to somebody else. Would that be something you would be open to in the future?

I'm just wondering if maybe there's a trigger for these moments when you feel this way? Or do you feel this way constantly? I can imagine that it must be hard putting on a face pretending that it's okay, but it's also kind of exhausting because you know in your heart that you're not okay.

One of the things about therapy which can be helpful is trying to challenge your mindset and help you to see that your thoughts are only thoughts. Often in people with depression (and myself too) our thoughts have become facts to us. Certainly there are other ways to challenge our thoughts without a therapist, but it's not as easy. Books and online courses might be one idea.

Maybe in the meantime, you could try asking yourself "why?". So when you look in the mirror and say "why do you even bother, no one would want you" - I'm assuming maybe that would make you feel sad but then you would continue with your day. What if instead you asked yourself "why? Why should I believe this voice in my head?"

Also are there things that help making these thoughts and feelings better or worse? Are there ever times that you don't find yourself consumed by it? If you can try and track these moments - that way you can learn the triggers and invest more time and energy into things that make you feel good. My guess is that when you're working out it's not feeling good either. When I used to work out I would "go hard or go home" and then I wouldn't work out again for ages. Is that the same for you? If it is, maybe you could try just going for a walk everyday - 5/10 minutes. Doesn't matter how long it is. Could be 1 minute, but just go - and go everyday. This was one of the hardest techniques for me and it's helped.

Oh, and finally until you believe it - you are worthy and loveable. I personally think that it's not a goal that we someday reach but we were just born that way. Just because people like being alone or even those that don't doesn't mean they aren't capable of love and relationships.