35 years of depression loss and trauma

[Anna4]

Life can change in an instant !

I am 52, I recently survived a serious attempt on my life and ended up in ICU. Where do I start, my journey seems to not end….

A head injury at 15, a parent hit by a car survived with an acquired brain injury then strokes. I lost a boyfriend in a car accident at 18, divorced with a 1 year old daughter at 24, remarried, had an amazing life with beautiful property a house and blessed with a son, then widowed at 39, my husband died of cancer. A few failed relationships later, doing all the comprising, getting love bombed and being taken advantage of, I have respect for myself but looked at as the problem when wanting more. Pay my own way always and an independent women.

Family issues, mental health, anxiety, trauma and PTSD. Living with chronic pain. Worked through it all and raised two amazing children, who I am so proud of. 

I am seriously considering ending my life .

[Croix]

Dear Anna4~

Welcome to the forum. Life has handed you a very hard time and frankly I admire your ability to cope with it all and raise two wonderful children.

52 is not the tail-end of life, I remarried to another around that age after my first partner passed away, and have been exceedingly lucky - it lasts.

Managing everything you have been confronted with , including that attempt (and I know exactly what that is like) has given you strenght and experience. Having tried some relationships where you were the giver in all things will have shown you that is not the  right approach.

Paying you own way and being an independent woman can be a source of pride, it can also be a tool to prevent you rushing in and being 'love bombed' again. When I looked for a second partner I went slowly, emails at first, and looked in thier lives for acts of kindness. not something boasted about but consistently there.

Neither of us have a crystal ball and do not know what the future holds. It may be much better than you think at the moment. The fact I've been there before is a comfort when I have felt overwhelmed and wanted to take my life.

By all means see if a councilor or psych might help, you might also like to talk with people who have had similar experiences to you, I'd suggest the Roses in the Ocean national Warmline (1800 777 337). This is NOT a crisis line, just a place to chat and see what others have done

You are always welcome here

Croix

[Anna4]

Hey Croix,

Thank you for giving me an insight into your journey, I appreciate it. 

I have been through a lot of therapy, I am medicated, I have a social worker, psychiatrist see my GP at least once a a month and visit a safe haven on times of real crisis. I recently admitted myself into a beautiful facility but it is just a bandaid. 
 

I work in child safety and deal with suicide ideation and self harm. I just had three months off on medical leave with only a friend, my children and an aunty who know of my situation. My parents and siblings who live very close by do not know anything.

I am very tired, feel sick inside, every minute of the day, paying off a mortgage, maintaining the house, not wanting to socialise or to go out in public and shift work is getting harder.

My last relationship was beautiful, we fell in love, unfortunately he was very busy with work, managing young teenage daughters and an alcoholic ex made it very hard, my mental health declined. He told me I was a beautiful soul and never felt this way about anyone, a year later it was over, he had his own stuff going on.

Thank you for reading my story.

Good to hear you are doing well.

[Croix]

Dear Anna4~

This is not going to b a very comfortable view however I have a feeling you occupation is draining you to the extent your coping skills are far too low.

Working in an environment that is basically toxic, surrounded by children and adults for whom there are no easy answers and not being able to assist as you would wish is a terrible way to be.

I was a policeman and so understand the situations with which you are faced. My occupation had the worst of effects on me until I was no longer able to function and invalided out, with PTSD, depression, anxiety and suicidal.

I don't think if I'd stayed (not that I had any choice) I doubt counseling, therapy or all the rest would have been anything like as effective if I'd remained in the job and was being emotionally poisoned every day. They too would have been band-aids.

Trying ot make a success of a blended family, particularly when it is not a case of the partner passing away but still there and exercising influence, is extremely hard and very often is impossible.

It is not a question of fault, or even lack of love, just that the circumstances are too much.

You are an intelligent, sensitive and caring person wiht much to offer (and receive) from the right person. I'm no one special but if I can be blessed perhaps in the future you can be too.

Croix