3 Months Post-Partum

Bella051105 · ‎11-08-2023

Hi All,

I'm 3 months post partum with my second child and I feel like im okay handling the kids but I lack support from my partner at times. I feel like i have such a mental list like ironing his clothes cooking and washing up on top of the kids work. I dont work at the moment but because of that I also feel guilty for not doing anything so i compensate with housework. My partner says that hes tired and dismisses anything i do at home so I honestly feel like a maid if I stop doing it, the mess overstimulates me and makes me more irritated. When im sick im still expected to do all of this but its not the same for my partner i need to tend to him. But no one looks after me and my pregnancy was the same, he basically said he was working and didnt have time for foot massages or to tend to my requests. I just feel like im being stretched out so thin. When i explain this to him he just dismisses it says sorry and does it all over agin the next day and says he forgot like at this point i dont think it will ever change. Ive got two beautiful kids relying on me but i feel like im maeried to a narcissist. I havent gone to a single event for myself for 4 years while he has opportunities to go out with his cousins but when i get invited to something the anxiety kills ms and I dont end up going or I worry about the kids. The moment i get excited about something i convince myself not to go. Sometime i just want to pack my things and leave.the kids are the only thing thats stopping me.

white knight · ‎14-08-2023

Hi, welcome

I'm happy you posted, catering for these issues on your own isnt easy.

There is a big difference between lazy, over reliant, inconsiderate and narcissism. So I think sometimes a partner can take the other for granted and switch to auto cruise and never think about you in terms of your "duties". So I have a couple of things to say about this that might make a difference.

Short, sharp, quiet comments work better than falling into a whining tone of voice. Eg You ask for a foot massage and he says "I've been working all day" your reply - "and if my leg was broken, would you be too tried then"? Another- "Can you hang the washing out while I change nappies". he says "I'm too tired". You reply "So am I so choose- nappies or washing". (giving him a choice is better than getting angry.
Stop doing things like his ironing!! I joined the defence at 17yo and learned to do my own and have been for the last 50 years since. No partner has ever done my ironing. I wear it, I iron it.
Review the meaning of home maker. It isnt called "slave". He may well work 38 hours a week but many people work. You likely work many more than 38 hours.
Offer to swap. Ask him to consider that you find a job and he is a stay at home dad. He'll likely baulk at that idea.
After all of the above is suggested hopefully at a sit down meeting with zero distractions, if you are not happy then you can suggest a marriage counsellor. If he refuses, still attend one but dont let on what is being discussed there. If he is concerned then he will attend.
Finally you might need to not suggest- tell him you are making plans to leave. That could be the jolt he needs.

I tolerated my 1st wife's laziness for 11 years. 2 kids. Even 72 hours a week 3 jobs I changed more nappies than she and in desperation I ordered a house call by our Dr. At 2pm on a Saturday he arrived and ask what the problem was- "look Dr, she just woke up, still in her pyjamas. I've been up since 6am, tending to the kids on my one day off a week. He did test and found nothing wrong. The whole family was just lazy and didnt mind their partners doing all the work.

TonyWK

Bella051105 · ‎15-08-2023

Hi Tony,

Thank you for the reply... I think you're right giving him the option does tend to help and perhaps speaking out about what I want rather than keeping it a mental list would help.