27, still stuck with controlling parents, and an addiction to luxury services

[asianaussie]

I'm 27 in 3 weeks. I'm still living in my parent's home with parents who continue to control how I manage my money, won't let me drive on my own, not even pay for a home/apartment. When I try to do chores (such as washing clothes or fixing a light bulb), they criticise how I do it and take over. When I was with my father at Coles, and I tried to pay, he butted in and gave the cashier his card. She looked at me as if I was spoiled. My mother is excessive to the point she has given away my clothes, belongings and changed furniture. She's looked through my wallet and once confiscated my card, because 'I spend way too much'. She's criticised my 'sexy dress style' and told me to 'lose some weight', hence why she's given

them away. They've recently become concerned that I'm still single and unmarried, and are pressuring me to 'give them grandchildren before they die'.

While they pay for my taxes, fees, and support me financially, they don't care about me emotionally. When I've felt down and upset, they would mock and dismiss my problems, telling me to just get over it'. They laughed at me when having dark thoughts, saying it's nothing compared to 'them escaping war and having family members pass away from war.'

On the surface, people look down on me, thinking I'm spoiled and entitled. But the truth is, I've felt so trapped, misunderstood, embarrassed, and repressed. Ironically, it's come to a point where I've splurged in luxury and self-care (aka, makeup, body treatments, and Chanel). I love glamming up and hitting the bars/clubs and socialising with people. Nothing is more thrilling than people telling me I look 'hot' and having guys and girls flirt with me. (My family doesn't know I'm bisexual, and they're anti-LGBT).

I've always felt so insecure about my actual life, my working-class background, my controlling parents, and loathe my body image. I'm embarrassed about my excessive spending and budgeting struggles. I feel so embarrassed that while my friends are getting married and becoming parents, I'm the one still being parented. I'm still the one who has to be followed around, check on, and have barely a say in my own financial and other decisions. Just because they paid for my school, taxes and fled war does not mean that they care about me. All I just want is to be truly loved, and trusted. Hugs and kisses mean far more to me, than a house they will give to me after they pass. I'm just too conflicted right now. Much appreciated.

[ABC01]

Dear asianaussie,

I can hear you frustration and how much your situation is impacting your mental health. It must be so hard.

It sounds like you have issues with your controlling parents that may have a lot of layers like their past and how they may have been raised and think children should be raised. They may have a very practical approach that can come off as unemotional. And they may not be flexible in the way the current world is. Also the fact that you are an adult now.

Whilst I am not in your experience, I have had another experience. One of my parents was born overseas and moved here when they were younger. But they had already been raised in another country and those values and beliefs still are present even though they are now in another country and living the life here. Unfortunately, later on in my life, I keep clashing with their way of living as it is very unflexible and feels like everything I do or did was being criticized. If I would try to explain my point of view, I was told it was simply wrong. Which meant I was wrong. It made me feel trapped and like I couldn't go to them for advice or even ask a simple question. It also made me feel like I couldn't do anything right.

Have you or could you possibly connect with a psychologist? The only reason I say this, is they may be able to help with what you are currently feeling now and if you want to make choices to get out of your situation, they may be able to help with goals regarding those steps. You can't change another person's thoughts, actions or feelings. But you don't have to be forced into not having a voice or doing anything you don't want to. You have a right to these choices as an adult. However you will have to weigh up what you can and can't do without. And that your parents might not ever change. So it is up to you to.

Please reply back if you do want to talk.

I wish you the best,

ABC01

[therising]

Hi asianaussie

Personally, I never gave much thought to the idea of what it means 'to be raised' until my late 40s. In thinking about the questions 'Who raised you? How were you raised? What environment were you raised in?' and so on, our mind tends to skip straight to our parents. In reality, the whole of our life (no matter our age) we're either being raised, being brought down or vibing somewhere in between the two. It's not just our parents but everyone around us who holds the potential to raise us in a variety of ways, bring us down in a variety of ways or make no difference to us in a variety of ways. Then there's raising our self, bringing our self down and making no difference to our self or leaving our self to vibe somewhere in between the highs and lows.

It sounds like you want to start raising yourself in a whole variety of ways. I have to say, this 'raising' business definitely comes with a lot of challenges. I've found it can be such a mixed emotion experience. For example, we could say 'I want to raise myself to become more conscious of how my parents interact with me, so that their interactions don't continue bringing me down'. So, we start to become more conscious. We might think about all the things they've said or done that felt depressing and as the list of things add up it might start to feel heartbreaking. Beyond heartbreak and sadness there can be revelations that lead us to a greater state of awareness or consciousness. So, you gotta keep going beyond the heartbreak, so as to find those liberating revelations which could be

• They lack the ability or have lost the ability to open their mind to new ideas
• They are not able or have lost the ability to feel for others in deeper ways
• They were never led to develop abilities or perhaps have lost abilities when it comes to a sense of wonder, a sense of possibility, a sense of imagination, a sense of adventure etc. They are cut off from certain senses, which may help explain their lack of sensitivity (ability to sense)

The revelation could be 'While my parents have many abilities and life skills, some which they've managed to teach me, there are some skills or abilities they lack which I really need them to have'. Another revelation could be 'While I imagine my parents began life with many abilities as little kids, such as the ability to open their mind, the ability to feel for others, the ability to wonder, consider possibility, exercise imagination and sense of adventure, were those things conditioned out of them in one way or another? Am I experiencing and feeling the side effects of their conditioning?'. If our parents are unable to raise us or not willing to raise us in the ways we need, the question then becomes 'Who can raise me in the ways I need at this point in my life?'. An extended family member? A psychologist? A life coach or personal trainer? People with similar experiences to me, who a little further along their path in life? A financial planner? The list of possibilities can seem endless. Sometimes the next step in raising our self, our level of consciousness and our spirits can involve finding the kind of guides we need, to help us with that.

[asianaussie]

Hi ABC01,

Thank you for your reply and sharing your experience, I appreciate your support and am grateful. I'm sorry to hear that you and your parent had difficulties. This is a common issue with many Australian-born children with overseas-born parents.

I plan to book with a psychologist, and seek help for this, particularly with this issue, and spending issues.  I'm sure my parents won't ever change, and it's heartbreaking. But at this stage, I want to be more independent, and am capable of doing things on my own, even if I make mistakes.

[asianaussie]

Thank you therising, for your reply and support, I truly appreciate the thoughts you've shared here.

While self-love is important, I need external support too, to remind me of all the things I'm capable of. I've turned to meditating and practicing spirituality (spirit guides, prayer and reseraching New Age). 

I'm booking with a psychologist soon, who I haven't seen in a while due to financial and personal issues. Hopefully something can come out of this.

[ABC01]

Dear aussieasian,

Good on you for making steps forward for yourself.

 You are capable of doing things on your own. Mistakes made are lessons learned and help you grow in small ways. And everyone makes them young or old.

I am sending you positivity and encouragement.

ABC01

[therising]

Hi asianaussie

I love researching the spiritual or natural side of life. It can be full of some fascinating and really helpful stuff. Personally, I just couldn't survive without some of that stuff. While I've been made fun of for my love of what's woo woo, I simply like to imagine that's how life works in certain ways. Doesn't hurt to imagine at times. As someone once said 'Your imagination is the most powerful thing you have. Use it wisely'. I'm a self proclaimed 'Woo woo gal' and proud of it. 😊

The mind/body/spirit aspect is a fascinating one. Take 'love' for example. Mentally, love is what we believe it to be, so we feel it through our beliefs. Physically, it's about stuff like oxytocin, dopamine etc, so we feel it through our chemistry. Naturally or soulfully, it can be about something altogether different. You could say love is a collection of elements.

[Guest_02697845]

I am in the same boat. Miserable yet have to be grateful for having no self worth or value. Constantly reminded how I can’t do anything and to get someone else to do it. No life skills, money skills, survival techniques, no emotional support. You’re just being silly they would say. Now if I open up and express myself I’m lucky to even get a reply. It just gets washed under the rug. Punished for when I don’t play along with happy families. No support when I’ve tried to make it on my own. It’s like they want me to fail and reward me when I do but let’s not talk about it or nothing. Get out if you can. Own your life.