26.Depressed.Overweight.mother.seperated?

[MotherofDragons]

I’m just an absolute mess. Watching my two beautiful kids sleeping. Crying my eyes out because my husband told me for the second time in as many months that he is thinking about separating and is unhappy in our marriage because I am overweight. ive always had weight gain issues - not going to make any excuse for it. After two kids I’ve gained a total of 26kgs (leaving me at 96kgs). i put everyone in our family before myself to ensure their happiness. And when I get a second to myself I just want to rest. I seriously just want to not have to think, just relax and have something to eat.

Ive been battling with depression (and anxiety) since 2008 and have been medicated since.

I don’t want to seperate. I love my husband so much. I love our family. I am frightened. And so hurt. So so hurt by what he has said about me, to me.

How can you say that to your wife?

and now I have thoughts that maybe I should leave him because of how hurtful his words have been.

Hes acting like this doesn’t effect him at all. But he’s talking like he’s already preparing for a separation.

Theres no support. There’s no checking on me to see if I’m ok. No word on how we’re going - if things are looking up or getting worse. Nothing. Just his life continues as normal. And I am absolutely shattered.

I hate feeling this depressed. Please someone say something that is going to make it better. Please

[therising]

Hi MotherofDragons and welcome!

I can relate to where you're coming from. With me having hovered around 90kgs for the past several years (minus a handful of months), I've had my husband say to me couple of times 'I've been meaning to talk to you about your weight...' This comment, of course, is met with a glare which equates to 'Don't go there if you value your life!' I believe he loves me and is more concerned about my health than anything else (he's just not always great at phrasing things).

My question to you is 'Is the weight factor solely image related or are there other factors involved such as health, intimacy, self-esteem issues etc?' Is your relationship being impacted by these sorts of issues? By the way, a few years ago I lost about 17kgs and then stacked it all back on in a number of months. Whilst the weight was coming off, I felt healthier, happier, fitter, more connected to my husband. My self-esteem was higher than it had been in years. I look back and see a a whole different me and a whole different relationship (a relationship my husband misses).

At the end of the day, health (not appearance) should be our #1 concern. I believe health should cover all 3 aspects of self - mind/body/spirit. By the way, 'The 4 chemicals for happiness' are worth researching, when it comes to finding overall balance:

• Dopamine, aka the 'reward chemical', is stimulated when we feel a pay off of some type. Dopamine levels are known to increase through exercise
• Oxytocin, aka the 'love/bonding chemical', is typically at higher levels when we have a baby, enter into a new relationship etc. Stimulating oxytocin can lead to greater self-love
• Serotonin, aka 'the happiness chemical', is an interesting one, for a majority of serotonin is found in the gut. Much research is currently being done on diet and depression
• Endorphins - In addition to decreased feelings of pain, release of endorphins leads to feelings of euphoria, modulation of appetite, release of sex hormones and enhancement of the immune response. With high endorphin levels, we feel less pain and fewer negative effects of stress

The answer to 'Why is it so hard to become mentally, physically and spiritually healthy?' may start with the right question: 'How can I naturally raise these chemicals/hormones, esp in depression?'

The relationship we have with our self is the most important one of all. When we focus on that, everything around us changes.

I send love your way as I set out to take may own advice

[Doolhof]

Dear MotherofDragons,

I welcome you to the community here. I am so very sorry to read of the words you have been told by your husband.

Is it possible for you to go and see your Dr and have a chat to them? Would you consider some counselling to help sort out how you are feeling?

I can imagine that right now one negative thought is feeding off another and your mind is telling you all kinds of horrible stories.

Emotional eating can be a habit that requires some help to overcome. Do you want to loose some weight, for yourself, not because your husband thinks you need to?

Is it possible for your husband to look after the children so you can go for a walk or to the gym perhaps?

It sounds like you really love your children so that is a huge positive in your life. Can you be more active around the children?

Relationships Australia may be able to help you make sense of what is happening in your relationship.

Words can be cruel. Maybe you can find some kind words to say to yourself each day to help build up yourt self esteem and sense of self.

Maybe it is the moment to take a little more time for yourself and do more of what makes you happy and feel self content. It does not mean you are ignoring your family, but you will be looking after yourself and ultimately your family.

Wishing you well, from Dools

[Happygoluckymiss]

Hi mother of dragons

the rising & Mrs dools have offered wonderful tips & suggestions and I agree with them completely.

I am so sorry that your husband has spoken to you in this way & pinpointed your weight as the factor for wanting to separate. I am truly sorry. What I hear from your post is that you’re a caring wife & mother who is absolutely putting the needs of her babies & husband before her own. This is love & selflessness in its purest form. You are strong & loving - both qualities that are admired by myself as a female.

I am not a professional but I am a woman who has battled weight, a marriage breakdown, most recently anxiety, PTSD & situational depression. I am not medicated, but I am seeing a doc & psychologist to help me.

I will speak to my weight: I made a decision on 2016 to lose weight as this was one extra thing is my life that I was finding hard to control. I went to the doctor & I ended up undergoing a gastric bypass procedure. My weight was out of control as was my life during this time. The procedure was tough & relearning to eat was also tough. It is a tool for weight management & not a be all & end all fix. I have lost 60 kilos and I am essentially half the weight I was. The biggest learn from this is that my weight and what number on the scales did not impact all the other issues in my life. The weight loss was not a fix to everything that was going on in my life. It was a solution to one problem in my life. I do not regret it at all. It has allowed me to have confidence once again & obtain control over my weight. This being under control then allowed me to start working on other areas of my life.

I am no way suggesting this is the path for you & I am not even suggesting that you need to do anything. You seem kind & loving. Pretty perfect to me. This is just my story.

Much love & kindness.

-happygoluckymiss

[White_Rose]

Dear MotherofDragons

First let me welcome you to the forum. It takes courage to write in here and talk about your difficulties. That alone is worth heaps of applause.

I am so very sorry to read about your husband's comments. It must have hurt a great deal. I wonder if your husband was trying to get you to lose weight by making these comments. Not by any means the best or most appropriate way. My husband used to offer to buy me a bikini if I lost weight. He had no idea how I saw this comment but I'm certain you can understand how shocked I was. I felt he was ashamed of me and was trying to make a mafia offer. A mafia offer is one you cannot refuse, or almost too good to be true. It certainly did not come across that way.

I cannot claim it was having children that caused the weight problem as I have photos of me after my last child was born and I am pretty OK. For me it was unhappiness and I was comfort eating. My choice of food was slices of bread and butter. It's still my favourite food although I cannot eat it anymore. I had the same surgery as Happygoluckymiss about eight months ago. Fantastically successful but I left my husband 19 years ago and took my poor eating habits with me.

My reason for losing weight was the effect it was having on my body. Now I feel much better but still struggling a bit with eating. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Like Happygoluckymiss I am not suggesting you do this. You may find it difficult to cope with young children.

I agree with Happygoluckymiss about the reason for weight loss. If you are only interested in appearance I think you would have done this some time ago. Instead you are spending all your energy on caring for your family leaving you with nothing except to flop down with a coffee and cake. I know I ended up with type II diabetes, arthritis and painful joints. In the end I realised the only way out was to lose weight and these other conditions have gone. It was a hard lesson to learn.

Sorry to go about myself which may not help you. There are different ways to get help. Joining a Weight Watchers groups may help. You will have the encouragement of the other members and can laugh together over mistakes. My daughter chose this and was very happy.

I know you wanted something to make everything turn out right and I am almost out of word allowance. Can you tell us how you feel about our replies? It would help us to be more supportive if the current posts do not help. I know I want to say more.

Mary