16 year history still battling

[Stephen123]

Hi, I feel like i really need some support and advice. I have been hospitalised 4 times over 16 year period. I have been to numerous doctors and psychiatrists. My gp is brilliant but over the years I,ve had numerous diagnoses. Major depression, anxiety, chronic PTSD, scizo affective disorder, schizophrenia. Anyway whatever it is I have it has caused me to be medically retired from an 18 year career and sacked from 2 jobs in the last 2 years. The thing is I am feeling the most balanced I have ever felt, my meds are good, my psychiatrist and gp are brilliant. I have just enjoyed a 6 month semester at tafe where the environment was incredibly positive and confidence building. I intend to go back next year and fully retrain but for now I find myself with nothing to do over the holiday break. I mean there is plenty to do around the house but I,m finding that the old black dog is starting to creep back in and negative thoughts and actions are taking over. I have a loving wife and three beautiful children but I hate the way my illness drags me down and makes me just sit on the couch with my head in my hands with my cogs turning with negative thoughts. I crave happiness and the ability to interact with my wonderful children but instead I just sit here feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could just haul myself out of this sad state and become a positive interactive person but I feel like the illness consumes my life. As I,ve said I,ve got all the bases covered good gp, good psychiatrist even the best clinical psychologist in sydney. The thing is I have always worked and now I,m sitting here doing nothing with apathy setting in. Please if anyone has any suggestions on what I should do to drag myself out of the dumps I would really appreciate it. We do have some holidays booked for Christmas /new year which I,m really looking forward to, but what to do until then? Also my illness prevents me from taking a stressful job. Is there employers out there that support people with mental illness? Do stress free jobs exist? I just hope I,m not destined for a life without employment, I would DEFFINATELY go crazy! By the way good to see so many people posting on this wonderful forum, I think together we can all break down the stigma of mental illness.

[Neil_1]

Hi Stephen

I’m hearing you and hearing you only too well, as I understand exactly what you’re saying and going through.   You say that you’ve got all the good supports happening, which is fantastic.  Now even though you say that your meds are good, it is still heaps concerning that you’re still experiencing all these awful feelings.  I’m not sure how long you’ve been on these particular ones, but do you think it might be time they were reviewed?  I’ve gotta have a similar thing happen soon.

The current job climate is really tight, so do you have opportunities to get back into the workforce?  You might be in an industry where securing a job might not be so difficult … I sure hope that is the case, because to me it sounds like being able to score a good job is a big thing.

The thing before Christmas and the upcoming holiday that you’ve got booked is to take small steps … little ones.  Something that kind of works for me or helps me in a small way is to take a piece of paper or even a post-it note and write down on it the next few days and against each day write down a couple of dot points of things that are happening that day.   Might be something like:   going to the gym for a workout, or taking the dog for a walk,  going for a run;  have to get groceries, or some sort of activity with your wife or kids, etc.  I don’t know why that helps me, but it’s something I’ve got into a habit of doing.

Sometimes at the end of the week, I’ll see that piece of paper at home and check it through.  What it does tell me is that I made it through that particular week and also shows some of the things that I achieved.   I don’t know if this has helped at all with bringing you out of the bad place that you’re in … you know it probably hasn’t, as I do do this and I’m still in a very bad place.  I guess it’s just something to try and break my mind out of the usual routine and to make it do something else, even if for only a short time.

Cheers

Neil

[Stephen123]

Thanks for replying Neil I really appreciate it. I think my doctors are happy enough with my progress, it would seem they are just trying to find that happy medium where I,m so dosed up I can,t function, not enough and I end up in the bin. I,m on anti psychotic and anti depressant and have been holding up pretty well. Some days are pretty good others are terrible. My wife actually started writing things for me to do on post it notes and it works. Thanks again for taking the time to reply I,m sorry that you are able to empathise with me so strongly. I,m glad we have this forum for support sometimes it,s good to just come on now and again to post with people that can actually empathise with what we all go through. Thanks Neil good luck.

[giggles]

Hi Stephen

Gosh I really felt for you in your post especially since you have all those boxes ticked in regard to looking after yourself and all the help as well.

Yet I could not help wondering why the feeling keeps coming back and you have not been directed to the correct place to help yourself with it.

With the therapy you have been receiving has anyone showed you how to respond to the depressed feeling?

To me it is a symptom of an old habitual thinking if I have learnt how to get on top of it before it gets on top of me and controls me I am pretty positive you can too.

What you are thinking about for yourself is it real?

I know it is real to you because off course I have gone through this but without blaming your past can you tell yourself why you are thinking the way you do especailly if it is controlling you by getting you to sit.I do the walking if something is hanging around so it takes the drama of the feeling and then an answer can come another way but I reckon you know all the skills and things we can do to help so that is not the issue aye.

Long story short if you can learn the difference between your true feelings and your emotions then hopefully you will start seeing yourself and what you actually want.

No one can actually do that for you we can and will offer suggestions but you have to put your signature to your life.

All the best and I hope it moves out to live somewhere else and not in you cause it sounds like you are doing loads of work on yourself so bit sucky and unfair I reckon.

Giggles

[geoff]

dear Stephen, this whole illness is sole destroying, because we believe that we have all the support we need, the medication is working, and at last we seem to be able to get on with our life, but then all of a sudden we begin to fall apart again, and for no particular reason.

The annoyance of slipping back to where we were once before is devastating, because we don't have any answers as to why.

This is the nature of depression, so we have to be on the ball, and at times we forget and let our guard down, and this is so easily done.

Once you have overcome depression, for say a couple of years, then you have managed to build your strength so that any oncoming falling backwards is much easier to handle, because we know that it's just around the corner, so we avoid it.

This however won't apply to a major relapse, because it just swamps us, just like a wave which we aren't ready for, so it drowns us without any warning.

If you have some spare time and feel as though this wave is about to swamp you then this means that you do have to then entertain yourself in what ever you are interested in, or it maybe something that you haven't tried but always wanted to do.

In other words it's sort of forcing yourself so that you don't fall backwards again, because if we just slump into a chair then we are giving our depression to take over. Geoff.

[Stephen123]

Hi giggles thanks for replying, 

you make a good point about being positive. If I,m in a positive environment doing something positive, challenging and constructive I thrive. If I,m left to my own devices I obsess on the negative things that are happening in my life. There is something in my life that relates to employment and that is dragging me down at the moment, if this issue was removed from my life I think I would be a much happier person and be more positive. The other thing I am distressed about is the way I just sit here , rather than use the time to interact with my children. I didn't,t have a father figure in my life and I don,t think I have the skills to properly interact with my children, maybe this is just doing too much work on myself. To be honest when it comes to true feelings I feel numb and dead inside. I worked in a dehumanising environment for 18 years and I feel like the illness/injury has stripped all feeling from my soul. I,m sorry I know this sounds very deep but I,m just trying to explain my feelings. When it comes to emotions the emotion I feel most is sadness, sometimes it consumes me and I wallow in it and then I hate myself for letting that happen. It,s not all doom and gloom though sometimes there are inspirational moments when I feel totally positive, I thank god for my wonderful family. The sun is shining and it,s great to be alive. It,s these feelings I wish I could harness all the time. I,m sorry but I don,t understand the concept of the difference between feelings and emotions, to me they are the same thing and maybe this is part of my problem. Giggles it sounds like you have been through it and come out the other side. I think I still have a way to go I,m just clutching at straws hoping that someone can come up with a magical answer but deep down I know that is not going to happen and I think I must complete my journey on my own and work it all out for myself the hard way. Thanks for the glimmer of hope giggles at least I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Stephen123]

Thanks for the support Geoff slipping back into depression seems to be all too common. Sometimes it feels like two steps forward one step back and the steps take the form of years. I,m hopeful though that I can remove all the negative things from my life and build resilience to depression. At the root of it all I just want to be a good father and not some lump sitting on a couch in fact I,m starting now this will probably be my last post for a while, the sun is shining my son is off school today, I,m taking him out and we are going to do something positive. Thanks Geoff.

[giggles]

Hey Stephen

Your welcome to me answering your post.I will try to explain the difference and with the abundance of support resources around you that are helping keeping you here perhaps bring it up with someone else and nut it out together.

The true feelings and emotions bit  took me quite awhile before I could actually see and feel it in action. No worries alot of people look at me in wonder when I mention it to them but that is cool because unfortunately I do not know if  there is a way for this to be taught within the public arena because of the individuality of it.

I relate to that quick fix thing absolutely though thats just wanting someone to carry it for a while I reckon from my experience with it.Off course how would that work.

So in my feeble attempt to try and explain the difference between true feelings and the emotion.

When I get angry at someone or something and fly of the handle really quickly it is coming from my emotional state.

Now if I have the same situation again but I am calm I come from my true feeling state and I guarantee I feel alot happier about the situation too because as we all know happy is as happy does. Just good all round. So the true feeling about something comes from what I truly feel.So my character would not normally be angry at anyone because I know the harm it can do to me and those involved.

However this does not come from questioning myself as to why I responded the way I did and that is what no one can do for you because it has to come from your heart and honesty place.There has been ranting and raving in the mean time and anger misplaced towards the person that may have said something or done something.It could have gone on for months, years in fact I will just not bother with that person ever again now who hasn't done that one in our search for perfection.

that is the negative emotional safety neat to keep away from people that annoy me that is just being human and continuing on to the next thing however if I am not resolved it can mask itself until my life directs me to the place I need to be to release.Which to me is a trust within myself that the answer will come just not when I get demanding about it.

I am far from perfect and I trip up sometimes but at least that light you are wanting in your state of down is always there waiting for you to release it.

I worked out what works for me but not without the effort from self and if you truly want it to leave this state then your true feelings may be a key for you to search for.Off course understanding it and playing with it is just a start but a good one I reckon but you need to  drop the expectations of a quick fix I did and gee what a difference.

This is my wee bit I can share with you and off course all the best is asking someone else how this may work if they know what it means. Alot of people are doing it anyway they just have not thought about it.If it is not taught how can we know to access it.I do not know you Stephen or what you have experieced in your life but I do not need too as the details can bog us down because of the negative thought process involved in reliving it.

I feel safe because I can now talk without getting caught up in it that is just a simple sense of freedom of speech.that is a different subject to me though a place for those that have truly recovered and the emotion is not controling the talk anymore.the individual is.

good luck learning about this but as I said ask others if they get it. If not it does not mean it is not real and not obtainable it is always a timing thing in the end. Bit like if you were say my 3yr old niece I would not expect her to understand her emotional state yet because of the obvious age and we all know learning has to come at age appropriate times however I if I have opportunity I will show her how it works so she can have a more productive way to live.

Always in your time Stephen

We do not actually know 100% when we will do alot of those things we dream about  so the timing is always just quietly and patiently waiting for you.While you work on your ownership I know only too well how the pressure to do something comes from those around us and how they have a timing expectation for something but in my experience it just does not work that way at all.

Timing has nothing else to do while waiting because thats its job. Pleased I am not a clock though I reckon the ticking would drive me to drink.

Off course if you are an imaginative person you can always pretend you are the clock timing your own life.lol Go on draw yourself as a clock.Are you digital or big faced one.

Play and learn.

All the best

Giggles

[Stephen123]

Giggles I must be honest and straight forward, as i always am!your post makes me feel sick for some reason, it was obviously a mistake coming back to this forum. I,m outa here I don,t think I,ll be back. Adios

[Stephen123]

Giggles I must apologise for my last post, paranoid delusions get the better of me sometimes. Your post actually spun me out a bit for some reason. To be honest I just don,t get it. I,m very sorry I have this thing were I think people are out to just take the pee out of me.