Dreams

[lookingforme]

I'm not entirely sure how apt a discussion this is for beyondblue, but in the spirit of communication and reaching out which is encouraged, I thought I would write post up, get a few opinions or thoughts.

I should say, I'm tired all the time, especially in the mornings, it's very hard to get out of bed and think about the day that I have to face.  I've always attributed this to the kinds of dreams I have - more like nightmares, really - and being an active sleeper, thus not feeling rested in the morning.  This is no matter how much sleep I get.

I get these really vivid dreams, and almost always they feel too real to me, that when I wake up it's hard to let go of the memory.  They can be traumatic and stay with me the whole day.  And if I'm not distracted enough, sometimes without thinking about it, I'm re-immersed in the dream, and I can picture myself in it all over again.  Like some kind of virtual reality.  And it can get so bad that I start getting anxious that when I get older all I'll remember are my dreams and none of my life.  I really don't want that.  The dreams can get so bad that I question if I'm awake or not when I am awake.  I guess that in itself should be a clue that I am awake, because I don't really question my reality in my dreams.  And sometimes, I just don't want to sleep, though I'm thoroughly exhausted, because of what I may dream - and this can make it worse possibly?

I've spoke to a GP and relaxation was recommended to me, but according to people I know, I don't really know how to get rest.

I'm just wondering if other people have this issue?  And if so, how they cope?

[lookingforme]

Hi Simona,

That last dream does sound sad, and one that would stick with you.  The previous one seems irksome as well.

 I'm not doing too well. I just feel like every little detail that makes up the notion of me is scattered everywhere on the floor and I have no idea where to begin to pick myself up again...

[Simona]

Yes I have been looking for you : )    So you are not doing too well.  I'm feeling the sympathy/empathy.   It's not nice being down in the gravel.  I feel I relate.  It's feeling like a shattered mirror.  I look at myself this way. I look at myself that way.   I think perhaps YES.  This shard of me goes here.   That shard goes there.   I try to put myself together/realign and step back from my reflection.    I try to pull myself together as I keep being told to.  But I mostly feel like I'm wearing an ill fitting man suit.  I'm squirming inside. 

I'm sorry you feel so lost.  I wish I could help you sweep up all those little details/shards

So on the topic of dreams - I had a very strange experience just yesterday afternoon.  I  laid down to rest and I was just lying there with eyes closed hearing all the usual familiar sounds of a busy household beyond my room when i got sucked into a dream.  I suddenly found myself sitting in a  rollercoaster carriage and someone else was beside me but i couldn't tell who.    It lurched forward as it pulled out and began to slowly ascend the first climb when the person beside me began to speak

'So, who are we going to be today?..  Helena? "     

"No.  Today  Nina.  I AM NINA'   i replied

This person beside me then responded with - " I'm not sure about that.  I think we can do better".     And  i closed my eyes and with that; the carriage tipped and down we screamed...     And the weird thing was i became aware of my physical self upon the bed at the same time!     I was lying on my bed with my eyes closed and then i heard the voice from within the dream whisper in my head "Rollercoaster NOW" and i felt all those motions of the ascent and descent and the rapid turns and it was the best high i felt in a long time and i actually sprung out of bed smiling.     It's like i went on this epic ride in my room!

[lookingforme]

Wow, that sounds exhilarating!  Sounds like you could almost do it again.  Do those names signify anything to you?  I personally haven't been remembering my dreams lately.  The last one I remember was hectic, and just a recurrent dream of the same situation over and over again with increasing amounts of people, confusion and frustration.  I have been waking up laughing, screaming or talking though, and in that fraction of a second I know where I am in both worlds, and then jerk awake.  And I too have been very aware of my body when sleeping.  All the time though, I've been feeling like I have run a marathon at night, because the rest just isn't there, and I do keep waking up.  I could do with a roller coaster, haha.

Thanks for the empathy/sympathy, I truly appreciate it.  I suppose a lot of people on here know what the feeling is like to pick yourself up again, and hope you get it right this time.  I just had a marathon sesh with my counsellor at least.  Just really needed to put the worries out there with a very small help me attached to the end of it.

[lookingforme]

I also see what you did there with the whole "I was looking for you" thing, I like it 🙂

[Simona]

Do you get those runner's cramps at all?    Because I do. I get them a lot in my feet also - they wake me up when I'm sleeping.   I used to have reoccurring dreams.   One of the most vivid entailed travelling a great distance alone trying to get to a certain place.   In those dreams I'm walking through the city, through subways...alleys always alone.   I keep ending up in the place I originally started or on the wrong train platform.

The place that's calling me is beyond the city - it's a mountain and I need to get to the top.  I have managed to do that only once and it's a feeling of peace and completeness - like one has finally come home after being away for a long time.

I don't know why I have those rollercoaster dreams/trips.   Because I can't in real life - it brings on my vertigo like anything in 3d or even watching something spinning or car races on tv.   Oh yes , about the names - well Helena - no idea at all.  But Nina : )  my alter ego/pen name.    These days I feel more Nina than Simona but too late to change now.  

Aha I care for you.  I have been trying to 'get out of my head' a lot since you have been gone.  Exercise - i dance around with my ipod nano til 2am and I walk around town during the day but that doesn't help. So I try and be responsive to people and feel for others. Because I  mourn for myself a lot.   But that is not to say I'm cold. I  just feel so consumed by my own suffering sometimes.  So slowly I'm getting better I like to think  : )

I don't get to communicate for long with the mental health workers. I don't think we understand one another so i get passed around.  I have just been set up with a caseworker/advocate.  

[lookingforme]

I don't usually get muscle cramps, I usually spasm a lot though. I'm either jumping or hitting the wall. I meant more the tiredness that comes from running a marathon. I have, however, upped the dose of my meds that help me sleep, and so far it seems to be working better. I just hope I don't get used to it.

I've had a couple of dreams where I've attained the feeling of peace and lightness. It was so real, and so beautiful. Once when I visited space, and when I did so, it looked like a kaleidoscope where I could switch focus from earth to the heavens, while just floating. The other was an anaesthesia dream of literally floating over a field of flowers.

this alter ego, Nina, how does she differ from Simona?

it's great that you have been trying 🙂 that's very important. I haven't been able to do that recently, which I'd almost all of the problem; my brain isn't really my friend. I'm also starting on a new chapter of my life. And it feels like my brain is grinding it to a halt.

[Simona]

Hello   

I hope you are doing better : )  A new chapter can be exciting and scary at the same time.  I'm stubborn. I resist change. I don't like it.  I had my favourite table at my eatery moved and it upset me greatly.  It took time to find a new spot.  Your dreams sound pretty spectacular. I never dreamt of being up in space. Most recently i dreamt  i was alone and walking in the city.  It was dark and raining.  I was carrying my own rusted out skull in the crook of my arm like a gilded helm.   Simona was the girl i wanted to be.  She was a childhood neighbour. She didn't fear because she had no cause to.  She had a good home and she wasn't scared to go home. Nina feared but in time became fearless and stopped flinching. 

[Simona]

So in my latest dream i broke into a house which was my former childhood home.  I don't know why i trespassed but i needed to go inside and look around.  I climbed in through the unlatched kitchen window.  I walked quietly from to room and began feeling like i was not entirely alone.  Like i was being observed.  Succumbing to the paranoia I called out 'Is anyone there?' and a moment later my mobile phone rang.  I answered hello but all i could hear on the other end was somebody breathing and they said not a word just breathed as if they were right behind me.   I got really scared and high tailed it out of there. That call was a warning

[lookingforme]

Your dreams sound pretty out there as well.  I only have those two dreams, nothing else has been incredibly good, so I hold on to them.  I have had more dreams recently but nothing I imagine that I could put up on here. 

So, you identify with Nina more now?  What do you think the warning was about?

 Currently, I'm back in the place I hate, surrounded by triggers, and I am trying to get comfortable.  Sorry if there wasn't much to this post...I am still listening.  My friend tells me that I am prone to getting closed off.  I want to reassure you that I am listening, I just may not say as much as you would like.

[Simona]

Yes. I identify with her more.  Well, the WARNING I think was about me being nosey.  I don't think that presence meant harm to me. I think it is more of a protector.  I think it wanted to 'shoo' me away.   Bad things happened in that house when I was a child.  Scary unexplained things too that still don't make sense to me.  Things only I felt/seen.   The phone call was a warning to stay OUT

Oh it's ok : )  yeah.   I feel sorry and I understand.   Well I am thinking of you : )  Also I decided I'm going to stop posting the creepy dark and post nice dreams instead.   Just for a change  : )    So, on a lighter topic; do you ever hear music/singing in your dreams or wake up to it still playing in your head?        Because I do.    And sometimes I have never heard these songs before and they sound so beautiful and clear.  And I hum them through the day.

Last identifiable song was 'The air that I breathe' by the Hollies.   It was a very vivid dream I had last year. I dreamt I called my deceased friend's mobile number and it went to his message bank. But instead of the usual 'leave your message after the..."  it was all the messages from his friends paying their respects to him like "Oh I miss you bud..." etc.    And after the last message this song by the Hollies just started playing:    "Peace came upon me and it leaves me weak so sleep silent angel go to sleep".      And that was a very happy dream for me because 1. It reassured me and 2. It came out of the blue when I was heavy with the melancholia