Croix Parler

[Croix]

I'd like to use this pace for miscellaneous matters that don't fit elsewhere

Thanks

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Moon. Thanks for the reminder of your post's name. 

When I see E.T. or any Star Wars movies, or the Lord of the Rings  movies, I have associated these with the friend I had as a teenager. She & I had seen E.T. together , & also Star Wars - A New Hope. We talked of them, dreaming of how the Lord of the Rings would one day be made into a movie, or better, a series. She never got the chace to se that happen. 

I've worked through many of my feelings & my perspective on what our relationship was. I simply accept my feeling will be complex, sometimes with nostalgia & yearning, missing her so much, other times I wish her presence in my mind would go away so I could enjoy the films without thinking what she might think, & telling me to be quiet while she watched.  I would liketo view the films through my own eyes, alone & decide for myself what to think about them.

'Moonstruck' has Cher in it, doesn't it? I may be getting it mixed up with another movie... I'll have to google.

My memories of Mekitty are filled with emotion. My experiences with her in my home were, for the most part, lovely & fun. Sometimes I feel bad because I couldn't provide better for her, even though I did my best. Knowing that doesn't help me with feel better for what I did give her. I still would not trade my sometimes mournful feelings about losing her for the wonderful feelings I had when she was here. Thinking of those times, those feelings, I feel them to some extent, rekindle in my body, & these recalled feelings feel good.

Feelings about my birth mother are Difficult to grasp & hold onto. I don't recall her at all. My father told us her given name & wouldn't say anything more. We had no photos, letters, nothing. I had nothing to associate with her except for her absence.

What I associate with that is an anger & confusion with questions unanswered from my father. He frustrated me so much I quit asking.

Deep down it hurts like nothing else I can name. It's only when I make a conscious effort to think about it, like now, that I feel much of anything.

When she was located, I couldn't find my way back to her. I couldn't work out how. I had 25 years to figure it out, but never did.

So, I'd love some memories of feeling happy & loved by her, even if they also make me miss her all the more. Maybe having memories could have helped me towards renewing our relationship.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MK~

Your father did not share with you , and that has left you wiht a big gap, one so large maybe it contributed to your not find your way back to your mother -then again maybe not, her character comes into it too.

Parents -and I include myself in this - do not always feel they should tell their kids all about their lives. sometimes from shame, sometimes grief, sometime anger or any one of umpteen reasons. I doubt that they always go on and think deeply about the effect that will have on thier children, to be excluded, to not know matters that they may need or simply give them greater understanding of themselves, their parents and other matters.

It can be so frustrating -and hurtful.

I have no idea of the relationship between your father and mother, but suspect from his conduct and lack of photos and letters it gave him him great pain (please forgive me if that is an unwarranted assumption.)

Mekitty was loved and looked after - what more could a cat really want?

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix

the way it was was complicated, too much for the character count here.

The way my father told us was that they amicably divorced, with an agreement that there would be no contact. Then he married his second wife, my (ex-)step-mother, & her kids came to lives with us.

Decades later, I heard from my sis that our birth mother says he took us, (their kids) without her consent, basically kidnapping us. But, in a letter to me, she said she believed we would be better off with our father, & her own mental health problems meant that she didn't/couldn't try to find us, as if she didn't know we were in Australia.

The way she wrote to me, saying how she believed everything was fine, we were all well; to me like things she wanted/needed to believe, or she would have to admit to abandoning us to him, allowing him to have sole custody, with no contact of any sort... I don't know what to believe.

I couldn't even find out from my father things I might need to know about my own medical history.

If what I saw between my father & (ex-)step-mother is any indication of how his relationship was with my mother was, then I doubt it was romantic, kind, considerate, or even loyal.

Between my father & (ex-)step-mother, the home was an uncomfortable, insecure place to be, where abuses of various sorts happened.

My father rarely showed his love or affection for us, but would ask "You do love me, don't you?", & not say, "I love you." to us. Sometimes, all I wanted was those three words.

That skims the surface, Croix.

My mother said she would read anything I had to say in letters, then stopped writing, I think, because I said too much. I was very angry about it all at the time, & so I think I did say too much.

Makes me wonder, Moon, maybe memories of us were too hard to bear for my mother, even the happy ones, & that's why she never looked for us. I'll never know.

Hugzies to you both

mmMekitty

[Moonstruck]

Dear Croix..and MeKitty too.......

Gosh you have had a huge load to deal with re your mother MKitty.  It must have been enormous all these years, and is still.   It seems it may remain a mystery unless you can come across some old letters, documents etc that have been tucked away somewhere .   or if you can think of some mutual relation or friend or anyone at all who knew your family......I had no idea you had to deal with such a trauma in your life, some of us can be so resilient can't we, when we need to?

Croix....my boys will have no mysteries or wondering after I've gone...we have no secrets.  I reckon they know,and have witnessed all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly.....how they can still love me and be my closest allies I dont understand but thank God for it.   I wonder why generations past didn't reveal anything about themselves to their kids, grandkids etc so at least they "know" who their ancestors were, as humans, as people, their particular talents or habits that my resurface generations later.....I look at some of mine and they look fascinating.   What secrets do they carry behind their faces in the old photographs?

My mother died when I was 16 and there was so much I didn't know about her.   Who was she? I would have to answer I don't know...all I know and remember is our interaction between the 2 of us...within our family...that's all.   a few years ago I visited an old lady who used to be a close friend.  she was in an aged care home, but quite well and "with it".   Her daughter I'd known since we were kids said it'd be fine, she'd love it if I paid a visit.   I just needed to know bits about who my mother was!  an old friend who maybe able to tell me things to give me an insight into the kind of woman she was and what made her the woman I knew as a child.  I'm glad I did....I did learn a bit more from this old lady, bless her.

I have asked younger cousins and they just brush it aside saying "she was a very nice woman,always had a cup of tea for us and loved talking with visitors..."   Big Deal....oh come on, she was much more complex than that ....I should know.    No one had anything negative to say but they were just being polite.  I did not like my mother at all....have never missed her for one day, one minute,one second....my overriding emotion when she at last died was enormous "relief"....oops this story turned out much longer than I intended.....

[mmMekitty]

Hi Moon & thank you for your response.

I'm sorry you didn't have a better relationship with your mother while you were with her. I understand how it was a relief when she dies. I think I would have felt the same if my (ex-)step-mother had either died or left - i.e., if they'd divorced much earlier than they did. There was a seperation when I was 16/17, but such were the circumstances, it hadn't helped much. I was already having mental health problems long before then.

& now, I also need to explain, my father & my (ex-)s-m, (shall I say now), with us kids , hers & his, came from around the other side of the world to Australia when I was still young. There was no contact between any extended family, except for the rare viisit from her some sort of rellie,  & an old woman, I'm not sure anymore  if she was my grandma, or not. Not a long visit, & no photos, letters, or anything was presented to us. We didn't have these sorts of things.

After the 1974 flood, when we lost the house & everything in it, if there still were hidden things we could have seen, they were gone.

I didn't know I had an uncle until after my mother died. He was the executor of her estate.

You got me thinking so much about memories. I have memories of really good times with my sis, just the two of us, doing thngs together, playing,making up stories, her reading to me, (especially her reading Black Beauty to me), which remind me my whole childhood wasn't ALL bad; there were some things I recall that were really good. For me, as long as I remember these experiences they are not gone.

I have lots of memories I would prefer not to have, until I think, I have these memories now to draw on, helping me to understand & empathise with the experiences many people have had too.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Moon,

like MK you are dealing wiht a closed book, your mother has passed away and despite some second hand stories you are stuck wiht the memories you have and maybe assumptions.

Before I say anything else I'd like ot say I"m not in the slightest surprised your boys have unconditional love for you - you are a lovable person and people respond to that.

I can relate to your feelings abut the death of your mother. I too was actually relived and glad when my mother passed away. My family and I separated (formally disinherited) when I was only around 20, after I'd found out how selfish, unfeeling and unloving they were -toxic in fact. An awful long time later my mother contacted me to say she was dying, and duty won over dislike and I tried for a reconciliation. Sadly she had not changed in the least and simply spread poison. Associating wiht her was a trial.

Maybe the effect of my parents is why I do not open up about everything to my offspring -dunno.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear MK~

Another closed book I guess. From what you say it is very hard to draw many conclusions, the circumstances leave themselves open to may interpretations - you mother selflessly gave up her children for their betterment being one scenario, that she had other motives is another.

There can be surpises, you found out about an uncle, I fund out abut a step-grandmother. Amazing. (Mrs C likes genealogy)

The same applies to not responding to your letters, maybe good intentions were overridden by reality, maybe it was  something not connected at all.

It is hard to live with such uncertainties, perhaps at least partly becuse it affects about how we feel about ourselves.

I am glad you do have some fond memories from the past, a balance for the other ones. As you say they can provide insight, actually the good ones may too.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Thank you, again, Croix.

It does have to be a closed book.

while growing up, somehow or other, we get the idea that all questions have answers. Maybe they do. When the answers are unattainable they may as well not exist. It's been difficult coming to terms with that.

*

Croix, Moon & everyone, come on over to the BB Cafe, where there are Easter Eggs & mmMarshmallow Bunnies to be found!

How about I turn your iglloo into a huge Easter baket, with a wide range of greenly dyed strips of crepe paper strewn over in a layer a  metre thick, so I can hide more Easter Eggs & mmMarshmallow Bunnies for everyone on the iceberg to dig up! Would that be fun or what? The  mmMarshmallow Bunnies really bounce & look for all te world like they are hopping. [LRC jumps up & down to demonstrate]

[Eagle Ray]

Oh yum yum mmMeKitty! My stingrays are so excited they’ve leapt out of the water onto the iceberg and are thumping their tails in anticipation of delicious Easter treats! They have found they can create an interesting cross-rhythm with the beat of their tails in conjunction with LRC’s bouncing. How musical! I hope Croix is enjoying this free percussion concert from his igloo.

[mmMekitty]

The 'Wake Up the Walrus' big band can always use another percussionist - Welcome! [LRC sings "Atisket, a tasket, my green & yellow basket. I wrote a letter to my love & on the way I dropped it..." a la Ella Fitzgerald.] (sorry, I can't think of an Easter song - except a fragment about an Easter bonnet with frills upon it...where's me google? ... Oh, right, 'Easter Parade' by Bing Crosby. I could smaybe sing that one?)