wrong place, wrong time

[Guest_3712]

hey friends,

so confused just posted on anxiety forum should have been here, but then again I am now so anxious that I did it wrong.............

having a bad day, week, month

need to see psych but too embarrassed to go

such a loser, can't even achieve the goals we set last time, and then make matters worse with new anxiety trait

trying to breathe

it's a beautiful day here but my mood makes it cloudy and dull

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

hey Geoff,

my fingers are resting on the keys for so long as I try to make sense of my thoughts.

I know what I have to do, so why don't I do it.

If my finger was stuck in a food processor I would either take my finger out or turn it off - right?  I would know to do something straight away or my finger would be mush.

So why can't I use this logic for my depression. ? I need to do something now , not next week, month , or year.

I read and re- read your post. I do get what my depression does to me in terms of emphasising the negative and playing down the positive. But knowing is one thing....

As far as contacting my psych, well I know I'm probably being childish but I can't bear the thought of ringing again, totally losing it and coming off like the freaking crazy person I think I am.

I am so worried about how I am perceived by anyone, including my psych - crazy ? Hell yes. I have been going to my psych for 4 years and I am still worried about what he thinks of me. 

As you can see I should book myself into the nearest hospital as I am truly losing the plot, big time!

Thanks for your help Geoff, I hope you are doing ok. I worry that you and Neil don't get the support you need from the rest of us. When I see how many people you respond to I am in awe.

Please take care and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

hey Neil,

sorry for confusion re posts so I will just answer here.

yes I know I am good at my job, but it is all an act. I am almost manic at work. I work full speed, ( given my chronic pain) it's not lightening fast but I don't stop. I have a very strong work ethic.

Without going into detail it was pretty much beaten into me as a kid. I helped in my fathers shop, and bludging wasn't an option.

The truth is this double life is incredibly tiring . I am superwoman at work, at home I am a shell. I have to talk to myself and convince myself each day to get up. I know you will say at least I get up and I guess it is. I remember when I couldn't.

Not sure what I want here. I am now questioning if in some warped sick way I keep myself like this so I can get the attention.

I have known depression free days, so why would I choose this nightmare?

As far as the goals I set with my psych go , they are not like " walk a mile today and then we'll try 2 miles next week" ( not that there is anything wrong with that, but I HAVE to ACHIEVE these things to survive- to live a depression free life.

If that isn't enough of a motive for me then I guess I am really damned to this hell on earth. Appreciate your thoughts and hope you are Ok

Like I said to Geoff I worry about you guys , giving , giving and more giving and maybe not getting enough back. So sorry if this is the case .

I do look for your comments and maybe that is selfish

Be kind to your self Neil

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

Hey Jo,

thanks for reply. yes I have always said you, Mares and I share very similar stories.

My relationship with my psych is complex ( as I'm sure is everyone's)

I was lucky enough to be assigned to him on my first hospital admission. Prior to that I was seeing a psychologist only, who later dumped me because she didn't agree with my psych's use of medications . Ho Hum! a whole other story.

I need my psych's approval. I need to hear him tell me I am OK and doing a good job. He saw me at my absolute worst, he talked me out of hurting myself on many occasions but as you all have pointed out that is his job.

I remember one of Neil's posts saying how we somehow thought we were our psych's favourite, we were somehow the special one amongst  their hundreds of patients.

How delusional am I to think I am any more important than any one else.?

Again I am forced through my stupidity to face the truth.

Jo , you are lucky to have this opportunity to go to hospital - yes lucky. You worry you won't be able to rant, believe me you should be given plenty of time to do that.

For security reasons I was unable to take laptop to hospital- limit any valuables you take too.

Appreciate your time and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Dear Stressless

How have you been going over the last few days??

Any further appointments with any of your professionals. Have you been knocking them dead at work, just like you do each day?

Hey, I just want to reinforce something to you – I know you worry about this (because you mentioned it), but we here on Beyond Blue do NOT judge anyone Stressless.  You know that and so you can come here and rant and rave and vent as much as you want – no skin off our nose (is that the right saying?) or just water off a duck’s back to us and might I say that for the professionals who are out there, they don’t judge either (well for the most part, I’m pretty sure that’s the way it is – and if it isn’t then those can be reported, etc).  I don’t know if this eases your concerns about what you think your psych thinks about you, but I believe with all my soul that they do not think badly of you.

Can I just put you in the position of being a psych?   And let’s say YOU come in to see ‘you’ – yes Neil’s being weird again, but bear with me (I’ve only just thought this scenario up but stay with me, cause I think it’s a goodie!), so there you are, telling your psych (which is YOU) all your troubles, stressors, concerns and how badly depression is affecting you.  I bet you reach out to this person and hold their hand, put your arm around them and give them support – if they cry, you hand them a box of tissues, but at all times, you are leaning forward in your chair and are deeply concerned for this person – and when things calm down a bit, you then begin to talk very calmly and softly and give out a few pieces of advice and coping mechanisms to just tide you through for the next little while.  You see, you didn’t judge yourself as being someone ‘weird’ or ‘crazy’ – you were professional, compassionate and supportive – as I believe your psych is.  As we on this site are also.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Stressless, I really what Neil has said in his last post about an hour ago, and how true he is.

You do raise a very good point and this is an important one 'knowing is one thing but' is a question we always ask ourselves, so what it means is that now you understand the difference between being depressed and what maybe good for you and what's not.

This is different than when we are first faced with depression, because at this stage there is no distinguishing between either, it's all negative, and there is never any sign of happiness, so now it's a thought process, and whether our minds still think of depression and being at home under the doona can still be on our mind, but this thought change is, and believe me, a good thing, and it also means that eventually this good will prevail, not immediately but over some period, it's has to be a slow process, because we learn all sorts of problems that may still nag us.

I still see my psychologist as I did this morning, so it doesn't matter whether you feel as though you have overcome depression or not, it's someone to talk to, someone that wants to understand this terrible illness, and wants to know what makes us work.

He will raise a point as he still thinks that I suffer from PTSD from my head injury, maybe I am, maybe not, but we can discuss the topic and there will be ideas or thoughts that he will mention which we talk about or he wants me to think about.

It's not unreasonable to believe that we are our counsellors favourite, and why shouldn't we, because it's a one on one session, and they make us feel comfortable which they do to make us be honest and tell them what's bothering us, and it doesn't matter if you discuss the same topic over and over again, because he/she hasn't been able to instill these points across to us so we can accept them.

You need to have to confidence with whom ever you talk either professional or on this forum, so this means that you do trust what they say, and if something even small connects with you, then a connection has been made.

Look forward for your reply. L Geoff. xx

[Guest_3712]

hey neil,

You and Geoff are amazing . I have been so fragile and out of it the last few days I haven't been up to posting, or even checking in very much and then when I do there you are. Thanks.

No I haven't seen my psych or spoke to him yet, I don't know if maybe he's testing me to see if I can cope or 'problem solve' on my own - who knows.

Yes I do get that all of my friends here don't judge and I am also sure ( almost ) that neither does my psych.

Neil loved your, ' I'm the psych' scenario and yes for the most part I was compassionate, sat forward in my chair, handed out tissues and said, "There there"

I must confess I did allow myself ( the psych me) some eye- rolling , discreetly of course, and I think there was a yawn or 2 , but hey I was the last appointment.

As I write the other side of my life has blown up in my face. Without going into details, I am one of 5 kids ( in the middle- yes I hear you say middle child syndrome) the psych me says nonsense it's a myth.

Any way back to the blow up, 12 months ago we had to make the agonising decision to have our mum put into care. Ever since there has been battles about power of attorney, etc etc. Not from us the kids, but one son- in law.

We have had mediations and so on . Long story short did the 'unthinkable' and rang Mum and said we need to talk as a family. ( we have not involved her in the nastiness) and I gave her a little insight of what is going on.

So right now I am public enemy no 1 to some of the clan. I am tired, emotional , anxious, and I have to work soon.

OMG you have no idea how cheered I was reading your post my friend. I will draw on the funny bits tonight to keep me grounded.

Again thanks my friend nd

Be kind to your self

Stressless ( don't see it happening)

[Guest_3712]

Hey Geoff,

you are very insightful and I hadn't thought about my comment 'knowing is one thing' being a positive thing but yes I can see how knowing the difference is important.

As I said to Neil I was so pleased to see your reply and to know you were thinking of me was humbling as I really value your perspective on things, and yes I do trust you.

I also trust my psych but I am so all over the place at the  moment I see conspiracy theories in everything ( see reply to Neil) . I have lost some momentum from my earlier highs of going back  to work but the consistent positive feedback I get is keeping me on track.

I was sorely tempted to call in sick this week, something as an ex boss I used to hate ( last minute) , I even dialled the number but something got me over the line and off I went.

Speaking of which I am due to start shortly so I will read back on your response ( if quiet night) and try and apply some of your lessons to me.

Thanks for your time and friendship

Be kind to yourself

Stressless ( still trying to)