Would love peoples thoughts

[forteloud]

Hey, I'm here because i feel i may be struggling and have been struggling with mental health issues for a long time.

I've always had a harsh outlook on life, i see things in a dim light and am extremely critical of other people, the world itself and of course, myself.

I've been on a journey for a while now, I'd say i've been trying to discover how to function and how to feel like a human for a while. I've discovered a whole lot of things in my journey, the most important of which would be my discovery of what i believe to be true, authentic happiness with myself. I felt that, i believe i did, it was amazing and i strive to be back there because the fact that i can feel good, being capable of speaking to people, enjoying activities, being excited and hopeful for the future motivates me to improve every day. But i don't know if that was a rare state of euphoria or a sign of how i could be with good mental health.

During a lot of school i would feel like shit, bad moods, dim and depressing outlook on life, its just what i know and what i saw the world as, i felt like shit every day but it was normal. This was life, i had nothing to compare it to. The more i became self aware the less happy i became, i slowly became aware of how my actions and words could hurt others, i never want to hurt people, or at least i know its wrong to hurt others. But i always was good at it, i suppose because of how critical and dim i was,i could find a flaw in anything, a true pessimist.
Since late high school i went on a mission to change and improve, find a flaw, fix it, find another flaw, fix it. I did this through studying other people and of course, myself. A common practice for most people. I was at the same time look into how to be happy, how "normal" people think and feel and how to replicate those thoughts so i could feel the same way. I realised that constantly criticising myself was bad, i needed to stop but i did not want to go back to hurting other people. I'd say i'm pretty sensitive, i get hurt by things people say, but sometimes, if im not thinking, i forget that other people could feel the same way, i struggle to empathise sometimes.
Its a brutal pattern.

[forteloud]

I think i figure out the problem, i dwell, i find out what else it could be, i dwell, so on so on.
I have rarely been able to get out of my head for even a moment to enjoy life. Too self aware? Too anxious? Too depressed? Too insecure? I dont know.
I will say that my primary goal is to be able to speak to people, i cant, i feel i've only had a few real conversations in my life because my head is always so clogged up with other thoughts to concentrate on the conversation. I've been able to tap into a constant mood where i'm happy and feel pretty good but i still cannnot have genuine conversation with people. It feels lonely but i don't feel lonely at the same time? Like, ever, because i'm always with my thoughts.
I have days of clear thinking, i can converse with people (oh my god it feels incredible to be able to), i can think about more than how to get better and how shit i feel or to criticise everything around me. On those days i write down how i'm feeling to snapshot how to be that way again, i have a diary consisting of my thoughts during those good days. It never works of course, i slip out of that period and feel the same hopeless person that cannot communicate or relate to other people. Reading the diary that is supposed to help me regain that mindset does nothing. It sounds stupid but i'm just trying to do anything to feel good. I cant accomplish anything in my life like this, fuck this feels pathetic but im willing to be judged to get any kind of answer. I've wanted to go to a doctor for ages but I'm scared. Once again, i feel its normal as i have nothing to compare it to, maybe it is. It cant be. I'm too scared to go to the doctor at fear of being laughed at, but the biggest fear is that i am healthy. If i am healthy and this is what others feel then i want to hug my family and friends, then go and kill myself as soon as possible.
I also spend almost all my time by myself outside of work. Not to say i don't go to social events, but i feel comfortable being distanced from everyone. I have for years pushed myself in so many uncomfortable situations to improve, but i cannot converse, its like there is a mental block. I want to change this, no one in the world knows much about me haha. These are my thoughts, i could write for days. I'm sorry if this comes across as self centered.
I dont know what i'm doing, thank you to anyone that reads and responds, really truly appreciate it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello forteloud,

I'm fairly new to BB, so not yet used to replying to people. I do worry about being misunderstood, so will say to start this reply is only meant to be taken as supportive, not critical.

You wrote:

" but im willing to be judged to get any kind of answer "

There is no judgement on BB forums, we are all going through our own mental health journeys & are here not just to get help but to support each other.

" I'm too scared to go to the doctor at fear of being laughed at, but the biggest fear is that i am healthy."

Your GP definitely won't laugh at you, GP's deal with mental health issues all the time and are very supportive. I'm not a doctor so I can't diagnose, but from your post I sense your distress & that you feel you are struggling. I encourage you to get professional mental health support, either through your GP, the BB help line 1300 224 636 or the Get Immediate Support link below.

Take care

Paw Prints

[Sunnybug]

Hi forteloud

Thanks for talking to us. I agree with Paw prints that going to a doctor is a great idea. Is there someone from your family who could go along with you to the appointment? By commenting on this forum it already shows that you are looking for help, so the next step is probably counselling. It is a safe place to talk about being scared about talking. Guys often find it difficult to talk about how they are feeling. The beyond blue helpline can also help you to talk because it is an anonymous conversation, you don’t need to be worried as you can’t see each other. The counsellors can help you to work through your issues. I recently joined a meet up walking group to get out and about and see how beautiful the outside world is and help me start to recover from anxiety. There are lots of supportive groups out there and you don’t have to talk to people very much if you don’t want to. Another thing to help you see the brighter side of life is to write down good things that have happened in your life, even if they are only little so you can start focussing on good or happy things instead of negative thoughts. You can actually train your brain to look at the positive side over time. Exercise is also great - have you ever gone for a jog or a run? I hope you are able to start feeling better soon. You can do it! All the best from Sunnybug.

[Nothappyuni]

Forteloud, I can empathise with every word.

These, as I see it, are the thoughts and insecurities of a greater part of the population. I believe we are all insecure, admitting to those insecurities makes you human. In this digital age of multimedia, we are bombarded by people telling us their life is better than ours, how we must aspire to their form of reality. I just do not believe it all. Underneath all the bs we all want to be accepted. Use your observation skills to look at those around you, really look. There is the face we present the public, and the face we only see ourselves; but, in moments when we least suspect it, we sometimes bare secrets of ourselves. Possibly, we all want to be seen for who we are.

Good for you for saying how you feel. I respect you for it and feel better within myself for knowing I am no different from others around me.

Know who you are, but do not be afraid. It is clear you are a caring person. Words are such complicated things, they injure others so easily. My only advice is to choose your words with care if you do not wish to hurt others, and should you hurt someone, make amends- apologise with sincerity- for words can heal too.