Worrying about worrying - the joys of anxiety!

[winterily]

Hi everyone, I’m new here!

I have been dealing with horrible anxiety since late last year when my partner abruptly up and left me. We have since reconciled, but I can’t help worry almost daily that this will happen again. I am scared to not worry in case it happens again, it’s as though I think this will lessen the pain if it does happen (silly, I know).

I worry about worrying, and worry that it will upset him and he will leave again. I have suffered bouts of anxiety previously in my life, but nothing to this degree. We have a good relationship, the reason he left was heartbreaking and we were both grieving. I just feel like my anxiety will slowly push him away.

I look for signs in every message, every verbal conversation we have, that he might leave me again or that his feelings are changing.

My GP referred me to a psychologist, who I have seen a few times now. She is great, but we more so talk about ways to work through my anxiety and she gives me homework to do. She has suggested meditation which I can only seem to do at night before I sleep as during the day it makes me feel more anxious. She has asked that I keep a ‘Worry Journal’, which I am yet to start, possibly because writing down every time I worry will make me feel crazy, as I worry a lot.

My anxiety started from the sudden relationship change, but has since stemmed further into worrying about certain family members falling ill. One of the did and I guess that just proved worrying doesn’t prevent anything. I wish I could just switch my brain off at times as it makes me physically sick. I have lost almost 30kg this year and feel weak at times. It’s hard to swallow any solid food, it was hard to even drink water at first.

I guess the point of this post is to reach out to others who are suffering from a similar issue. I enjoy seeing my psychologist, although sometimes I come out feeling worse.

Sometimes I just want to talk to another human who suffers from anxiety and understands. I find talking incredibly therapeutic!

I hate how this is consuming me lately and just want to feel better.

I have been prescribed medication but don’t know if I want to take that route. I am afraid of side effects, and as much as I don’t want to feel the way I do I worry that it might numb it all too much and I will never be able to recover and just become dependent on the medication.

This post is a lot longer than I intended, sorry!

Thanks for reading - winterily 🙂

[MsPurple]

hi winterily and welcome to the forums

Sorry to hear about your relationship opening up your anxious thoughts. It is good you are seeing a psychologist to discuss this with. I find seeing a psychologist and discussing my concerns really helpful. It is just good to talk to someone too.

Like you I also do meditation before bed. I find it harder to do it during the day for some reason. I use apps on my smartphone like 'calm' 'smiling minds' 'headspace'. Without them I struggle. If you want to try something different maybe download one of these and see if it helps.

You say you have lost 30kg. That is a huge amount. Have you been openly trying to lose weight? Sometimes when people loose weight without trying they can actually become malnourished (don't have to be underweight to be malnourished). It can also cause muscle loss. I suggest maybe asking your gp to refer you to a dietitian through the GP management plan (also known as an EPC). You should be eligable for this because you have depression/anxiety and it has caused weight loss. This will allow you to see a dietitian with medicare rebate (without this plan, EPC, medicare won't pay part of it). These are professionals that can make sure you are eating adequate nutrients to prevent malnutrition and make sure you are getting enough protein, vitamins and minerals. I'd see a dietitian over a nutritionist or naturopath (if you see a nutritionist make sure they are also a dietitian) because dietitians are regulated over a governing body and have had to undergo clinical placement in hospitals etc. It is really common to lose/gain weight when depressed because depression can affect our appetite. Some lose it and some gain it. Some people also use food (or reducing it) as a coping mechanism. You may not be concerned about your weight loss but I thought I should add this in just incase.

Whether you choose take the meds is up to your and your gp. For me I was advice meds and I decided to take them. Yes there are some side affects, but for me the benefits outweighed the negatives of me not being on them. It is ok to talk about your concerns with your dr. I did and it helped reassure me. I'm not saying this as a you should but more of a your concerns is something we all have and it is ok to question it to your gp

Hope some of this has helped. Feel free to ask any questions and join us on any other threads in the forums 🙂

[winterily]

Hi MsPurple and thank you for your reply! I'm sorry mine has taken a few days, I have been struggling big time as I have just started a new medication.

I agree with it being nice having someone to talk to. My last session with my psychologist was more so just chatting rather than discussing techniques, which was nice as sometimes a good talk can help.

Thanks for the suggestion of those apps. I have 'headspace' 'smiling minds' and 'Insight Timer' at the moment, but i will try calm too. I actually did a morning meditation this morning and enjoyed it. Although I was taking my washing off the line while listening. I found it calming as long as I was moving, I was casually moving though and in no rush.

I haven't been trying to lose weight, the anxiety is literally melting it away. My GP did a care plan for a dietician and a gastroenterologist as I was 'diagnosed' (no formal tests have been done) with IBS many years ago. Thank you again for your help there, now I just need to get a move on and make these appointments! I'm not in an unhealthy weight range, to give you an idea, I was 97kg and am now 72kg and am 165cm tall. It's definitely noticeable as all my clothes are way too big. I try to drink sustagen as much as I can to help get some goodness into me.

I started taking the medication again and have had some awful side effects. I have been taking half doses as per my GP, but yesterday morning and this morning I had some pretty dark thoughts that scared me so much I called a helpline. The lady was lovely and felt it was a side effect of the medication. It is still making me nauseous and giving me diarrhoea. I have an appointment with my GP today to discuss this as I have never felt helpless and scared before.

Thank you again for your response, I have found even just reading these forums so helpful! I will be sure to join in on other threads.

-Winterily

[Ulysses]

Gee I hear you. I think love and relationships are naturally filled with a certain amount of anxiety whether you’re in a stable relationship or not. I worry my partner will leave me despite him never indicating he will. I worry my anxiety makes me too much hard work despite him saying it doesn’t. There are some good information online about relationship insecurities that helped me. Best of wishes

[Doolhof]

Hi Winterily,

Welcome to the community here. The forum has certainly helped me in so many ways since I joined. There are so many sections for yo to have a look at when you are ready, as well as the information available on the "Formal" section of this site.

Medications can be a bit tricky at times, they do help so much and can cause a few issues as well. Hopefully your Dr. will be able to help you with getting the balance right.

The Worry Diary sounds like a good idea. Sometimes I will grab pen and paper and write down everything that I am struggling with. I may have tears streaming down my face while I am doing so, that is okay. It all helps to get that awful stuff out of your mind.

The next step for me though, is to write down some positives as well, things that I am thankful for. That way I am not left with a "sour" taste in my mouth. A few deep breathes, thoughts about something "nice" I can do later that day or tomorrow, and my mind is in a different place.

Hopefully you can relax your mind and anxiety around your relationship. We have very little control over what other people do, let alone understand why they act as they do.

There are times when I don't understand myself let alone anyone else.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[quirkywords]

Winterlily

I can relate to this thread and your question. I too worry about worrying.

Like Mrs Dool I write down what I am worried about. Sometimes I feel as I write how silly it is but I still write them all down.

I don' write down what I am thankful for but I may start. I write down what I will do with the points I have written down so I won't worry about them. If that makes sense.

Quirky

[white knight]

Hi winterily.

I cant add much bit please google

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

Topic: how I eliminated anxiety- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

There are many more on this site

Tony WK

[MsPurple]

Hi winterily

Sorry I was unwell Tuesday and still had some residue effects from that so haven't been on the forums much the last few days.

How did your GP appointment go? I feel you on the first few day side effects. I found I got really weird and scary dreams when I first started taking my current medication. Sometimes our bodies initially start off weird taking them, but then calm down. Definatley something to keep an eye on

I think having sustagen is a good idea. Although losing weight maybe beneficial, sometimes losing it unintentionally can lead to muscle wastage due to note getting enough protein, so the sustagen should help. But seeing a dietitian (which you got a plan for) is a great idea and they can give you more guidance and cater to your specific needs and goals. If you have IBS in the past and it is still bothering you they can go over things that may help, however if it isn't too severe it may not be the main focus/goal you both have.

Well I hope you have a lovely weekend. I'll pop back in when I get the chance

[Lilly_olive]

Hi there

i understand what you mean!

i suffer bad anxiety and many years ago had a similar experience to what you described with your partners appended to me.We split and I was so devasted then when we got back together I was so anxious he would break it off again I tried to hide my anxiety from him and be super happy etc!

i am still with him 14 years later!

I can advice that you are right seeing someone that helped me too as did medication as it helped make me strong again and less anxious and able to cope if we broke up again.

Also seek support from family and friends who understand you so you arnt doc using just on him!

goodluck 😘

[winterily]

Thanks Ulysses 🙂

My apologies on taking so long to reply.

A lot has happened since I first posted on here. I had a wonderful Christmas, despite the intense anxiety leading up to it. I kept worrying my partner would break up with me or decide to spend Christmas at his place alone (total irrational thinking now I look back).

We spent a few extra days together over the break and he told me he was ready to live together again. We have been living apart for a year now. I am so happy that we will be living together again, I thought my anxiety would go away but I still feel it a bit, mostly in the morning. He has started moving his things, but will properly move in this weekend. I guess it will take some time to get used to again and to stop the worry.