Worry, worry worry

[white knight]

I've often said in these forums "worry is non productive". It doesnt produce a thing for your positivity.

You can worry that you have an appointment the next day. Then you dont sleep because you are worried you will sleep in or forget your CV documents or not be dressed up well enough. All 3 things in this example is worry for zero benefit. You can have 2 alarm clocks to prevent you sleeping in, you can place your CV in the car so you dont forget it and you can select your clothing the night before....so off you go and have a good night sleep...bet you dont!!

That's because 'worry' is inground, it's part of you, like a limb. So it's extremely difficult to rid yourself of this burden.

The first and most important step is separating reality with unrealistic thoughts. When we allow out thought patterns to trod along without challenge then we have a problem. Discipline to attack unrealistic thoughts has to be there for many reasons like - the less you think unrealistically the more time you have for real thoughts. And unrealistic thoughts can cause other issues to-

Fear!  In 1987 I had a big dispute at my workplace. A pain in my chest and an abnormal heart beat led to a diagnosis of heart attack. This was incorrect and after a few months it was found to be a panic attack. My therapist asked me weekly what happened during the week and I'd tell him I thought my boss would knock on my door, or my doctor wouldnt believe my fear was real or I really did have a heart attack and they got the diagnosis wrong again. Can you the reader see where I'm coming from?

The next step is relaxation. Learn it. Go to relaxation classes. Learn muscle tensioning exercises. They really work. What you would be doing is learning a task that some do naturally but for some reason you missed out. It isnt your fault but if you dont attack the issue it will be your fault. You wont find a relaxing life and that is not good. Take it from someone who knows.

The last step is prioritising.  Placing things in priority allows you to tackle the hard things first then as you tackle less important things you begin to relax more. Finances is a good example. Low on funds you should be shopping for food instead you decide to get that truck load of manure for the garden. For the rest of the week until pay day you struggle with coins only in your pocket. = worry.

Worry is non productive.It doesnt produce a thing except hurt, anxiety, depression or at least assists these things.

Remove it from your life.

Tony  WK

[white knight]

I want to mention the process of reducing worry and comparing worry to stress and other reactions.

Last week we were in Queensland and had had a terrible 4 weeks of trouble with our caravan we built ourselves 3 years ago, battery, generator etc. Not my building to blame! Since then we spotted another caravan we purchased and we also have a new car to collect that can tow the next caravan.

In the past the process of purchasing items of high value I'd label as "stressful" when in fact it is adrenalin. The process of registration, towing permits, insurance, dealing with such companies and Government Departments  and the like is the stressful part. For me it is important to differentiate the reactions. Adrenalin can be harmless, in fact many athletes are addicted to it. Confusing adrenalin and worry is a problem because treating the adrenalin like it is worry is suggesting a topic of excitement is a matter of burden. Such misdirected conclusions simply adds to our problems and is not realistic. By discounting a reaction that is adrenalin is to "normalise it" and not pile it upon the "worry" heap.

"Worry is indeed non productive". 

Another fact with myself that you might be able to relate, is the adrenalin process. I know myslef well enough to know that my adrenalin will not subside until I'm at the end of the process of arriving home with the new caravan and car and have sold the old caravan and car. Finances, familiarity of new car and van all settled, only then will I feel settled. So having told myself that I'm aware I wont settle for a few weeks. There is little to gain by placing expectations upon ourselves to calm down when such changes are taking place. By having such expectations we are our own worse enemy.

Do you recognise adrenalin, worry , stress as being different from each other?

TonyWK

[criss]

Hi, this so resonates with me. Thankyou for this post Jess and White Knights thread too on worry.

I always need to feel like im doing something constructive or meaningful to validate me..and I seem to see relaxation at times as wasting time too..wrong thinking I know but habit, maybe fear and worry underlying it all. Needing control.

Nevertheless I really felt comforted there are others who have walked my path. 

Im practicing acceptance and letting be at the moment.

[white knight]

Criss, it's comforting seeing a reply from a thread I commenced years ago. Thankyou. 

This one might well assist you too.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

TonyWK 

[Mark07a]

Its funny how we dont worry as much when we're kids, or if we do we worry about things that maybe are more understandable.

I use to always watch and listen to my grandma worry, she was a big worrier. I use to try and calm her by getting her to look at it from another perspective or by just patiently telling her things will be okay.

But now im stuck in this never ending loop of worry and stress, and it just seems so normal as an adult. 

How did we get here? To be such worriers.

[randomxx]

Yeah , l dunno , as a kid they have their huge things to them too, l had mine for sure too but these days l feel terrible for kids. There is sooooo much going on , things in your face left and right , overload and their lives are so so different to what mine was back in the day, many moons ago.

All through grown up life there seems to be worries though doesn't there , especially in these days and times.

l like to think some day , it's all sorted and l have nothing to worry about any more but then l see people 70s, 80s, with a whole new round of worries all over again. My ex use to say there's never peace, sometimes l think she was right. l dream of peace but it's feeling like a pipe dream these days.

rx

[white knight]

I think, like anxiety, its usually environmental,  a prominent family member that worries will pass it on. As a boy my mother would display 30 minutes of "what if's" during meal times. She even showed delight in us worrying about her worrying.

I deprogrammed myself from worry.

"I've never seen a cake rise more by worrying"

TonyWK 

[white knight]

Peace RX is within, never external. Its all how we react.

I used to worry about my 1st marriage before we split, being narcissistic I thought I'd suicide and attempted. A week later I left her, got to the end of the street and, with tears streaming let out a huge laugh. I'd survived her. 

All that worry, was wasted rent in my head.

So action avoids worry, plans cut it off and the pass and perspective allows room for happiness

TonyWK

[randomxx]

Yeah, fully agree Tony.

Was thinking that in my last post of trying to get into that sort of angle bc in  "theory" , we should be able to form/build our lives in ways that do away with worries- in theory. Ofc, that's all very easy to say and on the other side of the coin, life also just happens too and throws much crap at us, much of not in the old plan or that we can't control.  

This last 10yrs or so, give or take, myself for example realized to that in my case, although l've had many beautiful times in life and periods, many highs, much of my adult life though was also an always orrr, when l do this or get that or have that under control, l'll be happy. But that's all such a crazy trap to get ourselves into isn't it, bc all that could take 50yrs, longer, but it's so so important to enjoy the ride too all along to in any ways we can.

There are so many ways l could've done that on top of any other goods and highs that came along.

So yeah, when l woke up to that one been working on it quietly even since and smelling all the roses on offer along the way too, rather than tomorrow, or when all this is done and all the rest of the blah blah blah trap.

Worries are also a big part of it all that though too isn't it and so for me it became about enjoying the ride and moment and loved ones, no matter whet too bc there'll always be something to worry about.

rx

[white knight]

RX

Re:  "....bc there'll always be something to worry about." That's what I used to think, that I'll always worry, but in the last 20 years I've proved that I can (some cant) eliminate worry in the form I had it. It comes with decisive mentality. 

eg My daughter had our first grandchild, they live 3 hours away. Bit far, I'd like us to move and thats a big change of course as we built our house 6 years ago for our old age. But I thought it through and ideally if we moved to a country town with facilities 30 minutes drive from her home (in outer city) it would be ideal and we'd get to see our grandchild/children much more often. But my wife doesnt want to move for 5 years as she has built up friendships here. So, once I believed her choice was reasonable I mentally postponed the topic. I moved on. 20 years ago I'd dwell on the topic, even pressure her a bit. Not now.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/mars-and-venus-the-conversation-between-us/td-p/365...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/nip-it-in-the-bud-ideas/td-p/66816

So dwelling isnt healthy, its a passive way of worrying, I see dwelling as a gentle form of worry, that raises the past a lot for no productive reason. Dwelling and worry are in the same family of useless thoughts that can be overcome with mental self discipline (if you have the capacity) and physical action.  Once I worried my car would be stolen on the street so I went to the car shop and bought a steering lock- no more worry.

TonyWK