Who do you go to?

Matt SA · ‎16-01-2021

So I’m 41 and am the person everyone in my family & friends group comes to when they need help. Inside I’m cracking under the pressure & I feel like when I’m pretty much in crisis I have no one to turn to. I’ve been seeing a psychologist and for the most part it goes well - but I still find when the pressure gets high I want to fall apart but feel so completely alone.

sunnyl20 · ‎16-01-2021

Hi Matt,

Welcome to the forums. I am really sorry you are feeling so alone. It is understandable that you would be feeling distressed and under pressure when others offload on you and seek help from you but that you feel you have nowhere to turn to for yourself. You do not need to answer this, but do you know why they are able to ask for help from you, but you cannot turn to them when you are in crisis? Is there anyone, other than your psychologist, who you have felt able to talk to and been able to talk to in the past about things like this?

I am really glad that you have the support of a psychologist, but from what you have described it sounds like you are wanting a bit of extra support. Have you considered contacting one of the online chat or phone lines available (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/national-help-lines-and-websites)? They can be really helpful when you feel you are not coping and struggling to know who to talk to or how to explain what is happening - I would really encourage you to have a look at this if you feel up to it.

Please do not hesitate to reach out on here when you would like to. We are here to listen. Take care.

White_Rose · ‎16-01-2021

Hello Matt

Welcome to the forum. This is a common but difficult situation. Once someone is known to be sympathetic to the difficulties of others It's hard for them to stop turning to you and hard for you to say you cannot manage their problems as well as those of everyone else.

Have you discussed this with your psychologist? When you see him/her they can talk to you for a defined length of time. I wonder if you can make this kind of approach with your family and friends. When they start talking you can say you are only able to offer them 30 minutes. I know some people will feel you are pushing them away but it could lead to a conversation about others wanting your support and how this is hard for you to manage. Perhaps run this past your psychologist first.

It can be helpful if you arrange to spend a couple of hours with someone you think may be able to offer you support. Go for a coffee and talk about what you need or would like. It may be difficult to start such a conversation but could help a lot. I often say it's easy for someone like me to make these suggestions but not necessarily easy for someone to carry them out. It's good you have the help of a psychologist to work through these options.

This is a quick reply to see how my suggestions feel.

Mary

Guest_4643 · ‎16-01-2021

Hey Matt SA, welcome to the forums.

It's lovely that you're there for other people, but you need to try and do some self care and be there for yourself too. I really do understand how hard that is, but you're most important. We're always here for you on the forums, you're in a safe, friendly, non judgemental place that is moderated. We understand you.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Please know that you're a good person for being there for other people, but self care for yourself is important also, whatever that may be, big or small. We're here for you.

Please take care of yourself and be safe.

Matt SA · ‎19-01-2021

Thanks for the super supportive replies people. You are absolutely right about self care, for me concepts to action can be hard. But I will make an effort! Does anyone else struggle thinking their problems are just not as bad as other peoples?

Guest_4643 · ‎19-01-2021

Hey Matt SA.

I agree, self care can be hard, I struggle with it myself. And yes about thinking struggles aren't as bad as others. But despite that, we're all (except me) worthy of love, care, understanding, kindness, and all good stuff in life.

sunnyl20 · ‎19-01-2021

Hey Matt SA,

Self care can be hard. But keep in mind, it doesn't have to be big, just small simple things: lying down and listening to your favourite music, watching a movie/show that you love, going for a walk in the sun, just something that gives you a little boost in your day and helps your mind - what might this look like for you?

And yes, definitely, it is not uncommon to compare oneself and one's problems to others. But maybe ask, are you judging yourself more harshly? Would you think the same thing if someone else told you they were dealing with that problem? Comparing yourself to others is rarely helpful, we are all different, we all experience things differently and are sensitive to different things. Sometimes it can be good to get a bit of perspective, but minimizing your pain and difficulty by comparing yourself to others usually does more harm than good. If you are struggling with something, not coping or having problems in life - you still deserve to be heard and supported, you deserve help irrespective of whether your problems are as bad as others.

Take care MattSA.

Matt SA · ‎27-01-2021

Thanks People - I truly appreciate your support! The Universe is testing my resolve around a few things at the moment!
I think I find self care hard, because when I’m struggling with anxiety I can’t relax into anything to enjoy it. I struggle to talk to my partner because he has MS, is a wheelchair user & recently was made redundant from his job. My role has become the “Polyanna” person who tries to keep his spirits up.

I don’t know if my life is genuinely complicated or if it’s just all in my head.

I think I’m rambling now, so I’ll sign off here. Thanks everyone for the ongoing support.

cheers, Matt

sunnyl20 · ‎29-01-2021

Hi Matt SA,

I'm sorry you are struggling with self-care, it can be difficult, you are right. Being that "pollyanna" person can be very draining - please look after yourself and know that you do not have to be endlessly positive. It sounds like your partner is having a really tough time, and it is caring and wonderful that you are there for your partner and want to keep him afloat but you cannot pour from an empty cup - you need to look after you too! Caring for a loved one can be physically and emotionally difficult, irrespective of how much you want to be involved in their care. You still need a space where you feel you can be open with your struggles and worries and thoughts, and to be able to relax and decompress. I really hope you are able to find that support that you need, whether it is with your partner or with friends, family and/or a health professional.

From what you have described, it really doesn't seem like it is all in your head! And you are not rambling at all - feel free to reach out any time Matt. We are here to listen and support you. Take care.

Guest_4643 · ‎29-01-2021

Hey Matt SA.

I'm sorry to hear about your partner, and you're not rambling at all. Even if you were, that's perfectly OK, that's what the forums are for.

We're here for you.