When be kind to yourself doesn't work

[Fightingself]

I find my anxiety confusing cause i am quite logical and about the evidence but when it comes to being logical about feelings there doesn't seem to be any ground to work off. Does anyone have things they can tell themselves or do instead of being kind to yourself that helps, like logical arguments that make sense, I find this helps. Being kind to yourself and maybe I'm just kind of messed up but i can't quantify the purpose of it. The outcome is supposed to be a happier you I guess? I'm a hard kid I suppose who came from a 'toughen up, run some dirt in it' kind of family though so I guess I think I am being kind by being tough on myself maybe...anyone able to agree or disagree or offer advice? Much appreciated

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Fightingself,

When Blondguy first told me to "be kind to yourself", I spent a lot of time thinking about it.  

My first thought was, "am I being unkind to myself?" and the answer was yes. I had just been diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and had been in chronic pain for some time and yet I was expecting myself to be able to "snap out of it", to be able to be stronger, to cope better.  No one else was expecting it. My husband seemed to just nod his head and go aha yes that makes sense, yet it came as a surprise to me. I went home and did an online survey just to check that I was indeed depressed. 

I can't think as quickly as I normally do. I can't concentrate.  I have side effects from the antidepressants. I can't work. I can't multi-task as I normally would...in fact sometimes 1 task is a challenge now.  I  am in pain constantly.  For some time the anxiety prevented me from leaving the house, from talking with people, from getting out of bed and so on.

The application of "being kind" to me means:

- acceptance that I am different now whether it is temporary or otherwise.  

- not being upset with myself or feeling stupid for not being able to do what I want to do - to work within the limits of the illness. 

-to set a series of smaller more obtainable goals, baby steps.  For example; getting out of bed was a goal. Going for a walk outside. I have goals in terms of what I hope to change when medication works as well. Getting back to work is a big one but before that, being able to concentrate enough to read work related email for example.

-to allow myself to have bad days then pick myself back up and not see it as a step backwards

-to accept help and rely on others more (hard for me as I prefer to be the helper and am fiercely independent).

Just my thoughts, perhaps you too can think of a list of practical ways you can apply "being kind" so it is actionable and not just a feeling.

I don't see the outcome as a happier you although that would be nice. I just see it as a reminder to take smaller steps and to celebrate them.  I think be kind is synonymous with accept change.

Happy to chat and for your opinion to differ... who knows we may come up with more effective ways to manage or a different catch phrase  🙂 

Cheers,

Carol

[blondguy]

Hi FS

Thanks for having the courage to post.

Just a clarification about being 'Being Kind to Yourself' When I had my anxiety, I kept reading in various self help books to 'Love myself' more. I guess I just dont like my own thoughts and could never grasp the thought even though I knew what it meant. I kept reading and found 'just be kind to yourself' That was a lot easier for me.

Being Kind/Gentle to Yourself can be re-tagged many ways...here is all it means...

* Not to fight anxiety....its counter productive and only adds more fuel to the fire

* Calm and True Acceptance of anxiety...not fighting. It takes practice but take the severity out of anxiety attacks

* Find a gentle distraction to occupy your time instead of fighting the anxiety.....Takes practice too

* Getting a good quality sleep...A great foundation to deal with anxiety the next day

These are just a couple of explanations for being kind/gentle to yourself instead of empowering any anxiety by fighting it.

I had the same upbringing as you FS with the 'toughen up' attitude..I understand what you have said. I hope my explanation makes some sense.

Cheers

Paul

[geoff]

dear Fightingself, well I really like what Carol has said because I think it's very good.
I think there are different stages when we have depression that we can begin to be kind to ourselves, it certainly can happen while having a relapse, but when you realise that you do have this illness, it's then impossible to feel any kindness towards ourselves, but as we are coming out of depression, or start to feel better then we can start to be kind to ourselves, so these are at both spectrums, but Carol's reply tops it. Geoff.

[blondguy]

Good Morning Geoff

The thread from FS was anxiety related. I answered it from my experience with having suffered from severe anxiety not depression.

Cheers

Paul

[geoff]

dear Paul, my apologies. Geoff.

[blondguy]

No worries Geoff...I love your little dog..gorgeous...(I always have) 🙂

[Fightingself]

Hey thanks, that is true and helpful, everyone who posted actually I really value it. I have always looked at these forums but this is my first time getting involved. I guess I am just frustrated and get down when I do try and be kind to myself but it seems like something I have to constantly do, requiring effort and therefore have times when I just crash. These times when I crash are really debilitating and never know when they are going to come but have had them all my life and sometimes the anxiety or effort to get better can just be too much. Have tried medication once and then quickly when off it cause I felt much better but now think I should go back on it. I guess it's just hard when you have good times cause they can seem so good and I think I've triumphed only to find that I am then 'stuck' again a few weeks later. To be fair it has been a crazy hard few months with lots going on. I will slowly get there I guess. When I read that there are others out there like you guys it helps, so thanks. 🙂 

[Dwwmills]

Cognitive-based therapy uses logical arguments to tackle feelings. What you feel is based on your beliefs and what you tell yourself about situations and yourself. If you say to yourself “I am useless and never will amount to anything.” You will feel bad. Some of the beliefs we carry around are so ingrained and happened so quickly that we are not conscious of the thought but we experience the feeling associated to it. When you learn how to use CBT it not only helps you find positive logical arguments but it also helps identify the negative illogical beliefs that are driving your emotions.

Being kind to myself for me was to find time to do guided relaxation, some mindfulness, good sleep and spend enough time to learn and practice CBT. In the beginning when my anxiety was high I had to accept that I could not do as much as I used to but that this did not mean that I would not be able to get up to full speed again. What I did not accept though was that anxiety was going to be a major part in my life forever. This did not mean that I was going to beat it but I was going to use every method at my disposal to try. As it turned out a combination of the above and medication for a short while was enough to get on top of the anxiety.

Like you I like to consider myself to be fairly logical. CBT was the backbone of my attack. I would look at what I was thinking tackle it, try and replace it with better beliefs and monitor how this went. If it worked well great, if it didn’t I wasn’t discouraged I would just go back and look at it again and see if I could come up with a better solution.

Learning CBT is like learning any new skill it becomes better with practice. You can’t expect to be good at it to start with. It requires time and lots and lots of practice. While I am off medication now I use CBT to keep track of my thoughts almost daily. Anxiety is no longer a major part in my life.

I hope this helps.

Dean

[JessF]

Hello Fightingself, it may be helpful to think of "being kind to yourself" in terms of its opposite, which would be punishing yourself.  Why would you do this? Because you somehow feel you deserve your predicament? That you're not worthy of getting better? These are thoughts worth exploring. I have fallen into the trap of punishing myself.

There's another thread on here somewhere that asks the question, how can I make myself or motivate myself to do the things that I need to do in order to stay well, and I think the "punishment" idea dovetails with this. Again, why wouldn't you do those things?  

For me, anxiety and depression are very much interlinked, and the depression comes with the exhaustion of feeling that things can't change, or the belief that I'm not strong enough or capable enough to make those changes.