What now?

[Saltbush_boy]

G'day I'm new here I have dementia had coronary by pass and currently in hospital I'm 42 married and very scared of being useless I farm a few sheep and try to grow barley and saltbush and make hey my wife is a conservationist and hates farming I have no liscence and live 40 Klm from town what should I do now she has to take over something she doesn't like I just everyone to be happy

[pipsy]

Hey Saltbush.  Welcome to the forums.   Sorry to hear the predicament you're in.  Do you have any family that could help, or neighbours near enough to help?  Most hospitals do have family help for Dementia sufferers.  You may have to look at selling your property and moving closer to town.  May I ask how bad is the Dementia, if it is manageable at the moment, looking at the long term situation, the Dementia will eventually get the point where your wife is going to need help with you.  While you're in hospital, ask to see someone who can get you some help for your wife and you.  Ask the Dr in charge of your case, or one of the social workers. 

Hope this helps.

[Starwolf]

Hey Saltbush Boy,

Sorry to read you find yourself in this difficult situation. Thanks for introducing yourself and welcome on board. A brave decision.

Becoming dependent-even temporarily-on someone else is not easy but we all need help at times. You and your wife are lucky to have each other. With love, honesty and respect on both sides things can be made to work out.

You say little about your farming occupation. Could anyone else than your wife take over temporarily or help ?

Being a conservationist myself, there's however one thing I can say from this point of view. Asking a conservationist to look after a farm is a big ask. If I had to attempt it, I just wouldn't cope because it goes against my ideological blueprint. It would be soul destroying. I could only do it short-term to help out while an alternative can be found.

You 2 have obviously accepted each other's differences and made it work. A great achievement. Well done ! I think that you need to have a serious conversation with your wife as to what her thoughts are. Perhaps discussing a compromise could work for both of you, bearing in mind that compromises call for adjustments on both sides. Would you both consider altering the way your farm is managed ? Perhaps in a more eco friendly way that wouldn't go against the grain of your wife's inclinations ?

Little can be suggested without knowing all the specific conditions within your marriage, your family and out on the farm, how much, how long your wife would need to be involved in its running. More questions than answers. That's why I think an honest, open discussion is called for. She is the only person who can tell you how she feels about it, what she can do, what she cannot do. You want everybody to be happy, a great attitude. Assuming that she feels the same, putting your heads together should lead to a positive outcome. How do you feel about having this talk ?

What we can do is be here for you, offer support when needed. There are people here with both farming and conservation experience who could perhaps suggest practical solutions or alternatives.

Meanwhile, my thoughts and good wishes are with you. I hope you will post again and let us know how you go.

[Guest_5218]

Hi there Saltbush.  Welcome to the Forums, and well done on posting.

You are only 42, and yet you have been diagnosed with early onset dementia?  Thats rough.  Hopefully it is very early stages and it can be well managed for some time.  However it is a major wake up call for you and plans do need to be put in place sooner rather than later.  

I see you are currently in hospital, is that because of your recent by-pass surgery?  So you are going to need to take things physically easy for a while too I imagine.  Gosh you are way too young for all these health issues!

Saltbush, I read on another thread that you have 3 much loved brothers.  Is one of your brothers currently taking care of the farm for you?  Do you have a succession plan for the farm?  Many farmers do.  You didnt mention whether you and your wife have any children.  So I guess my question to you is: Who would you leave the farm to?  Lets just imagine that you are 90 yo now and fade away of old age in your sleep.  Who would you want to leave your farm to - your wife, your siblings, your children?  Or is it time to consider selling the farm and moving closer to town?  These are all things you are going to need to discuss with your wife.  

I know the affinity that we have for our farms.  I am also from a farming background - fine wool sheep.  And I know the difficulty in considering the sale of something that we put our heart and soul into for our entire lives.

But you say that you just want to keep everyone happy.  Please discuss all options with your wife, and possibly include your brother/s and children (if there are any) in your discussions.

I dont envy you the battles that you are facing Saltbush.  But I'm glad that you have sought advise and support here from the BB Forums.  I expect you will receive lots of help and I hope it helps to make a very difficult journey just that little bit easier.

We are always here for you Saltbush, so I hope you feel comfortable in reaching out to us again.  We are unable to do anything about the dementia, but we can support you emotionally if you allow us.

I wish you the very best of luck Saltbush.

Sherie xx

[Saltbush_boy]

 Hi pipsy thanks for getting in touch my dementia is developing very irradicaly currently on suicide watch in hospital and did not know I was doing it pretty scary when it happens I just black out and don't know what or where talking now of selling and relocating as my wife is a tour operator and I find it unfair for her to stop her passion on closing the gap and showing people our country I would like to hear more story's of determination and you guys sound great thanks

[Saltbush_boy]

Hi and thank you for listening yes I have a few issues the blackouts are the worst cause I stay awake but I'm just not there and have no memory of what I've done or said or taken off too I feel extremely embarrassed when I hear about them and they just happen randomly just feel like my life now is a waste I don't know how to like who I am now 

[Guest_5218]

Hi Saltbush.  Its very easy to listen, so I have the easy bit.  Its you that has the hard task ahead.

You have a lot to contend with, and I am really sorry you are having to go through all this.  Sometimes there just is nothing for it, but to say that 'life is just so very unfair'.  And it certainly sounds like you have been dealt a bad hand here.

All you can do for now is to take the advice of your doctors and specialists, and trust that they know what is best for you.  I am not sure why you are suffering blackouts?  I dont believe it would be from dementia or from any heart problems.  Are they still doing tests on you while you are in hospital Saltbush?  Perhaps they are looking for something else that could be causing these random blackouts.  I hope they discover something Saltbush, because then they have something to treat.  Your heart problems should now be fixed after the by-pass, so thats good.  The dementia can be treated reasonably well now to prevent any rapid deterioration.

I know you feel like your life is a waste right now, but it really isnt.  You have a wife and brothers who love you, and obviously care very much for you.  No doubt they are seriously concerned for your welfare and future right now.  You dont like who you are right now?  You have been hit with a pretty big shock here Saltbush, one that has lifelong repercussions.  It will take some time to adjust.

If the hospital has not already organised a counsellor to visit you, then it would be a very good idea if you could ask to see one. Or get your wife to ask them for you.  I think it would be a big benefit to you, and they can also arrange for any necessary assistance and help that you and your wife may need over the coming months.  They will be able to advise you further.  And always ask questions of your doctors, keep seeking answers.

Hang in there Saltbush.  I'm sure you will start to see a way through all this hardship.  But you are going to need some help.  You will need to ask for it, or have your wife ask on your behalf.

Sherie xx

[pipsy]

Hi Saltbush.  Hoping you're feeling a bit more positive today.  With the blackouts you mentioned, you said you don't actually go to sleep (as it were), you just 'drift off'.  That is either early dementia, or a mild form of epilepsy.  Some epileptics, when their brain 'disconnects' they have the same sensation.  Epileptics don't always have seizures, sometimes it's just as you described.  Their eyes are open, but they're not able to focus because the brain has temporarily 'blocked' the focus.  I had a friend years ago who suffered epilepsy, her eyes would remain open, but appeared to be 'glassy' or 'glazed', she was unable to see anything because of the epilepsy.  Afterward all she could tell you was she couldn't remember for however long she was 'out'.  With dementia, even though the outward appearance seems to be 'everything's alright', your brain temporarily goes into 'shut down' mode.  The difference being, with dementia, suddenly you're in a different place and time in your mind.  You vaguely remember who you are, you'll remember things that are familiar (every day, part of your normal routine things).  Anything that is not a normal part of your life, will appear to be very suspicious.  Epilepsy also has different stages, dementia has early onset, where everyday things don't change, but anything not 'the norm' you become quite suspicious.  Some dementia sufferers become argumentative, abusive, violent, even to loved ones.  Dressing become almost mission impossible, as fast as your nurse/wife dresses you, you undress.  Then become agro when nurse/wife tries to stop you undressing.  It's a very confusing state, more so than epilepsy, because epileptics know they're dressed/undressed, whatever. 

Hope this helps clarify a bit for you.  With my job I've had to deal with dementia sufferers who became extremely agro and argumentative when I tried to explain something their brain couldn't comprehend.