Hi Noz,
I identify strongly with your experience and really empathise with the challenges your facing getting the right medication to support your recovery and sense of ease in the world. I'm also 'in the weeds' of sorting out what works for me but doesn't cause unbearable side effects - it's a really frustrating process that has taken such a long time.
Sophie rightly points out that discussion of specific medications in this forum is fraught with problems, but I also understand your need to find solutions to your anxiety and insomnia. I've lived with these concerns for most of my adult life, and I'm only now coming to understand that 1. management not cure is the goal, and 2. it's okay to have these conditions. Despite knowing intellectually that there is nothing 'bad' about me, I have internalised stigma around poor mental health/emotional sensitivity/ anxiety. The shift now needs to one from the heart.
So, even in the throes of distress, exhaustion and dread, the truth is you are a good person, worthy of care and your condition does not define you. I try to compare my attitude to my condition with my attitude towards a friend with chronic pain or cardiac issues. I wouldn't judge their suffering, need for support or use of medication. This is the same attitude I want to adopt towards myself. Friends and professionals have alluded to this 'mindset' shift over the years but I didn't 'hear' them because I couldn't get my head around the idea that I couldn't be cured of my condition. I have found others judge me much less than I judge myself.
So, communicate your experience and needs clearly with your doctor and as Sophie says, adopt a 'team' approach to your treatment. I think being proactive has been useful in my treatment and care - though not always foolproof! Second opinions are also useful if you are feeling misunderstood.
Wishing you well,
Annas
