Wanting Advice for Family who Gaslights

[CKM]

Hi all,

I've struggled with depression/anxiety for the better part of 7 years now, although I was only officially diagnosed about 7-8 months ago. Recently, my anxiety has taken over my life and I physically can't go to new places or places far away from home without a panic attack.

As per my counsellors help, I've taken small steps to lessen my anxiety and am overall happy with the progress I have made (a few months ago I could not even leave the house for a 5 minute walk around the block). The new things I am able to do without panic now are short, quick walks, driving to the grocery store, and have started to eat at least 2 meals a day. I also passed my drivers test which I was very panicky for, and have overcome but am still nervous about driving on my own. I think I have made good progress for only a few months time.

However, a lot of my family disagrees (specifically my mum and my grandma). They are pressuring me to do many things that I know I am not ready for yet. Such as getting a job, or travelling far away to visit people. I have told them many times I can't do those things yet and that my counsellor told me to keep taking small steps I know I am comfortable with. The problem is, every time my mum visits me we always ended up angry and arguing over my anxiety. I try to tell her what things I can and can't do, but it's not good enough for her. To make matters worse, she often ends up crying and saying things like "how do you think I feel?" and other gaslight-like phrases. Usually when she leaves I breakdown and cry a lot because I am physically unable to explain how I feel in words to her face when she asks me big and overwhelming questions like "why can't you do this?".

I would really like some advice on dealing with family members who are trying to divert my anxiety into their own personal issues when it isn't. And how I can prepare myself to answer questions like why I can't do something, when the simple answer is my anxiety won't let me.

Thanks for reading, any response is appreciated.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I understand totally.

The only correction I'd suggest is that gaslighting isn't why you are describing. Gaslighting is a more rubbery term than it used to be. It originated from a 1940's film about two people related and one trying to drive the other insane.

However, your problem is still annoying as your mother is not understanding nor is displaying a desire to understand. She also is placing doubt on your mental conditions that was diagnosed by professionals with decades of training, training she doesn't have. I find that amusing and it's so common.

There is a few ideas.

Don't discuss the topic. When she suggests you get a job you can say-

- I'll think about it, then change the subject
- "i've got a job, it's called carrying out my doctors directions"
- drift away, just see her a little less.
- suggest she read up on anxiety and depression in particular about how other people's pressures makes your illness worse.

Also Google these-

Beyondblue topic they just wont understand why?

Beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

Beyondblue topic depression and sensitivity a connection?

Beyondblue topic depression and the timing of motivation

Beyondblue topic he helped me for 25years- maharaji

YouTube prem rawat appreciate

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to the forums.

firstly, unless another person has a lived experience, it is difficult to understand what the person with a mental illness is going through. There may not be any physical evidence of it. So if a person looks OK, they must be OK?

Another possible side effect is how a person then communicates and expectations vs reality. I believe you when you say you are unable to get a job yet. I am sure your mother does care yet her language might indicate otherwise or makes it about herself. Perhaps feels sad herself because there is little she can do it make it better.

And your small steps are positives to be celebrated.

You also asked for the some suggestions. Here goes...

1. something my psychologist told me was to say "I wish" vs "I can't" so it will be something like "I wish I could do ... and ... " so for you it might be "I wish I could get a job and I am making improvements in myself to work towards that goal"

2. I can be hopeless when it comes saying what I am feeling, so I can use a feelings wheel to make that easier for myself. Rather than being sad or happy, it could be critical, frustrated, guilty etc.

3. if you want to address the way you talk with your family, use "I" based communication. You could do a google search to find out more about that. If not, I could explain in a future post. Let me know.

Hope some of this help.