Understanding Anxiety, is it even possible?

[TheBigBlue]

It’s been a tough few months, I have been working on my complex trauma & depression & have noticed small improvements.

But I feel like my anxiety is getting worse. So my past 2 sessions with the psychologist have been focused on that. My psychiatrist also prescribed a new anti-anxiety med but I’m yet to notice any effect as yet (it’s only been 6 days use so far).

Anyway, I am truly mystified by my behaviour with the psychologist. I was telling her about the time I was at a party & was too scared to ask for a spoon. It’s sounds incredibly ridiculous, but that’s what happened. I decided not to eat my slice of cake because I was too scared to ask for a spoon!

So the psychologist said let’s practise now. I had to pretend to hold the cake & ask for a spoon. There was no one around except her & I. And I felt so embarrassed & humiliated I couldn’t bring myself to do it. And I burst into tears. A week later I’m still mystified why I found this so difficult????

Today my anxiety was elevated after just talking to the psychologist about my breathing. She wanted me to do the breathing exercises we had practised last week. But I would not do it until she looked away. I just couldn’t stand to be watched while I “breathed”. So she had to turn away from me while I did it & she talked me through it.

What the h*ll is wrong with me???? Then she asked me to say one thing nice about myself. I couldn’t. I told her this & she kept pushing me. I finally come out with “I guess I’m caring”. She said ok, let’s work with that. And she made me repeat after her numerous times “I am a caring person & that is why people like me”. Over & over. She was waiting for me to say it in an affirmative manner. When I finally did she praised me & said to give myself a pat on the back. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t feeling any achievement, didn’t feel like a deserved a pat on the back. She mentioned that I have some very negative core beliefs (we’ve been through all that previously) but as it turns out, It seems I can’t accept praise from others or even praise myself without feeling awkward, embarrassed, humiliated.

i don’t understand why feel this way? Why is anxiety so hard to live with & understand?

why do I do the things I do?

does anyone else find their daily lives messed up because of anxiety or missed opportunities because your anxiety? Or am I the only sad soul out there who doesn’t fit into this world? 😢

[uncut_gems]

Hi TheBigBlue,

Your post really, really, resonates with me. I remember quite well that feeling of shame, embarrassment, and eventually tears that would come with "acting out" some scenarios in therapy regarding social anxiety. I personally found the process itself so anxiety-inducing as to be a fairly useless therapeutic exercise, and while I have since improved a lot, the thought of it still freaks me out a bit.

Visits to a psychologist are quite valuable, and I think it's important to make sure you get the most out of each one. Your therapist is your doctor and carer, but you are also in a professional relationship with them: you pay them money for a service, and I think it's perfectly appropriate to share that a certain approach or activity made you uncomfortable.

I remember once as a kid in therapy, the psychologist noticed that I was avoiding eye contact and told me that Freud had his patients lay down because they found it to be easier to look at the ceiling while talking. As soon as he said it I knew it would help me, but I was too afraid to use my voice and tell him that that was what I needed. But these things have a cascading effect– you get a tiny bit better, so you feel more relaxed and confident to share with the therapist what you want and need, so you get even better.

It can be a long, frustrating process and it isn't always easy to see that you're making progress, even when you are. All this to say, you are definitely not alone in feeling like this!

Warmly,

Gems