Unable to talk to partner about anxiety

[Hayleyp]

I have suffered severe health anxiety for many years now, on and off. I have times where I am travelling along quite normally and find the health anxiety hits when I am under pressure at work, or I have a lot of time on my hands to thinks, such as during the holidays. My husband really is the best, but I cannot talk to him about my health anxiety anymore, because I don’t think he understands it. He will usually have a joke and say ‘what have you got this time?’

I think this is part of the reason I get so stressed because I feel as if I have to internalise it all and it is driving me crazy! Hence the reason I am looking for a psychologist to speak to. Is it common for a partner to come along to a session, so they can actually understand the impact that this anxiety can have on me??

my husband knows I am on anti anxiety medication again, thinks I don’t need it! Don’t get me wrong he is the best husband and father, but I just don’t think he gets it! Is there anyone else in this situation who can give me some advice?

[smallwolf]

Hi Hayleyp,

Welcome to beyond blue.

I won't be able to answer your questions directly. Sorry. but hope you might get some ideas from here...

As much as my wife is supportive of me and my depression, anxiety and SI, you are right when they always get it. For me, however I will internalise it because otherwise I will blurt out what is in my mind, and it probably would not make sense. In fact, when I had to explain what I had to me wife, I took her out to a cafe, mainly so there would be no distractions, kids not around etc. But I started by asking her if she knew what it was to have anxiety and depression. Some might say that it is just worry, but that is just part of it. So I would explain it all to my wife.

As far as speaking to a psychologist, your GP should be able to refer you to someone. And when you get there you could chat about the possibility of including your husband. Or you cover that bit with the staff when you organise your appointment.

There are also resources on the beyond blue web site that you might so also show your husband...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety

Not sure if your husband would read any library books about anxiety?

As far as the medication is concerned, I know the effect medication can have. Without it, my chest tightens, heart races etc. I still get sweaty palms, extremely jumpy, but at least I don't feel like a heart attack about to happen.

And if not your husband, is there anyone else you can speak to? Siblings? Parents? Friends?

I would also invite you to write down your thoughts on paper (or here)? Somewhere to put them so they do not consume your mind.

As I said, I hope some of this helps,

Tim

[blondguy]

Hello Hayleyp

Smallwolf (Tim) above has posted some valuable thoughts above

I understand that your husband is a great dad and partner...no worries there Hayley. The forums are a non judgemental place for you to say whats on you mind...No one will judge you or your husband here

Can I ask if you have anxiety attacks or health anxiety or both? Its only so we can provide more effective support

Yes it is common for a partner to attend counseling as its in the sufferer's best interests not to mention the invaluable support a partner (husband or wife) can provide by just being there to enhance recovery

I started to get anxiety attacks when I was 23 and its was awful Hayley. I was ignorant and put off taking meds until I was 35. The trouble is that sometimes an anxiety condition can exacerbate without counseling/meds

Its only my humble opinion Hayley if thats okay....Your husband's presence in your appointments would enhance your recovery...no matter how long it takes. After 35 years of anxiety (in recovery now) I have only just realized that the earlier this awful condition is treated the better our recovery will be

You are an amazing person to be so proactive with your health Hayley! Good1

Any questions are more than welcome

I hope you can post back when its convenient for you

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Hayleyp]

Thank you both for your replies. At the moment I feel really up and down, as in I am feeling good for a couple of hours and then BAM! There is a muscle twitching, those awful thoughts fill my head and the relentless googling begins again....reading and rereading the same information I have read hundreds of times.

I guess I have severe health anxiety constantly...my body always feels like it is in fight or flight mode, sometimes I can disguise it better than other times, which is why I feel reasonably normal during those times, but the thoughts are always there!

i have an appointment with my GP on Monday to get a referral to a psych and then I’ll go from there...at this stage I just want to feel normal and do my job and live my life without these thoughts...I love my job and I love my life but I hate what this anxiety is doing to me! I can’t enjoy either of them at the moment!

thanks again for your replies...it really is eye opening to see how many people struggle with the same things, when in reality I feel so alone in my struggle.

[blondguy]

Hi Hayley

Thanks heaps for posting back!

Having this awful anxiety is horrible yet very common....yet some good news!! Anxiety levels do decrease over time with frequent counseling..(and meds if prescribed to help us during our recovery)

Good on you for making that appointment with your GP!

Anxiety issues are no different than physical issues. Just because some people cant see broken bones doesnt mean that we dont have an injury

Great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family Hayley

if you are stuck there are many super kind and non judgemental people on the forums that can be here for you!

I hope you can post back when its convenient

you are not alone at all Hayley

Paul

[Hayleyp]

Hi again...I ended up going to my GP today and having a good chat about all things anxiety. I am going back next week for a longer appt so he can do a GP mental health plan or whatever it’s called and refer me to a psych for some help.

He also increased the dose of the medication I am on to see if jay makes a difference, and checking bloods for hormone levels, thyroid function etc

As for my partner, my GP did say that people who have not experienced anxiety at our level find it very hard to understand, because they cannot understand why we can’t just turn our thoughts off! Very interesting chat with him and I’m lucky to have a great GP who told me he’ll help me get sorted!

i am finding the forum very helpful too...so thank you all 😊

[smallwolf]

Hi Hayley,

You were right...it is a mental health plan.

There are also some resources on the beyond blue web site for partners that you might be able to show your partner to read. Of course, how you experience anxiety will likely be different to me. My wife has as thyroid condition also. The symptoms or side-effects of that are different to other people with the same condition.

I would have a conversation with my wife to explain how depression and anxiety "worked" in me. And if/when you do see a psych, you will be able to find other words to help explain to your partner what you are feeling.

Tim

[therising]

Hi Hayleyp

So glad for you that you are on a positive path to managing the anxiety. Your GP sounds like an absolute champion, reassuring you, requesting the blood tests etc. It can be empowering to have an action plan put in place, with the help of someone who's truly invested.

I get where you're coming from in regard to your husband. During my years in depression, my husband was super supportive yet didn't really grasp the complexity of depression. He's an old school sort of guy where you just 'pull your socks up and get on with life'. Of course, there can be so much involved in any mental health condition. To give you what I find to be a handy and very basic sort of analogy:

For a vehicle to function there must be a certain amount of chemistry (petrol and other fluids) surging through multiple systems. There must also, of course, be sparking to generate a certain amount of power. The sparking, chemistry and state of the multiple systems is what gives us a smooth or not so smooth ride.

Our vehicles are a little similar in a way Hayleyp. The way we spark (our neurons fire), the chemistry that surges through us and the state of our multiple interactive internal systems is what dictates our performance to a degree. Of course, unlike a car, we can't just turn off because that would be fatal so it becomes a matter of fine tuning everything whilst understanding why our systems are behaving the way they are.

Yes, we're far more complex than a motor vehicle - we're conscious beings - therefor what triggers our performance is occasionally going to involve a lot more investigation than just checking what's under the hood (our physical aspects). How our thoughts interact with the physical aspects of our self can definitely complicate things. How our thoughts impact our autonomic nervous system is pretty mind blowing. How a thought can alter, more specifically, our sympathetic nervous system (related to fight/flight/freeze) is incredible. Finding a 'mechanic' for the mind/brain is sometimes essential.

With my husband working in the automotive industry, I've been able to give him a slightly better understanding when it comes to how complex we really are in a number of ways. Being able to get people to relate in a way that's meaningful to them is often key to sharing greater understanding.

Take care Hayleyp and I look forward to hearing of your progress