Trying but hard to get things done

[Ged5]

I'm 55 and moved back to my home town to look after my father with dementia, I'm struggling with anxiety which I've had on and off for long time. Started back on some medication and looking to get back into see psychologist. Was involved in activity's but since anxiety has come back struggling to get out and be involved in things. Working hard to get back on track but hard with my mum as I am struggling to communicate with her and give her the conversation she deserves. Having a good day then a not so good day after getting hopes up as I think I'm coming good. I try and do what I can to contribute in the house but feel guilty as mum and dad should be reliant on me now.

[Croix]

Dear Ged5~

First off I'm sorry your dad has dementia, a very upsetting thing, as you see the person you loved and knew well change and become more limited. I hope he remains happy, not impossible I know from personal expereince.

Coming back to look after your parents is a very loving action, particularity as you face your own problems with anxiety, which can itself be crippling at times.

Frankly there is nothing you should feel guilty about. Even if you believe your parents should be able have your support they can only have as much as you have to offer. You may have some notion abut how to talk with your mum, but it may come out differently, plus she has to contribute too. It would I'm sure be hard for her with you dad's condition however if all you can offer is love then that is enough. Words are not always necessary.

Are there other family members who can help too?

Anxiety can be an up-down process. I have that condition and at some times it is mild, other times almost crippling. I"m lucky to have someone whose views I respect and they can normally talk me down to a more sensible level when my fears are over the top.

I'm glad you are seeking help for it, I found that therapy, medication, self help with mindfulness and family support have given me back a life well worth living.

Please do not take too much burden on yourself, you do what you can and that has to be enough.

There is a notice in passenger planes that sums it up:

"Put oxygen mask on self before trying to help others"

You wil always be welcome here

Croix

[Illbeok]

"You can't pour from an empty cup"... That's what I was told when I was caring for my sister... I think it was so true for me, I needed to take care of myself in order to help them (At the end, I believe she felt she was so loved.) Please take care! 

[Ged5]

Thank you for your kind words.

[Ged5]

Thank you

[therising]

Hi Ged5

Your parents are so blessed to have someone so caring as their child. I'm sure they feel this too. 

It's definitely tough going with aging parents and the challenges they face. How our parents progress can definitely test us in so many ways, more than we may realise. I recall a few years back when my dad was in the mild to moderate stages of dementia. I couldn't work out why I was becoming so anxious a lot of the time, with this factor and a number of other factors on top of it. It was my wise daughter who pointed out something I'd not considered. She mentioned that with the many challenges we face in life we eventually can feel a sense of closure or completion at the end of each challenge. We can feel cortisol levels drop back to somewhat calm levels. She mentioned, in regard to my father, because it's an ongoing challenge (progressing through dementia) there's no ability to feel a sense of closure. Instead, we can be waiting for the challenges to become even greater in some cases. In the case of carers, not having free time away from certain stresses can create a build up of stress also. While my Dad's in age care now, I couldn't have managed a major transitional time in my Dad's life without my brother's help. While they say 'It takes a village to raise a child', it can also take a village (a variety of people) to help our parent/s through an incredibly challenging time in life. Be kind to yourself as you face not just your Mum and Dad's challenges but also your own in this situation. Dementia presents such an incredibly emotional lot of challenges, that's for sure.

Perhaps you could ask your mum what she'd like to talk about or maybe where she'd like to go out to. Even if you offer to look after your dad while she goes out for a break, I imagine she'd appreciate it. See if she has any suggestions for guiding you through a time in your life that, technically, you've never had to face before (with aging parents). Something else to maybe give thought to could involve developing some calming exercises to do with your Dad or even your mum. Not only will calming exercises help with your Dad's dementia, you could develop and practice techniques that could serve you too. Bit of a Google search, 'Calming exercises to help someone with dementia' could offer a few ideas. If you're someone who's inclined to feel other people's stress, as well as your own, maybe some techniques could help calm your mum so that you're no longer feeling her stress.

[Ged5]

Thank you for the advice and kind words