triggered by mums medical chores

[David35]

I have been getting panic attacks recently triggered simply by medical chores, such as filling scripts, helping mum recover after tooth surgery, trying to answer her myriad of questions. After living with her cancer treatment for 2 years she has literally done my head in. Now the small things blow up into big things. If she's constipated, she must have bowel cancer, after all her mum did. If she has an age spot, it must be skin cancer. The problem is that now its affected me. I literally snap and start yelling. The stress of her cancer treatment, the way she has been stuffed around by GPs and pharmacists over scripts for anti anxiety medication that have been revoked 3 days after her treatment stopped. How do I stop reacting so negatively to such a simple task? I just want the old mum i once knew back.

[Mark Z.]

Hi David35,

I'm sorry to hear about the challenges and stress you're facing. I can tell that you're dealing with a lot, both  supporting your mum and managing your own emotional responses. It must be very hard for you.

I think open communication with your mum about how you're feeling is important. This doesn't mean unloading your stress on her, but letting her know that certain behaviours are impacting you can be a step towards finding a better balance. And it's okay to take breaks when you're feeling overwhelmed. Establishing limits on how much you can handle each day can help manage stress.

For your mum, reassuring her with factual information may help. When she expresses fears about her health, calmly discussing the facts and encouraging her to speak with her doctor might alleviate some of her anxieties. 

There are support groups for caregivers and family members of those with cancer. These groups provide a space to share your experiences and learn from others who are in similar situations. I guess there might be resources provided by the hospital where the cancer treatment was. You can also feel free to call Beyondblue hotline for some resource referral.

Hope everything will be better.

Warmly,

Mark

[David35]

Thanks. I'm just another hidden casualty in this insidious disease called cancer. Communication helps though.

[tranzcrybe]

You are on the front line for all your mum's fears and being the sounding board for how to process (and resolve) things outside your understanding/control.

Add this to your desire to wind the clock back to how things were, plus dealing with the changes in real time, you are faced with an impenetrable frustration and helplessness.

Should she have a carer to give you a break? A few days a week can really make a difference to improve your outlook and take stock of the situation.

Separating your roles as carer and son is also important to finding balance:

There is time to work, but also time to show simple connection by being there to listen and foster acceptance that you can only do your best under the circumstances.

Taking this time out can help put things into perspective for you as well as offer reassurance for mother during this ordeal.

[David35]

You're right. Thanks

[David35]

I think it's that frustration of watching her age, the loss of personality and the helplessness with her health that causes me these panic attacks. Even though her health is okay now, every small thing blows up into a big thing not only in her mind,but my own mind too. This never used to happen. But this burnout I've been suffering has lowered my tolerance and now I've been diagnosed with PTSD due to the trauma associated with the potential loss of my mum and also the memories of watching my dad go through a similar situation. The anger I feel because no-one else helped me besides a few close relatives, one of which was NOT my own brother. This seems to fuel the panic of feeling like I have to have the answers all the time for mum, which I don't. The last argument ended up in her finally ringing the dentist and it was a relief. Finally, she turned to using facts to alleviate her fears, rather than my hollow reassurances.

[Mark Z.]

Hi David,

I can tell that dealing with the illness of a parent, watching them age, and feeling the weight of responsibility can be extremely difficult. It's good to know that your mum sought answers herself from the dentist. You can keep encouraging her to be as independent as possible, this should alleviate some of the pressure on you and help her feel more in control of her situation.

Meanwhile, taking care of yourself is equally important. Think about establishing daily self-care rituals that help you unwind and relax. Such as reading a book, taking a walk, or practicing mindfulness meditation.

I agree with tranzcrybe's idea to engage a carer or a support worker so that you will have a break. It's important to acknowledge your feelings and seek support when needed. It's not just beneficial for you, but it also puts you in a better position to care for your mum.

Warmly,

Mark

[therising]

Hi David

You've been going through so much, with all the challenges you've faced over time when it comes to caring so much. If we sat and wrote a list together of all the big and all the tiny little itty bitty things along the way, I imagine you'd be amazed by just how much you have done in the way of caring for your mum. The tiny little itty bitty things definitely add up over time. You might even say, while getting the the end of that list, 'No wonder I feel the way I do. It all makes complete sense. I can't believe how well I've actually coped up until now, given everything on that list'. You might even be completely shocked by that list. A massive amount of credit to you, helping someone through one of the hardest times of their life.

While my dad now lives in aged care and my mum uses a lot of home services offered through My Aged Care, I've found more time freed up to simply sit and have a coffee with them, for example, as opposed to finding the time for a relaxed coffee amongst all the problems to be solved or issues to be resolved. I still take them to some appointments (depending on how challenged they're feeling in life when it comes to their mental and physical wellbeing) but, overall, the services they've gained have offered great relief in the way of the stress I was facing up to a point. Last year it got to the point where I wasn't coping well at all. My mental health was suffering horribly. While the old saying goes 'It takes a village to raise a child', I'd have to say it also takes a village to raise a parent at certain times in their life.

[David35]

TheRising,

Thanks. It has been a lot to deal with, especially considering my father has left this world, and now my brother in a virtual sense too. Some days it feels like I've run an emotional marathon. I'm just not aware that it's finished and so I'm still struggling to unwind/relax. My mum needs a great deal of emotional support. Physically she is able, apart from dizzy spells now and then which cause her to lose her balance. But she is too stubborn to use a walker / walking stick and any suggestions just result in anger and abuse.

Sometimes it takes an outsider to recognise my efforts. Because all I know is I'm exhausted.