The most honest words I've ever shared.

[chloe33]

Most people in my life would not believe what I do to myself. Do not see the scars that appear after I have been covered up for months and months. I have a full time job, people lean on me for support and I work hard. I smile and laugh, telling lies about how great life is. I also feel like I am dying inside. I have self harmed for going on 10 years now and suffered from panic attacks for 8. At times I feel strong, mostly I feel broken. Is this all life has to offer?

In the last few weeks I have tried some online chats and get cut off because I'm taking too long. I have great difficulty expressing myself to anyone as I am so scared of what goes on inside my head and constantly thinking about how pathetic I sound. I spoke face to face to a psychologist twice, but never managed to discuss the self harm. They focussed on the panic attacks and I never had the guts to take the conversation elsewhere. I never managed to make a follow up appointment as I am terrible with the telephone. I do not discuss this with my family and I never will. I can not physically get the words out. I feel too ashamed. So, this is my first online post.

I do not know what to do or what to say. I have never been the happiest of people, but recent changes in my life have made it almost unbearable. All I do is work, sleep and cry. I experience happiness but I don't remember the last time I felt relaxed and content. I envy people who are suicidal because I would love to be away from this all. I think that confuses me even more. I have had serious thoughts before but I feel like this is the worst I have ever felt but I know I will not do it. It's both a blessing and a curse to have things that tie me here. Sounds utterly crazy, I know.

Even now as I write this I wonder at the use. I have read a lot of information about anxiety, self harm and depression and continue to feel at a loss about what to do. I am now trying to reach out it a way that is less confronting than face to face. These are probably my darkest days so far yet I am desperate for help. Ppl will mention to go to a gp, but I cannot find one I trust. A friend? I'm not ready to burn those bridges. Family? I will never tell them. 

I am a respected professional.I have been living like this for years and surviving. I am now so tired of surviving.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[geoff]

dear Chloe, I would really like to welcome you with open arms to this BB site, where there are hundreds I would say who have posted many confidential posts about their own circumstances and that they have not felt comfortable in talking to their family or indeed any friends that are still staying with them.

It's an anonymous place where no one knows who you are, or what you look like, except if you decide to place a photo of yourself, just as I have.

How often do people suffering from any type of depression offer help to other people, but in reality it's this particular person who needs all the help they can get, but they don't feel at all comfortable in talking about themselves and the concerns that they have, and this is where their problem begins.

Your first priority is now to look after yourself and stop being the sounding block for everyone else, because this only deepens your own problems.

Now before I continue I would like you to click under 'Get Support' at the top of this page, where there will be a list of doctors, some near you and some not, but these doctors are aligned to BB and specialise specifically in mental health, and by saying mental health we have to realise that we do have a problem and accept that we need help.

When you have made an appointment I suggest that you write down what is troubling you and this includes the self harm on a piece of paper so that you can just hand it to the doctor, this will then overcome your fear of starting the conversation, and please I beg of you to mention those 10 years of self harm.

They are experienced doctors who have seen pretty well everything and what has happened to you will not be of any shock, only great concern to help you.

I would be interested in knowing what you used to enjoy, but as I'm running out of characters I'll have to finish, but before this you need to feel secure with your doctor first, before you can be encouraged into enjoying yourself.

I hope to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[Beltane]

hi chloe, along with geoff i too would like to welcome you here with open arms. please feel free to post as often as you like, in this thread, and feel free to join other threads. you might find comfort by reading some of the other threads as there are many people on these forums who have mentioned the concerns you have- self-harm, suicidal thoughts, feeling unable or unwilling to speak to family or friends.

there are also many here who share your feelings of being "unable to talk", cant get the words out or feel they do not have anyone they wish to share it with.

In this day and age mental illness is still a huge stigma- we still live in a society that judges mental illness harshly and expects people to "get it together" "get over it". it is an extremely misunderstood illness, infact very few people even seem to realise it is actually an illness and not just "a case of being ungrateful or weak".

I have been where you are, feeling so helpless, so lost, in so much suffering that the only way out seems to be death. for years i honestly believed that there wasnt a life worth living for me, that i would never get better. I tried therapy but found it ridiculously unhelpful. i tried various antidepressants but they just seemed to make me more ill.

this went on for about 8 years, until i got to a point a year ago where i honestly, truly believed that i was never going to get better, that i was stuck that way. It was a very dark time as i too contemplated suicide.

i am lucky that i did have a family memebr to confide in, and their support gave me strength. i continued to seek further help, and emergency crisis psych teams got involved. id didnt have to go to hospital but i did receive very fast hep from psychiatrists. finally i thought, i had nothing to lose by speaking the truth about my innermost feelings. it was the hardest thing i ever had to do, and i remember that once i started talking it all just came spewing out, i talked for probably a solid hour, crying through most of it.

i was rediagnosed as bipolar, i got on to a bipolar med, and for the first time in 8 years i started to feel normal again. i got a therapist i actually felt comfortable with for the first time ever and it changed my life.

i am now happy, calm, stable, and "in remission" as i dont have any symptoms of depression, bipolar, or anxiety. i have a fulltime job i love, a long term healthy relationship, wonderful hobbies and friends. life is wonderful and i'm so glad i get to enjoy it.

[chloe33]

Thanks Geoff and Beltane for your replies. There is something quite soothing about having others support and acknowledge what I have to say. Even though it is still very hard to do. I sit here now with the familiar increased heart rate, butterflies and buzzing throughout my body because I feel that I have no right to be here.

I can function, well, at my job I can function. My personal life is pretty much non existent these days. The thought of admitting defeat however fills me with fear. I feel ok today. Tired and headachy, but ok. Whether that is because I spoke out rather than hurting myself last night, or because I can spend the day in bed today if I need to, I don't know.

There are not a lot of support services around me so I tend to try and deal with everything on my own. My head is now swimming with information I have read but I continue to be too anxious and overwhelmed to take any further steps. This was a huge step for me and I hope as it is it doesn't send me into a shame spiral. And I will work hard at that.

There are many things I used to enjoy and still do. I have a lot of trouble finding the time these days. If I'm not doing house work or work work I feel like I am wasting time and then it's a vicious cycle of feeling this crippling anxiety because of everything I have to do and self loathing that I am lazy. I love to be creative, painting, drawing, writing, playing instruments, crafting. I enjoy walking, running and yoga. I used to love shopping but I feel detached and like I can't quite wake up when I shop alone these days. I don't quite know how to find a balance.

I have read a lot of other posts and it is comforting to read about others stories and journeys. There are many success stories which gives me a glimmer of hope. I will try to find a way of seeking help because I do know I don't want to go on like this for much longer.

[Beltane]

When I was deiressed am anxious, I felt very tired all the time. Everything was an effort. Also, telling yourself awful things like "I don't feel like I deserve to be here because there are people worse off"- that's a very typical anxiety thing. That's what ajxiety and deoression dies, it tells us we're worthless, useless, that we don't deserve help, that we are weak.

that is your illness talking. Perhaps it would help you to remember that- it is not truth, it is not helpful- it is the words of an illness that attacks the mind. 

might I suggest a tgerapy book that really helped me deal with those kind of thoughts? It's called "the happiness trap" by dr Russ harris and the ideas in the second half of the book on how to deal with those thoughts changed my life.

also recognising that you only have limited hours in the day and limited energy reserves. Its easy to get caught up in the housework and all those boring chores- cooking dinner, laundry, vacuuming, all those other chores. I certainly understand the need to keep those things up to the stabdards you think they should be. But they aren't what I call "helpful life habits".

i believe that overcoming anxiety and deoression is a complex thing, involving therapy, possibly medication, life changes etc. 

Maybe reading a therapy book like the one I suggesyed is one way to ease yourself into the world of therapy. Maybe try schedyling an hour per night to do a "helpful life habit". By this I mean something that you truly want to do. Now you're not going to have the energy to go out every night. That's ok. It's about giving yourself permission to not be ok, to let go of the stabdards you hold yourself to. Give yourself an hour to go nap in bed, to read a book. Maybe once a week try to go and do a yoga class. 

Yeah irs hard. Deoression makes you not want to do abything. But if only fir an hour a week, those "helpful life habits" will evebtually help you feel better. At first it'll seem like you're forcing yourself to do them. But over time, if you pick things that truly have meaning to you, you'll eventually find yourself enjoying them again. 

It's hard, but not impossible. And life on the other side of deoression- when you recover- is beautiful. I love life!! It's full of laughter and music, I explore and love trying out new hobbies, going new places. life is wonderful. Because you remember what it was like to not enjoy it. I love life 

[RB33]

Hey Chloe33

I'm replying to this thread becuase your last sentence hit me - I felt your exhausion whilst reading it and because I can relate.

"I have been living like this for years and surviving. I am now so tired of surviving.

Today I had another massive unexplained panic attack - after this one I searched the net for answers and came across this forum - I found it very tough explaning the inner anguish these panic attacks is having on my existence but I have things to accomplish in this life and I won't accomplish them unless I start talking to someone but like you I find it very hard to talk about this. 

I just wanted to say I understand your pain - I know surving can be tiring and I mean tiring - but you will be amazed how much genuine hope can come into your life when you start to search for it by asking for help or just someone who understands.

Posting on this thread is a good step forward for both of us -  keep talking and keep posting its a good build up until your ready to take the next step to speak with someone in person 

Your not alone.

[chloe33]

RB33, thank you for replying. I always nice to hear from someone going through the same thing.. I found it helpful to  read about the physiological effects of panic attacks. It helped me to identify what was happening to me and then try and manage that. Took a few years, but I was able to reduce it so at least no one knew at the time what was happening to me. It always made me feel stronger when I could take some control.

Thanks beltane for your reply. I have researched the happiness trap and it looks good. I will order a copy and try to work through  the exercises.

 xx