Struggling with change

[Beethoven48]

I’ve been in travel for 25 years but extremely unhappy in my current workplace. I started looking for a new travel job in Nov2019 but the pandemic hit and I became stuck having no idea what to do.

My boss is a micromanager, watching like a hawk and badgering on every little thing, whether it’s done right or not. Repeatedly asking the same questions over again, pestering to double check everything, to contact or follow up clients every 5 mins. Makes you feel like you can’t do the job without supervision and you don’t know what you’re doing, can’t and don’t do anything right, like you’re in primary school and you can’t be trusted. There’s no encouragement, recognition, appreciation or incentive, and we have not been treated fairly or equally during the last year.

I’m the youngest in the office by 15-23 years. My two colleagues have screaming matches in the office. One is the type that has been everywhere, done everything, worked for every company, met all the famous people etc. The other whinges and complains about everything under the sun - constantly. It’s a very negative, toxic workplace.

I can’t envision an alternative that I’d enjoy doing. Apart from limited transferable skills like admin I don’t really have any other experience. I’m an introvert and not very assertive or competitive and don’t see my myself as a “salesperson”.
Things like ‘meet kpi’s’, ‘sales driven’, ‘superstar’ and ‘team player’ etc. in job ads put me off. I see expectations so high that I can’t possibly meet them.
I’ve applied for 16 and had a couple of interviews this year, but finding it extremely difficult. Jobkeeper ends soon and I’m not eligible for Jobseeker. I’m desperate to get away but don’t know what to do or which direction to take, afraid of jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

I’ve always found it very difficult to connect with people and have virtually 1-2 close friends. My immediate family are quite close and supportive, though perhaps not fully aware of my anxiety. My partner is also supportive but doesn’t have an empathetic personality.
My Dad was also an introvert and developed Parkinson’s and dementia very quickly and passed away in 2019. I see a lot of him in me and worry I’m becoming like him but don’t have any control over it.

I feel very unsure, isolated, alone, lost and disconnected, even emasculated - like I don’t fit in or belong anywhere. My anxiety is through the roof, while happiness and confidence are in the basement.

[Zeity]

I hung on every word you wrote. I resonated with your job environment and even paused to think "did we work at the same place?" My last job chipped away at my soul till I too believe there is nothing else out there. Sometimes the only way out of a situation, is to get out of it. First week in January I resigned from an 8 year job that took far more from me than I realised. Finding a job that spoke to me on SEEK was so hard but I joined a job agency because they provide jobs with people that have physical challenges and also suffer from anxiety and depression. With their help I applied for jobs out of my comfort zone simply to just allow myself permission to try something new AND ALSO BE EMPOWERED to say "Nuh, not for me." You cant thrive in a toxic environment. I convinced myself for years "This is as good as it gets for me" I was only out of work for 4 weeks before landing a new job...in a new field...in a new work environment. Much better circumstances on all accounts but I'm still carrying heavy emotional baggage from my last job. I'm waiting to be harassed, get in trouble even just hear someone curse...but I have to accept that the environment that I survived for almost a decade isnt the norm. You can learn something new. You can work for supportive management. I know the anxieties I am feeling are self inflicted. All I'm going to say is that WE deserve to feel safe, respected and supported in the workplace. WE deserve to have an occupation that only occupies some of our time not all of it. WE deserve better and WE are worth it. YOU, Beethoven48 deserve better. It will be a massive adjustment...but you forget about how many adjustments in your life you have already overcome. We need to be kind to our minds and project a future that we want to be apart of. Believe to receive. Good Luck. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

[Beethoven48]

Thank you so much for replying Zeity. Though I’m not glad there are others in toxic workplaces, it is nice to know I’m not the only one. I too worry about the baggage it has created and how long it will take to get over.

One of the hardest things is that this situation is not my fault. If it weren’t for COVID I would have easily been able to find something else in travel, and not be suddenly forced to search for something new. So as scary as it is, my search for enjoyment, balance, and something I believe in doing, continues.

Thanks again.

[ThomasJakeLim]

Hi there I feel every word you say. I have invested alot of work into my last job but went pear shape after restructuring. Like you..I am still asking myself what next? It's tough and makes me anxious. Anxious about losing the old and not knowing the new. I try to see the future as a new learning experience rather than new challenges to cope better. I have good and bad days and learn to take breaks to regroup my emotions.

[Guest_1643]

hi!

i really have always struggled with the job application process which just makes me feel inadequete. I don't have confidence in a lot of the areas they deem crucial and play-up in the ads... and it just makes me feel like - why would you want to hire me?
it sounds like a really toxic workplace and yet i can hear the sighs of recognition reverberating accross the forums - sadly, a lot of ppl here have described having toxic workplaces, or experiences with workplace bullying.

It does bring you down to work in a toxic workplace, and yet, over time it does become harder to leave.
It's okay to leave. Although you can't see urself working in another field/job just yet.... that could change. The future might surprise you.