Struggling so much

[HelenM]

Life is not good.  Three weeks ago my anxiety worsened.  I'd been having five or more good days between a bout of about a week.   About six weeks ago I had to go for a scan for a post menopausal bleed. Uncertainty is a MASSIVE problem for me.  My fear was that the stress would make me severely depressed again.  I wasn't worried about my physical health. I know that doesn't make sense. I was so scared that I ended up going private even though the Dr said it would be only three weeks wait.  Since then,  apart from a handful of days three weeks ago things have been very bad. I get the odd afternoon or evening when my mood is OK.  Normally when I'm unwell my mood never becomes worse. Most of this is fear. Fear of my mental illness. I think as time goes on I'm more afraid. I carry on and I'm very lucky that I'm able to continue my routine. I don't think Christmas is making me worse though I'll be glad when it's over. If I don't reply to any post for a while it's because computers stress me a lot. I said the other week (though most unclearly)  that I wish I was an old lady. Then I would only have a short while left.

. I hope you know what I mean. Life is very hard just now. A change in meds isn't possible.  Because it's kept me well for so long they think it would be risky to change it.    Thanks for reading. I know you care.  Helen  x

[Kazzl]

I just want to say thank you for this thread Helen. I've had a few 'light bulb moments' reading through it. Neil I'm going to seek out your list because your post really resonated with me. As did the conversation about being too open or too private. I've been very open about depression and alcoholism at work, and when things are not good, I fear I've been too open, that I've been labelled and consequently misunderstood or pitied. Yet people thank me for being open. I also understand that feeling of disconnection - when I'm not well I sometimes feel like I'm going through the motions but not really there.

Helen, like CW I can only say hold onto the memories of good days and know they will come again. I cling to the thought that 'this too will pass' when I'm sinking. And it does. Strength to you hun, and thank you.

Kaz

[Manda85ballarat]

Hi Helen,

I can't solve your problem but I can definitely relate. I have been feeling the same way and my panic attacks have been horrible. I guess the main thing to remember is that it will pass and as Kazzl said remember the good days and treasure them. 

Now if only I could take my own advice.

 Take care

 Amanda

[HelenM]

Hi Kazzl and Manda      

This too shall pass.  Like you Manda I find it very hard to take my own advice. But all things change.  One of the symptoms of mental illness is that you're stuck. In depression/anxiety our emotions are the driving force and so when we try to use our rational mind those very powerful emotions kick them out. When I have a good day I can see through it all. And then I go down and 'realise' that my rational mind got it wrong.

I find the threads can suggest new directions -  some help, some don't, but all those different ideas spur me on. 

.that line is meant to be at the end of the next paragraph. 

I'm glad Kazzl that this thread is helpful to you. Sometimes,  someone says something (all those S's make that phrase alliteration, I think (a term in literature). And the way they say it make you see it differently. And so that lovely light bulb moment. 

Lovely talking to you both. And anyone else on here.  Regarding everyone who uses this site, a saying comes to mind, and whilst some may not like it I find it amusing.    

   'Life is a sea of s**t  and we have got window seats.'  

love to you all,  Helen  

[Guest_1055]

Hey Helen

I hope you are struggling less today, and if not.... please, please know I care about you. Sending you a huge hug.

Shelley anne xx

[HelenM]

Hi Shelley Anne      

I'm having some better days thanks. Last night we had our twin grandsons staying the night. My husband goes in the back room and the boys, three years old, sleep with me and the dog. I love having them. It reminds me of when I was little and staying at my Gran's. Me and my sister would sleep in Gran's bed. The boys are too young to remember at the moment but it's part of my memories.      

I hope you're keeping well,  love Helen 

[Guest_1055]

Helen I am thinking that must be a large bed that you have, do you all fit.... Yourself, the two 3 year old grandsons and the dog?

I love having pleasant memories, and the one you have sounds special and very homey.

Yes I am OK. My mind is very full of thinking at the moment, so I am sitting in this chair in the corner of my room at 4:36 am.

Hugs to you 

Shelley xx

[HelenM]

 Hi Shelley Anne, 

It's a king size bed, but even then there wasn't that much room.  I love the boys staying. As you say, it's a special memory. 

I'm glad you're doing OK.  In Scotland it's 6pm. I plan to go to bed in a couple of hours.  

(((((hugs)))))) to you too,  Helen x

[geoff]

dear Helen, well there have been so many good comments on this post and communicating is always good for anybody unless your deep in the hole.

When we anticipate that our days will improve, then that's a bonus, because relapses come and go, but that doesn't really matter, because it's far better than being depressed 24/7, and what we can learn along the way helps us significantly, even if it's just a small bit.

It's also easier for us to give advice to other people, because what this means is that we don't personally have to do it ourselves, but it's our words of wisdom which we offer to them.

When we are open in telling other people at work about our depression and then perhaps drinking too much alcohol it can help us but then it could be used as ammunition if a decision has to made by your boss on who was at fault, and we often make the comment to ask someone outside of work for their help and if are people you can truly trust then that's good, however with me I was labelled as an alcoholic, and even now as I only drink socially that label has stuck.

I hope this post can continue along. Geoff. x

[HelenM]

Your point about being labelled is interesting Geoff.  Just today my sister was saying that she was concerned that my Mum would talk about an incident that affected my sister. It could easily have been repeated incorrectly and caused her problems.    

Being so involved so very deeply in our heads, it's almost impossible to follow our own advice. On here though there are lots of people to help us.     Helen  x