So..I'm here

[Chloe2]

Hi all,

After much deliberation with myself I have decided to join beyond blue. I don't even know how to start, since I'm struggling with knowing what is wrong with me.

I am a 28 year old lady from Perth. I'm married and I have a 7 year old daughter.

I had a tough childhood, growing up with a mentally ill single mother who neglected me emotionally and didn't feed me properly. I was teased for having red hair, no father and no money. I went through many friends and none of them stuck around. I met my now husband when I was 14
years old. We were each others rock since he was having a hard time at home,  and he would scrape together whatever money he had to make sure I had food to eat. We have now been together for 14 years, and although he has some depression issues due to his past we have a solid relationship.

When I was 20, I gave birth to my daughter. I suffered silently with severe post natal depression. She was born via emergency c-section and I didn't feel a connection to her for months. I would go for weeks without having a shower, I lost weight and I alienated myself from socializing. Eventually months down the track I started having friends again, and I seemed to be improving. After 3 or so years these friends then completely back stabbed me, spread rumors and caused all my friends to turn away from me. I then witnessed a fatal accident shortly after which has caused major anxiety when I'm in a vehicle.

I've now got no friends, I don't enjoy any hobbies anymore, I struggle to go to my fulltime job every weekday, I have no motivation and going out driving to places sends my palms sweating and my teeth grinding.

I tried to join a parent forum to try and make some friends, but none of them seem to understand that I've got social anxiety and it isn't as simple as "lets meet and have a coffee"

I love my husband and daughter to bits. But I am lonely, and sad and I just want to have some friends and enjoy life again.

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Guest,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, this is a great place to start.
I think you will find that if nothing else, at least here you will learn that you are not alone in what you feel and people here will listen and understand you.

Are you currently seeing a psychologist or have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling?
Medication isn't a magic solution, but it sure can help. If you are feeling depressed and anxious you do not need to suffer in silence.

It sounds like you've probably got good communication with your husband, have you spoken to him about how you are feeling at the moment?

I know how you feel about friends and hobbies. I don't really have a group of friends at the moment and I don't really enjoy any hobbies. It can be quite isolating.
Maybe the first thing to try is doing something at home that you enjoy, like those colouring books, or jewellery making? Something that you can gain confidence in and hopefully start doing with others in the future?

[Chloe2]

Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate any suggestions.

I haven't seen a psychologist or told my GP. When I answered the questions for the post natal depression I lied in it. I don't know why I haven't told anyone. If I thought about it, I actually don't have the motivation to talk to someone about it or go and see anyone - it seems like a lot of effort (but I want help at the same time, does that make sense?) I'm also scared of medication, after seeing how "robotic" my mother was right after a dose (even though she was on schizophrenic medication so it's completely different but the irrational fear is still there) I'm also worried about what effect any medication might have on me (the pill gave me migraines and weight gain)

 My husband knows I can get quite down, and he knows about the lack of energy and motivation. But to be honest, some days he's much worse than me and I don't want to burden him with extra stress (he loves me so much if he knew I was suffering it would completely put him into a downer)

 I love the idea of the coloring books. I've been contemplating them for a while and I've heard good reactions from people who use them. I'm also trying to enjoy just even watching a tv show that I used to like, but it can be a struggle (I rarely finish an episode or movie)

[Chicken_Wings]

That lethargy is your depression. Depression just makes everything seem like such an effort & just having a conversation is truly hard work. 
What you've said makes complete sense & you're not alone in just wishing it would just go away. I've had black spots before and I know how I need to deal with it, but I still struggle to actually make the appointment.

I honestly suggest that you find that strength to talk to someone, I promise it will be worth the effort.
Sometimes just saying it out loud can help & you don't have to do or take anything you don't want to.

I also scared of medication. I even thought I had pharmaphobia at one point. I couldn't even take a Panadol without worrying.
I've been on the same SSRI for quite a while now & 95% of the time it does the trick & I feel much better for it. I'm terrified that it might stop working cause the idea of trying to find a new one is something I don't even want to think about.
These are things that you can talk about with your GP & ask them to explain how suggested medication works. I find for me the right amount of information is helpful (don't google your drugs).

Keep in mind, the medications used to treat depression are very different to those used to treat schizophrenia. SSRI's & the like are not a sedative. 

My main concern when I started was scared would change who I was, that it would make my mind different, but in reality it helps my brain get back to normal. It helps me function well & communicate better with people.

I guess my suggestion is to say think about how you feel right now, not wanting to bother doing much, feeling sad & scared, finding no enjoyment in things. You can decide to put up with that, or you can decide that you deserve better.

Its also natural to want to protect your husband from feeling worse. I do the same with my boyfriend who also has depression. I worry that my feelings will make him worse. I can't say I've found the perfect solution to it, but I tend to do things like say "I feel pretty sad at the moment" but then follow it up by telling him what I'm going to do to try and help myself. It serves as a sort of pep talk, telling myself what I need to do & reminding me that I can do it.

If he wants to he asks me to expand on how I'm feeling or comforts me. I've also had to realise that there will also be times when he doesn't ask, he just tells me that I'm doing the right thing & I have to take that as a signal that he isn't in a place to talk about feelings right now. 

[ci]

Hi Chloe2

I can relate so much to you I jumped on here to vent I'm having a bad moment read your post and I'm replying to you instead.

My childhood was rough but not to the extent of yours by the sounds but enough that I can relate to having an unstable parent.

I meet my husband when I was 15 and in now in my 30s mum of 3 it's great to have that rock. Not sure if will help but feel like if I give you a run down of my story it could help you.

Anxiety on and off had some health issues few years ago and everything went through the roof I hid it like you lied to doc and others desperately wanting help but scared to admit it scared of  a label I think having mental illness in the family you don't want to be labeled the same.

I kept all from my husband hid it well but was a mess inside. Took awhile for things to sink in and for him to understand but I wish I told him earlier he has been great couldn't make it through day without him at moment. Also to scared to take meds after watching family take them it changes them and it's a mess when they get it wrong, but at this point today I would so gladly take things to hard to function like this.

I now have ocd depression and panic disorder my biggest thing is regretting not telling people not asking for help years ago when I felt things shift inside I new something was wrong and I think I could have prevented things getting to this point!

Friends have all gone seems to be story of my life. So I understand that can be so lonely. the only thing I used to love to do is cook and ocd has taken that from me.

One thing I found I enjoyed about a year ago was researching family history made my brain work and it was interesting. Not been able to do it lately but found it good when I did.

Anyway sorry for the rant hope it makes sense in someway and you find it helpful to know your not alone. Please tell someone you struggling and believe me I know it's hard but it's the only way to get better.

One last thing I worried about upsetting my husband but he tells me now it upsets him more if I don't he can sense not ok and makes him feel horrible that I don't ask him to help. Our relationship has never been better pm glad I stopped hiding it from him

[Chloe2]

I avoided this forum and help since my last post, and am now struggling more than ever.

Thankyou for writing about the SSRI medication, I am considering telling my GP and I have a feeling they will be recommended by him. I was terrible and looked at Google before I saw your post, and saw so many websites claiming that they don't work. But I'm glad to hear they helped you.

[Neil_1]

Dear Chloe

Though it’s not good to have you back, as you are obviously in a bad place, I would still like to welcome you back, nevertheless.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re in a bad situation with your anxiety, even more so now – and possibly it’s been on the build-up for some time as well, so it’s finally got to a level, where you’re now reaching out to seek help.

What I’ve found over time is that I’ve floated about the different forums and have found some great posts/threads happening about different subjects – and for you, I’d be very much having a look through different threads that have been posted here on the anxiety area, you may just find something that will be helpful for you.

It’s great that you’ve been able to come back here and I hope that between a few of us (as well as you searching other areas), that there might be some positive news come out of this for you.

I really do think that getting to a GP is a very good thing – and to let them know just what you’re experiencing and some of your background. Being prescribed medication to help or assist you IS a good thing. It’s not the be all and end all, but it is something that you can have happening for yourself that will help someway in alleviating your symptoms.

I do hope this has helped you in some way, and would love to hear back from you.

Neil