Situational Social Anxiety / Long term bullying effects

[animegirl2410]

Hi,

When I was in primary school (year 5-6) I was bullied, apart from verbal abuse I cannot remember much but in high-school it got worse. I can recall moments of verbal abuse, rocks being thrown, hair pulled, deliberate invasions of privacy, vicious rumors being spread designed to ruin the reputation of a teacher's pet.

I could go on with individual examples, but I may be here a while...

The problem I have at present, is the long term effects.

Seemingly I had none, then a year ago while I was partaking in one of my work experience blocks for my Master of Teaching Primary - they hit me out of the blue. I locked up, gave off a 'leave me alone' aura.... the anxiety made it impossible to teach and quite frankly caused me to fail my placement. I received some counselling sessions from the uni which assisted in identifying what I was going through and the following placement I did well and was back on track.

Unfortunately there are still side effects.

The effects of my high-school bullying appear to be a situational social anxiety. As a pre-service primary teacher, I am fully aware from my studies that this can be a result of being bullied due to the social/emotional development of a child being hampered by negative stimuli. And due to other indicators I've noticed, I believe this is the case (and there is nothing more upsetting then realising you were the child mentioned in those childhood anxiety study papers)

But I digress, the main side-effects I'm currently having are throwing up/dry heaving in the morning and constantly coughing. As I said its situational, the problem is that its before I go to school or my work placement and I think its having an impact on my development as a teacher and being on my graduate placement and not doing well again - I'm starting to get concerned that I'm subconsciously setting myself up to fail in addition to the physical side effects.

Now I am a very stubborn person and regardless of what happens on this graduate placement I'll keep trying to pass until I've met the graduate requirements. Its not eventually passing that concerns me. Its how I'll deal with these side-effects and the fear they may develop further once I enter the career.

How do you deal with a situational social anxiety which has latched itself onto your dream job?

[pipsy]

Hi there, animegirl.  My name is Lynda.  I really relate to your feelings of anxiety from the effects of bullying.  The retching/coughing you're experiencing is obviously part and parcel of your everyday nerves at the thought of what you're facing everyday in your chosen field.  I must say I admire your determination to see it through.  I would suggest a visit to your Dr and ask about a referral to a psychologist.  It could be that you're concerned that the kids you're trying to teach, I mean trying in the sense that all you can do is try to teach, you can't make an unwilling student learn more than they're willing to learn.  As I said, it could be that in your concern at trying to teach, you're past experience with bullying could be holding you back for fear of retribution from further bullying.  When you've been a victim of bullying and you haven't been counselled through it, the fear stays with you for years.  I was bullied at school and home and it took years before I was able to work through it.  I recall being at a school reunion years ago, a group of my classmates and I were looking at an old photo of the class.  One of the girls pointed to the photo of me and remarked how she remembered me as being a bit of a half-wit.  I was standing right next to her and remarked, thanks for the kind words.  She had the grace to blush, but followed it up with another equally insensitive remark.  I did manage to yank her unceremoniously away from the others and pointed out how because she never knew me or my home life, she shouldn't really make such an insensitive remark.   I really feel you would benefit from seeing a counsellor/psychologist to get these feelings of insecurity from past bullying out of your system.  Long term bullying and their after effects stop a lot of people from being able to realise their full potential in their chosen field.  There also could be an unrealistic fear that the kids could be (in your mind), laughing at your attempts to teach them.  I'm not saying they are, but you could be imagining they are.  This won't help your nerves if you believe this to be true.        

[Dwwmills]

Hi animegirl2410,

Sorry to hear that the bullying at school may be coming back to cause you problems now. The good thing is that you and sought counselling and your next placement went well. If you are feeling anxious about it at the moment it would be good to go back and talk to the counsellors again as they may have some way of reframing your situation.

Fortunately you’re not that helpless schoolgirl you were and you have much more control of the situation you face now than you did before. You sound a very gutsy person and I congratulate you on your determination to meet the graduation requirements. I’ve found the best way to face a situation I’m scared of is to just tackle it and beat it. This does not mean to tackle it blindly but to go in with some plan to change the way I think about it or a way to tackle it differently than before. A good psychologist can give you strategies to alter the way you think about the situation or to alter your reactions to it. You may find that once you overcome these hurdles that you will be a much better teacher because of your awareness of bullying and its effects on the students.

That said it’s amazing how things can crop up from your past when you least expect it. At least you have some insight into what is happening and you are looking for solutions.

I really wish you all the best. You sound like you’re going to make a great teacher!

Cheers

Dean

[White_Rose]

Hello Animegirl

I too am sorry you have experienced bullying at school. It really is dreadful and I hope that the steps being taken in the past few years will save other children from going through such a dreadful time.

Congratulations on your determination to succeed. With that attitude I am certain you will graduate as a wonderful teacher. And as Dean has said, you will be well placed to manage bullying of other children.

You have received two great answers from Pipsy and Dean and I agree with all they have said. So this will be a short answer. Those who know me will be laughing at the thought.

I believe your best plan would be to return to the counselors at uni or ask your GP to refer you to a good psych. If/when you do see someone, do talk about how to manage situations that come out of left field. Those that take you unaware. It is important that you can manage these, at least until you can get to a place of safety where you can recover yourself, so to speak.

Please continue to write in here if it helps.

Mary

[chociloni]

Its just brought up an old memory...the bully kids can't get to you anymore. Dont put so much pressure on yourself, you'll get another placement...you'll also be a great teacher who will help kids being bullied in the future. 

[animegirl2410]

Firstly, thankyou everyone.

I've been doing some soul searching since I last posted and although I still want to be a teacher I'm not sure if I will be a full-time classroom teacher. I've been looking into options of being a support classroom teacher (teachers take an RFF once a week, which is effectively planning and break time - another teacher comes in and teaches for that hour). Hopefully approaching it that way reduce my anxiety in the future.

I've had to take a break from my prac anyway for other personal reasons. About to jump into another post about that... so hopefully the break and some assistance from the university counsellors will help in achieving success for this graduate placement.

Again - thankyou all. I'll post some more updates later about my progress as talking about my anxieties really does help.

[animegirl2410]

At the beginning of April.... my Uncle passed away of a MND (the hereditary strain).

Since then I've been battling between grief and anxiety for completing my final week of work placement.

I am of the mind at the moment, that due to my anxiety getting worse - that I won't be pursuing a teaching career after my work placement. I've wanted to be a teacher as long as I can remember, but the thought of it doesn't bring me the same joy it once did. A lot of people keep asking me if I want to still be a teacher - and I do. But I think the real question is: should I?

My brother pointed out that if its causing me this much distress - vomiting at the thought of going to school, and its not just the morning before now... then maybe its not such a good idea.

I know it means that I may have wasted 2 years of my life studying and accumulating a HECs debt... but I knew this might happen... its why my undergraduate degree was an Arts Degree not an Education Degree - its why I have a Cert 3 in Business.

I'm seeing a GP after my prac to start my mental health plan, as its only gotten worse in the last month or two and starting it now would mean having to deal with the side effects of the medication and the stress of prac at the same time. Who knows I might be a teacher one day, but at the moment... the thought of it makes me want to cry - which I've done a lot lately.

Sometimes dreams aren't achieved, but it doesn't mean you won't be happy...

[White_Rose]

Dear Animegirl

I am so sorry to learn you are still struggling. Please accept my condolences on the death of your uncle. It is hard when loved person passes away, no matter what the reason.

No matter whether or not you have a teaching career your time at college will not be wasted. You learned a great deal while you were there, not just academic 'stuff', but also the meaning of life. Sometimes our dreams don't happen and we go on to other triumphs. My granddaughter has just left uni after two years working for an archeology degree. She would be finished at the end of this year, but she too is reviewing her dream.

I know this will sound trite, but we hang on to our dreams for a long time because they are satisfying. And then it goes awry. What happens next is our next challenge and so often people find a a new dream. So keep searching.

I am glad you have spoken with your GP and taking steps to manage your health. Are you definitely going to take medication? There are all sorts of stories about antidepressants but not necessarily true for everyone. There are potential side effects, but they are only potential, and not necessarily bad. I have tried many ADs and many had bad side effects. Others that I know who took the same AD sailed through with no problems. My GP prescribed a very different AD recently and it's great. It works, which has not been the case with some, and I feel great, no side effects. So take your medication without expecting the worst.

Please keep in touch as I would love to know how you are going.

Mary

[animegirl2410]

Yeah defiantly going to take medication. I'm at the point where I burst into tears randomly... barely holding it together in public places sometimes. I think I may have gone from social anxiety to generalised social anxiety... which to me indicates I need to do something now before I get worse.

I've got two friends who have experienced what I'm going through (guess its my turn), so they are both are supporting me to take this step as soon as possible. After my last week of placement though as... there may be some unfortunate side effects which could impact it... last week of Prac starts next week, so just need to make sure I'm as prepared as I possibly can be so I can just put university into the 'done' pile of my life'.

[White_Rose]

I am so glad you have friends who can help and support you. It's so good to be able to physically hold someone's hand.

Put university into the 'done' pile by all means and leave it there until you are ready to use some of the lessons you have learned. It's not really a 'done and dusted' pile, more a "parked it for a while' pile.

Loved your Yeah defiantly going to take medication, comment. You may have meant definitely, but defiantly is so much stronger, so go with that.

Mary