Severe Anxiety and Self Medicating

[MirandaONeg]

Hi There,

I'm new to beyondblue and pretty new to mental health issues..or so I thought until I did some research.

 I spent a lot of time alone as a kid and have no close family, only a couple of close friends who live mostly far away. I've always craved social situations and am comfortable most of the time, but after devloping serious anxiety and panic problems after a breakup in January of 2013, things have changed.

It began with heart palpitations, insomnia, nausea and tremors. When the symptoms became so severe I was unable to work (within a month), I started smoking weed to self medicate. I noticed that if I was high, the risk of panic and deep, irrational, instant feelings of isolation and pain would virtually disappear, and I could sleep and eat better without feeling sick.

 Over the last 18 months I've spent virtually every day getting high at least once. I'm so afraid of losing my job and hurting my friends with my disfunction that even on good days, I still smoke just in case a random wave of hopelessness hits me. When I run out or when the symptoms become so severe that even weed can't alleviate them, I obsess over unhealthy parts of my life.

 I'll think repetitive trains of thought about silly flirtatious exchanges and obsess over the people I have them with to the point that I'm convinced I'm in love with them. Even as i feel those feelings, I know they're unfounded and ludicrous... but then just circle straight back. It's difficult for me to feel any natural loneliness which I would usually cope with, without it spiraling into complete depression. One moment I'll be normal, the next I'll feel ice cold dread take hold of my entire body...then back again.

Small, meaningless activities like having to shower and get dressed cause me to think about what comes next, then next, then next, until i get so flustered and disoriented,I can't do anything but feel like crying for no reason.

 I don't want to have to smoke every day and the only SSRI I've tried has had awful results. Is there any medication which might help me relax, organize my thoughts, and maybe sleep better? 

Even if all I can achieve is a functional level, capable of going a single hour without these nonsense,  repetitive heartwrenching feelings taking over, it would be an enormous relief.

Even numbness would be better than this.

Anyone else experience anything like this?

Thanks so much...and hope someone here might be able to help.

 -M

[joeljoel]

Hey Miranda, 

I think it is in your best interest to cut down on getting high or smoking. I have experienced similar things but I was self-medicating with alcohol mostly, which was impacting my life in a bad way. 

Everything else you have experienced I have too in some capacity. What helps me is meditation, it helps me calm down and cleanses my mind from irrational and exaggerated thoughts. 

In terms of medication I think it would be best to consult with a professional. 

Best of luck. Joel. 

[geoff]

dear Miranda, thanks for letting us to read about your problems, it's not easy to post a comment, because you feel as though you are telling the world, well maybe but the best part is that no one knows who you are or what you look like.

There a few points I'd like to say, and to start off with your, thoughts seem to be what people who have OCD do. I was exactly the same as Joel and used alcohol as my choice to self medicate, and now in hindsight what it does is just defers our recovery.

Smoking weed could become a big problem while you are at work, because what will happen is that you will need to smoke some weed at lunchtime, or before work and definitely after work and this then leads onto bigger problems.

Smoking weed before you go out socially is no different to someone who drinks alcohol, they need a drink or a couple of drinks before they go out, and before you know it, it then becomes out of hand, so a small problem then leads onto it being a necessity, you need to smoke it, so the problems follow through your family, friends and work mates as well as your capability to do your work properly.

Many people differ when they either drink alcohol or smoke weed, some become withdrawn, while others become angry, sleepy, hungry and have to do it where no one else can see them, so one problem leads onto another one and so on.

There are many different types of antidepressants ( AD) and you have to be lucky to get the first one that suits you, so perhaps you could go back and see your doctor, and even if you can tell him/her about your smoking, I can hear your heart drop, but they only want to help you, and you wouldn't be the first person who they have spoken to.

Can I ask you to click onto 'Resources' at the top of this page and order 'All the Printed Material' from BB, it's all free, and specifically read up on OCD, as well as type OCD in the search bar which is also at the top.

I would dearly love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[Coggles]

hi

the only type of self medication is only over the counter things. I have found natural supplements to help settle my mind, plus it is natural ingredients so no harm in it. I have tried this and found it works well for me but everyone is different.

i didn't want to go on heavy drugs for anxiety as there are side effects. There are many other types of things to help settle the mind like diet, green tea with lemon (no milk or sugar) and other natural vitamins that can help. See our doctor and they might be able to help find something but if that is something  you don't want to do then try different things. Dieticians are great for finding a well balanced meal plan to help keep you healthy and they will find certain foods that have the right ingredients that help the mind relax.

If you do see any of the above don't forget to be as honest as you are here. It is ok to ask for help and there are many others in the same boat as you. I hope it all gets better for you.

[Coconess]

Hi Miranda

 I understand your pain.  I have suffered with depression and anxiety all my life, and used to self medicate through drug and alcohol use.  My head can get into self obsession quite easily, but I find in my experience,  being part of a 12 step fellowship, having a daily program, counselling and seeking support has really helped me learn to live life on life's terms. The tools I have picked up have been a blessing to maintaining my emotional and mental wellbeing.  It is awesome that you are reaching out and asking for help, that is a huge step to moving forward, I am proud of you.

[Mares73]

Hi Miranda

I hope you are still around here & will get these messages. I can completely understand the emptiness, anxiety & fear that causes self medicating. For me it's been painkillers kind of ironic like I'm hoping they kill my emotional pain as much or if not more than a headache. I too have battled with this & I'm still trying to get the courage to seek specific help for this. I take antidepressants etc yet I feel this deep ache inside myself like an emptiness I can't fill so I take the other route of avoidance & escapism. I know that deep longing to feel numb. I crave it yet there comes a point where one hits a wall & either faces the emptiness or ends up needing to take higher amounts of drugs or even more intense drugs. This is not a good place to be. You've taken a massive step forward in admitting your addiction & that's a indicator of your good self awareness. The next step I guess is what to do next. You could talk to a psych or your Gp & seek support for reducing your intake & addressing the underlying need to medicate. I'm not sure from your post if your able to reduce intake yourself or could do with some support. In my case I've incrementally decreased my intake each week by documenting every time I take medication & being honest with myself about why. I'm getting there with the reduction but the emotional longing to escape remains & that's where I need help so I see a psychologist to help me address my desire to reduce feeling painful emotions. As I've learnt it's a vicious cycle-selfmedicating is a very short term escape & the underlying reasons remain. It's a bit like that saying "you can run but you can't hide"-reality will always be present regardless of how much you try to avoid or deny.

My heart goes out to you. I think self medicating is a big issue for many people yet rarely spoken openly. I hope you can let us know how you are & I'll watch out for a reply from you.

Your stronger than you can see & you have self awareness & insight which equates to great courage.

Lve Mares xxx