Self doubt

[chicken_1]

I’m currently struggling mentally again, I did really well not caring what other people thought about me and all of a sudden something triggered me again and I know longer feel good enough in anything I do. 

[therising]

I feel for you so much, given all the progress you'd made when it comes to not caring so much about what others think. So good to be able to really feel that progress, feel proud of yourself for making it. It's amazing how quickly things can suddenly change through certain triggers, including our sense of mental wellbeing.

I think one of the greatest feelings is when someone can lead me to make sense of things in a way I can really relate to. When it comes to how our nature can suddenly change, it's Jamie Catto's take on this that led me to not be so hard on myself. He's the author of a brilliant book called 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel'. He suggests when we consider looking at our self as being multifaceted in nature, with many different facets that go toward making up the whole of who we are, one minute we could be living life through our carefree adventurous fun loving self and the next (through some significant trigger), some seriously fearful facet could be triggered to life. The 2 natures can feel so different and can have very different dialogues about them. Another example could involve us feeling super confident and really loving our self but then someone who's opinion we 100% trust could say 'You're a horrible person', perhaps triggering our inner critic to spring to life with something like 'They always tell you the truth so it must be true, you are a horrible person'. Then it can get worse when the inner critic starts with 'THE LIST' factor, 'Remember the time you did this...that was horrible. Remember the time you did that...that was a horrible thing to do' and as the list starts to grow and grow, the more convinced you become that it's the truth. The inner critic is giving you all the 'proof' you need in order to confirm this. The person who originally made the comment can come up to you and apologise, saying 'I'm sorry about what I said, calling you horrible. It's not true, you're one of the nicest people I know and that is a fact. I was having a really bad day when I said it. I didn't mean it, honestly'. But it's too late, you don't believe them because the inner critic now has you fully convinced. The only possible way to change your mind is for a different facet of you to be triggered to life. 

We can have light hearted facets like maybe our inner comedian or clown that loves to get a laugh out of people. There are loving facets, such as the parts of us that feel deep compassion and devotion and deep sense of care for others. There can be easily excitable facets that thrive on adventure, a sense on wonder and a whole lot more. Then there can be facets that you could call our 'inner demons', such as the harsh inner critic, a part that longs for us to see what's on the news (as proof of how bad the world is), a part that can easily convince us of how unlovable and worthless we are (a heartbreaking and soul destroying facet) and the list goes on. While we all have our inner demons, how many of us practice becoming absolute masters of them?

Don't let any part of you lead you to believe you are worth less. You remain just as valuable as you were before, when you felt some carefree part of yourself gifting you a sense of achievement and greater self esteem.

[chicken_1]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your help. 

I was bullied as a child and since then all this child hood trauma has lead to bad anxiety and depression since I was six years old. Before that I was careless about what people thought and I didn’t care. Now I have constant panic attacks no matter how hard I try and believing even if someone wants to be with me that I don’t deserve a good person like them, so I push them away and then get drawn to toxic people. 
 

Because  “we accept the love we think we deserve” which is one of my favourite movies - perks of being a wall flower 

it’s taken me a while to realise that I am good enough and to stop torturing myself because that’s what I believe I deserve. 
 

I'm a good person, with a good heart and the people who treat me bad are idiots because they’re treating a good person badly for there own sake because they are jealous 

I write poetry to help others and it also helps me, it is normal in the healing stage of struggling to have good and bad days, unfortunately I’m just have a bad week and I try so hard not to hurt myself in the process of having a bad day again. 
 

people love me and care about me and I just need to realise that. 

[justcant]

Hi there ☺️

I’m so sorry to hear that you have come across a hiccup in your recovery. They do happen and you can learn from them. I am also sorry that you have been treated badly in your life. People really suck sometimes and you did nothing to deserve it. Remember that.

Based on your second post, I can see so much inner strength in you. You have all the thoughts right and that’s fantastic that you use your poetry as an outlet! And helping other people is wonderful.

You are loved and cared about and you matter! Bad days have a way of blocking those facts sadly but you must hold onto them even when your mind is tricking you into not believing them.

Take care of yourself 💖 The bad days will pass.

Sarah.