Scared of death/suffering

[SilverJ]

I am petrified of dying. At least once a day, I end up thinking about those close to me dying, and whether they will suffer. The thought of my mother, father, siblings dying really terrifies me - It scares me to the point of tears for hours on end. I sometimes feel the urge to check up on my mother, and I worry when she goes quiet. I hate seeing her upset, or unwell. I don't know what I'd do without her, I don't want her to feel pain or suffering. I am scared of myself dying - I worry about what it feels like, when will it happen. I worry so much about leaving people on this earth, and not being able to see them ever again. I understand some of these views are unrealistic, I understand it probably sounds like absolute nonsense - But I need help, I cant accept death and I cry every single day about it. My nan is very sick at the moment - And the issue is I am so scared of losing her, that I seem to be pretending it isn't happening. I cannot fathom the idea of not existing anymore. I cant be there for people, or see them anymore.

Please is anyone can share any similar feelings - or offer any support or coping methods it would be really appreicated. I really don't know what else to do anymore and its slowly becoming worse.

[Kathryne]

Hi silver,

Welcome to Beyond Blue.

I believe everyone is concerned about their mortality, however not to the extent that it interferes with everyday life.

There are many different resources available on how to cope with , death.

Maybe a visit to your GP and discuss your concerns with them.

I can honestly state that the majority of people who pass, do so without any stress and generally are at peace and pain free.

Regards Kathryne

[Starwolf]

Hi Silver J and a warm welcome to you.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and reaching out. I agree with Kathryne...there's nothing wrong with thinking about death/dying. But the fact that it has turned into an obsession which is interfering with everyday life -and your peace of mind- should be looked into. All kinds of obsessive behaviour or thoughts can be managed on a health plan. I suggest you make an appointment with your GP to explain the intrusive character of this fear of death.

Death is a certainty for each and everyone of us. This fact cannot be changed. What can be changed is our attitude towards it. No need to become religious or mystical about it...it has been scientifically proved that Life is energy and energy cannot be annihilated. It can only change form, pass from one state to another.

I have witnessed the dying process quite a few times. No matter how much pain, fear or distress those dying may have experienced beforehand, there seems to be a reprieve as death approaches. Peace prevails and takes over every other feeling, mental, physical or emotional. Those working in medical wards can vouch for this fact.

Please take good care of yourself. If anxiety takes over, if you feel distressed by uncontrollable and obsessive thoughts, please do not hesitate to seek medical assistance. There's no need to struggle alone. Help is available.

Here for you.

[Narniakid]

Hi SilverJ,

Firstly welcome to the forums and thank you for posting. Death is inevitable unfortunately, and the first time you watch someone you love pass away can be extremely distressing. I remember loosing both of my grandparents quite suddenly within a year, and it was very traumatising. However, it has made me a stronger person, and I realise now that they don't just disappear, they're always with you wherever you go, little things that remind you of them. Life goes on, but you bring the memory of them with you, and they live on through that.

I urge you to think differently about death. Rather than seeing it as something negative, practice mindfulness. Live in the moment and cherish every moment. That's all we can do. Nobody knows when they're going to die and nobody can prepare for it. All we can do is do our best to avoid danger and risks. It's a difficult thing to get past, I know, but you don't want to spend your life worrying about how much longer your life is going to be.

Sending you and your Nan all the best, keen to hear back from you.

Crystal

[Evan_John]

Hi Silver,
I think I know what you're going through to some degree. I've had similar thoughts myself in the past. Even though they weren't as persistent as what you've described, they've affected my relationship, my health, and my decision making.
I still get scared of death but have found the work of Brene Brown to have helped, in particular the book 'The Gifts of Imperfection'. She speaks about vulnerability throughout the book and come to talk about 'foreboding joy'. She describes this as the death-or-pain-related thoughts that hijack moments where we would otherwise be enjoying an experience as a means of beating 'vulnerability' to the punch. She talks about being vulnerable as being the most courageous thing a human can do and also the key signpost for a person who lives there life fully, without numbing.
If you think it would work for you give it a read.
(I've also found keeping a gratitude journal and writing notes of appreciation to help. )

Wishing you well.
Evan.

[blackdogwhitedog]

Silver, thank you for your post. I too suffer from similar feelings, fears, terror, for three years now the intensity has been strong. If its any comfort to you, know that you are not alone.

I wont pretend to be cured, Im suffering very badly. I have tried many many things, from medication, counselling, reading (the Stoics are my favourite philosophers), and I got great comfort from reading Victor Frankls book about his survival during WWII and his maxims for life "someone to love, something to be passionate about, some meaningful work". These things all help. Writing my journal also helps, indeed responding to you here is also helpful.

I do wish you the best. For myself it feels like a never ending fight with the fear of suffering and death. I just "know" Im going to suffer and die. As irrational as that sounds, and the countless times this has NOT come true, seem to do nothing to allay my fears. Ive had a few health scares and physical problems, yes, but none so far have meant the end of me. But this fear inside me is strong, and every bump sprain, or more serious health issue just sets me off. All I do when it is at its worst is prepare myself for a long slide down, and try to be brave and a role model to the people I love (wife and kids especially). That way I can at least have some purpose to my existence, to show them how to be brave, to try to make sure their lives are as happy and meaningful as possible. I think they know Im not 100%, but my kids are only young so often I can be my best for them.

Anyway, I'm sorry for my long ramble. I found it comforting after reading your post to know I am not alone. I wish you the best. My favourite philosophers, the Stoics (Seneca, Epictitus, Marcus Aurelius) say that death is not to be feared. If it doesn't come, it doesn't come, if it comes, it passes quickly, and you should not fear something that will not be with you forever. Wise words if you can live them.

Good luck.

[Sky_O]

You're not alone. Nobody wants to die and I'm sure everyone is scared of it.

What you can do is make the best of the life you have right now. Use it to the best of your ability and when death comes, you won't be scared. You'll know that you've lived life to its fullest potential and there's nothing more that could have been done.

You might also want to try some relaxing breath meditations. They can help calm you down and you'll feel a lot better afterwards.

Best of luck!