ROCD, struggling to be happy in my relationship.

[idontknowdants]

Im currently dealing with constant nagging negative thoughts about my relationship and its driving me insane. My girlfriend of 2months is amazing and has been there for me throughout my struggles. Shes perfect for me and we get on so well, she makes me laugh, she makes me feel comfortable, shes the only one ive tried to stay strong for throughout all of my struggles and i told myself i wouldnt give up on her like i have given up on relationships in the past. Shes been my rock throughout this along with friends of mine who have been there to give me reassurance and guidance. I have spoken with so many online counsellors and nothing has helped me, infact the negative thoughts have gotten worse recently. within the first few weeks of dating, i began to experience doubts such as "what if i dont like her?" "what do i like about her?" "is she really that attractive to me?" and from there the thoughts began to spiral. I soon began to think i was falling for other girls, i couldnt just focus on her, the doubts worsened to the point where i just couldnt feel for her anymore, it was as though all my romantic feelings were drained just like that and i couldnt give her any love without overthinking and questioning it. I know theres a part of me that loves her deep down and i know i really like her even though it doesnt feel that way at the moment, but i just want to know if anyone else has been through this? The reason why i say its ROCD is because ive noticed a pattern and in each relationship or with each fling ive had, the negative thoughts come in and make me uncertain of my feelings leading me to end the relationship. Im trying to fight this time because i know shes worth it and i know she'd make an amazing wife and mother to my kids one day but all these thoughts just keep draining me even more. Its as though everytime i think positive and have a certain thought, the negativity comes back and drains all of that certainty and positivity, i just dont want to hurt her or drag her on but i know it cant possibly be my true feelings. I cant feel any positivity, all i can feel is this constant nausea and sometimes guilt because i cant give her the same love right now that she gives me everyday, no matter how hard i try. I also feel this urge to break up with her just because being single is an easier option and because it gives me a positive feeling but im not sure of thats the right way to go.. someone help me please.

[Jazzy94]

Hey, reading your post has hit the nail on the head for how my past relationships have gone.

I just want to sayi am in the same boat as you in a a sense. One of my ex boyfriends (who i am frie ds with to this day) was a great boyfriend. He was thoughtful and in my words (domesticated) haha cause i am a terrible cook and a little bit lazy.

But once we started being in a relationship i just got very insecure about myself. Like what do i even bring to this relationship? The real trouble began once he started being intimate with me.

I couldnt handle being affectionate in public because i worried what i looked like. Was worse with my friends. We have a sarcastic group mentality so i was paranoid theyd tease me for holding his hand or kissing him. When we were alone n we'd start to get intimate my heart would just race and i afraid because i had never been with someone before.

He was patient and never pushed but 8 months later i ended things because "we were better friends" and to this day i wonder what we could have been. Cause i lied to him. I ended things because i was afraid. And my intrusive thoughts just wouldnt stop circling round in my head.

I feel like i understand the guilt you have because everyone could "see" how much he liked me, and i always felt like that positive emotion just wasnt in me. I was and still feel ashamed that i couldnt be "normal" in that relationship.

I can say i regret breaking up with my ex and now im too scared to go back because what if it happens again? What if i break it off again and hurt him?

My advice to you, dont let fear rules your decisions. Im so glad to hear that your girlfriend is such a great supporter of you. Keep trying with her.

I hope things start looking up you soon xx

[geoff]

hello, what Jazzy has mentioned is that if you have OCD then these 'intrusive thoughts' will annoy the heck out of you, as it's very common for these thoughts to continually have an impact on you try and get on with your daily life.
What I would suggest at this stage is to google 'intrusive thoughts' as there is an enormous section either on BB or by other web sites, but perhaps look up OCD on BB and would like to know what you think or whether any of this has helped you. Geoff.