Return to work (again)

[Academic]

Hi there, I had a panic attack in the car yesterday on my way to see a friend. It prompted me to quickly question if I can cope with work. I am an academic and this is the third time I have tried to return to work (I've tried a few different employers and taking what might be regarded as a sideways move). I have had some reasonable adjustments. I have had a number of ongoing mental health issues that have interfered with my ability to work for more than 10 or 11 years now. I was completely off work due to mental health reasons for about 5 years. I have tried (and am on) numerous medications. I'm currently on the Disability Support Pension and I'm trying to go back to work. But this most recent episode has cast serious doubt on my ability to cope. I'm very accomplished. But, among other things, I have had very severe anxiety which manifests itself in a range of ways. I'm seriously re-considering if I can cope with work again. I'm thinking I will see my GP on Monday. Welcome any advice or direction.

[sbella02]

Academic,

Thank you so much for opening up to us here, we warmly welcome you to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you've been dealing with these attacks and that they've been affecting your work for so long, that must be such a tough spot to be in.

I'd like to spin your words in a positive way here, if I may. You've been working in spite of your struggles, including returning to work several times after a period off. That takes inner strength to make that decision and commitment. I believe that in itself is an achievement that deserves recognition. It's understandable that you've reached a breaking point now, because you've been dealing with it for so long your body is now seeking a little extra help, so that anxiety has manifested in physical (and very uncomfortable) ways.

I read something about anxiety the other day. It was a post that compared anxiety to somebody being in a house and thinking that because everything in there is flammable and could catch on fire someday, you should burn it down now to get it over with. That really stuck with me, because that seems to be the underlying theme of anxiety - it prepares you for things that could happen, but in a way that often feels disproportionate to the actual level of risk or harm. That may seem a little reductionist, but I hope it illustrates in a somewhat trivial way that anxiety is the product of your mind trying to protect you from experiencing something harmful. 

If I may ask, have you noticed any patterns with your panic attacks, or do they tend to come on spontaneously?

I have dealt with many panic attacks in my life, so I know intimately the stress of having one, particularly somewhere inconvenient like work. Usually, I slip away to somewhere private like a bathroom and allow myself to sit with whatever I'm feeling for a moment. There are small things that would help me in the moment, like looking back through photos or videos that I know will make me laugh (to get rid of some of that anxious energy), or listening to something soothing like a relaxing video (ASMR, usually, if possible).

I understand that these little things are not always possible, though. With regards to longer-term solutions, your GP may have some great professional insight, or will at least be able to direct you to a mental health professional who can support you with long-term strategies. 

I hope something in here resonates with you, please feel free to keep chatting with us more if you'd like. We're here to support you. 

Take care, SB

[Academic]

Thank you SB for such a thoughtful reply. Apologies for the delay with my own reply. Much has happened since I last posted. The panic attacks come on spontaneously. But my psychologist says that they are triggered by something. For me, it is probably the possibility that I can't handle the pressure at work that starts me catastrophising and into a state of panic. I start planning for the worst possible outcome. The pressure at work, others regard as "not unusual" for the job etc... It is true, against the odds, I went back to work. I now have a contract for a few years, ostensible (but in reality quite sketchy) success. I don't think I could have returned to work if I wasn't able to work from home. There is no way I could have coped. Trying to return to work now physically is proving to be a bit too much for me. On the face of it, I've been extremely productive, but I personally feel overwhelmed. I have already asked for 'reasonable adjustments' and my employer has been accommodating. But I still can't keep it together :/. I will see my GP on the weekend and my psychologist soon after. I'll see what their thoughts are too. I loathe going into hospital in a state of crisis. Fingers crossed, I can keep it together.